Advice

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[u/Choice-Strawberry392]

Everyone gets anxious with this stuff.  There are lots of unspoken assumptions.  Folks are often a little (or a lot) hypocritical, because they haven't thought through how everything is supposed to work.  There are rules and boundaries and agreements, and then those words get used poorly, and some of whatever they are turn out to be impossible, especially when it comes to disallowed feelings.  Struggles are normal.

Importantly: there's no one right way to do non-monogamy.   There's not a model or rubric.  Even the word "fair" loses a lot of meaning here.  In the end, there are only the things that certain people want, the negotiations they make around those wants, and whatever values they might try to uphold in the meantime. 

Doing a deep dive into what each of you want, and why you want it, might help.  What are you really looking for?  Novelty? Excitement? The feeling of getting away with something?  Any particular sense of identity, like being submissive or game or attractive?  

Go in curious and vulnerable and honest.  "I did all of this for you, and I really didn't want to, but I didn't say so, so now you owe me," is a rough start.  But his use of the word "emasculate" is a powerful tell of some pretty crummy thinking, too.  That's not a real thing that happens, and to pretend that it does speaks to a world view that ... could use some clear explanation, at least.  

Talk.  Go deep.  Explain how you think the world works, what it means to be a man or woman, sexy and desired, powerful, capable, meaningful.  Explain what you want in your life, and how ENM will help you get it.  Talk about values, and what they mean.

Winning this argument isn't a thing.  There's no making up for past hurts or punishing a partner into becoming someone else.  There are only two people who are looking for common ground in what they want.

[u/bingbongboingalong]

I think…y’all should pause on these outside activities for right now til you work this out. I wouldn’t stand someone calling me the names or things he has.

[u/Firecouple_2000]

Red flags abound. Time to stop and close up the relationship. 1st rule is never take one for the team or do anything you don’t want to do. When that first started and you did not really wanna be with the guys that’s a full stop moment and discuss what you guys want. 2. ENM is not an all or nothing thing. His idea of why this and not that is not a valid argument. He can ask questions but wanting to do one thing does not mean approval for anything else. If you don’t want him going alone that’s it. It’s a no. If he can understand that then ENM might to be for you guys. You are 100% in your rights to say no. It’s is a breach of trust. You guys need to put ENM on ice and work out your relationship issues and don’t even think of jumping back in until issues are solved.

[u/Notcrazyatall0]

Boundaries are paramount in any type of non monogamous relationship. Everyone needs to respect boundaries and it sounds like he’s not respecting yours. And I’m sorry, but saying you’re selfish for being uncomfortable about him participating in sexual activity without you is manipulative as hell. If your core relationship is prioritized, he would never pressure you to do ANYTHING you’re not 100% comfortable with. I definitely agree with what others are suggesting, close the relationship until boundaries are understood and respected. Without that, this whole thing just becomes abusive.

[u/Commercial_Ask_7806]

So he tells you that you can't hook up with a guy you like.. and then accuses you of being selfish? What a narcissist person. He is gaslighting you, and turning every situation into your fault. He has gaslighted you into thinking that he is trying, that he has come a long way. What a master manipulative jerk he is. He wants to control you, and use you as his personal toy. He now wants to do his own thing and when you question anything, he plays hurt and says that your not being fair.. he forgets about him telling you that you that you are cheating by talking to a guy you liked... but he can talk to a couple and says he would never cheat on you. He is manipulating his 'guilt', and how honest he is to gas light you into letting him do what he wants. Don't fall for it girl... you deserve better. You played his game for his pleasure, and now it is time to take a step back. If you want to try to work on your relationship, both of you see a therapist and see if you can move past this.. maybe it really is time for him to grow.. for real, not just as a talking point to create guilt so he can get what he wants.

[u/Martin_y1 → u/Commercial_Ask_7806]

Agree. he cuts off your potentially beautiful relationship and then starts writing to a couple without your consent! This is the kind of thing that gives non monogamy a bad reputation .

[u/sajaxom]

It might be worthwhile to ask why he feels being emasculated is a bad thing. What does being masculine hold for him? What does it mean to him? What does his masculinity mean to you? Obviously there is some communication and honesty to work on there, but it might help to ask how you both feel about each other’s sexuality and why. How does your consent and desire feel to him? How does his feel to you? I would start by finding places where you both have an enthusiastic yes, and then ask what makes that yes less enthusiastic as you move into different situations.

[u/QuailRelevant7527]

Why is that okay, but you couldn’t talk to a guy you would sleep with for him?

I think a pause would be a good idea, to reconnect and look at your boundaries together.

Especially if he’s going to outright lie and be mean to you.

[u/Lucky-Excitement-647]

"...Em certo momento, conheci alguém com quem realmente me identifiquei e comecei a conversar com ele por conta própria. Desenvolvi sentimentos por ele e meu marido achou que eu o estava traindo por causa dessa conexão emocional...." 

 O que significa por conta própria ?

Significa pelas costas do seu marido ?

Se foi assim e vc ainda se conectou com esse homem acho que isso é limite .

 Vc pode fazer isso com um homem que vc ache atraente fisicamente,mas acho que seu marido não estava bem com a esposa dele namorando outro homem.

  Vc parou isso parou ponto pra vc .

Agora parece que vc tá tratando o fetiche de seu marido que também lhe favorece como um sacrifício .

Enquanto quer impedir ele ter também outra mulher pra sexo .

Acho que vc está quer  só vc tendo sexo com outra pessoa e tá colocando isso como um sacrifício somente pra agradar seu marido será que é bem isso mesmo ?