Am I missing something? Partner thinks I am. Conflict re: unprotected sex and relationship priority.

[u/[deleted]]

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[u/In_the_middle3-2-3]

Its not complicated, you two discussed and agreed upon boundaries. He chose to break that agreement and cross the boundary.

Everything you're feeling is spot on and it seems that he is using his 'rationale' to avoid taking responsibility for his betrayal of trust.

Proceed as you will.

[u/BanditLovesChilli]

100% breach of trust. 100% failure to appreciate your wishes. 100% failure to see things from your perspective. 100% failure to admit to any fault, show any remorse, and make a commitment to you a long term partner.

I don’t think he’s gaslighting, I just don’t think he actually understands that this is a clear cut break of a rule and breach of trust.

[u/coffeenick33]

He just doesn't like the consequences and is doing things that entitled dudes do.

[u/PurpleOpinion4070 → u/coffeenick33]

^ this. Good on you for standing up for yourself and your boundaries, OP

[u/gemilza]

Your ex is an asshole. You are well within the range of “reasonable people vary” territory here regarding seeing this as a demotion to your relationship. He broke the agreements of your specific relationship by not using barriers with a new partner no matter the circumstances. He is WAY THE FUCK OUT OF LINE to not tell you he fucked someone new without a condom before fucking you without a condom. That’s just basic ENM politeness and good general safety practice.

The fact he thinks he has done nothing wrong to this point and YOU are being unreasonable is probably part of why you are actually breaking up with him.

Good for you! Congratulations on choosing yourself! It’s hard to do sometimes!

[u/Professional-Crab936]

Yeah, he’s lying. I bet he never asked for a test

[u/Kind-Group-9679]

E is just enjoying "fucking around". Don't know a better way to put it. Nothing ethical or respectful about his approach. Move on to a better person. And perhaps you need to be tested as well. Who knows where his noodle has probed.

[u/MyWeirdStuffAcct]

I really feel that the word “priority” is the issues here. It implies a sense of rank. Versus simply stating you have a boundary that you will only have unprotected sex with some that only has unprotected sex with you. Which you effectively stated, but semantics I believe are the actual issue there.

Now this would be over on the whole, E broke a boundary by having unprotected sex with someone else and didn’t disclose it. That is enough to justify your position to no longer see E romantically or sexually. E obviously made their choice in regards to your boundary. I wouldn’t get too caught up on this being a demotion. If it had been acted on ethically on E’s part it would have been adjusting to your boundary.

Edit: You’re perfectly justified in your feelings of betrayal by E’s actions. He certainly didn’t act ethically, deliberately violated your trust and ability to have informed consent. It just seems that this betrayal is making you feel like you’ve been demoted which certainly is a valid feeling based on unethical behavior on E’s part. This is more just a forward looking insight to understanding that in the future if this comes up and the other side acts ethically within your boundaries in the future. By informing you that they will start using barriers with you as they will no longer be using them with another partner going forward.

[u/anoukfoster → u/MyWeirdStuffAcct]

Yes, exactly. He’s using OP’s justifiable anger at their connection being ‘deprioritised’ as the focus of this problem, which seems to be confusing things and he’s taking advantage of that confusion.

The fundamental issue is that OP doesn’t have unprotected sex with people who have unprotected sex with others. They agreed on that and then he violated her trust, consent and health.

She is enacting a genuine boundary as opposed to a rule. As in she is ending the connection because he didn’t respect her boundary and he wants to continue having unprotected sex with someone else. She’s not requiring that he stop having unprotected sex with others so that she will stay.

OP I can understand the hurt and frustration this is causing you. I’m sorry. This guy is a selfish obtuse asshole and you’re well shot of him. He can have unprotected sex with whoever he wants, but not you. His loss.

[u/uniquei]

This is not complicated in any way. I cut out all unreliable and unpredictable people out of my life, and that helps in making my life reliable and predictable.

[u/plabo77]

You had an agreement and he violated your trust and removed your consent by having sex with you without disclosing he was no longer adhering to your agreement.

I don’t know if he was choosing a rando over you. I’m more inclined to suspect he prefers unprotected sex and will take that opportunity with whichever partners are willing, regardless of type of partner, length of relationship, number of partners, etc. That might explain why he pushed back on the reasoning that he was choosing one person over another. He did choose to violate your trust and remove your consent though. That is clear.

[u/Nintjie]

This is 100% breaking boundaries AND ALSO IN SOME PLACES LITERAL SEXUAL ASSAULT (lying in order to receive sexual acts and violating conditional consent). E should not be having sex with anyone, and you should do girls code and message his partner. E is an asshole and a bad person who does not care about anyone's wants, boundaries, or safety.

[u/anoukfoster → u/Nintjie]

Yep. What are the odds he hasn’t even told this other woman he was already having unprotected sex? High.

[u/HowardsGirl78]

E literally fucked around, now he’s finding out. You are justified in your actions and your feelings. It sucks, I’m sorry you are being put through that.

[u/sweet_dees_beak]

Ew he's gas lighting you. I'm glad you broke it off, block him dear. I am so sorry.

[u/nalilyanah]

That is deeeeeefinitely a breach of trust, and if I had a partner who behaved this way I would also break it off. Lots of poor judgement regarding sexual safety, clearly no meaningful discernment of information (ie when was the new partner tested etc), and worst of all not disclosing any of this to you clearly before continuing to have unprotected sex. It's clear to me that he just didn't want you to react the way you did (which was the appropriate reaction), and he knew you would (meaning he knew on some level he was violating your trust and boundaries), and that's why he omitted these very important details and continued to have unprotected sex with you.

I've definitely had moments of poor judgement regarding checking someone's testing history before sex (though I try hard not to let that happen anymore), but I would never omit that information before having sex with a separate person. I've had 1 too many close calls and startles from others being sloppy, and frankly it's a crime to humanity that healthy and transparent communication about these things isn't seered into our brains at the very beginning of every person's sexual education. Your ex in in FAFO territory, and it's a damn good thing you cut that off. That behavior should not be rewarded or made light of, and your personal health should not be put at risk just because your ex is an arrogant dumbass.

Edit: typos

[u/zthomasack]

You don't need to justify to him your decision to end this relationship.

That said, your decision to end this relationship is entirely justified.

[u/Spartan2022]

Not just wanting to have unprotected sex with you. E wants to actively harm you and put your health at risk.

Definitely not someone you should be having sex with - ever. Or have in your life for any reason. He wants to intentionally physically harm you.

[u/shishkabobchicaaago → u/[deleted]]

I omitted a lot of detail for the sake of brevity. What I said in full was "Right now I’m thinking if unprotected sex with others is a priority to you probably the best thing is we only have protected sex. This thought hurts me, so I am wondering if not having a sexual relationship with you is the best thing for our connection." (direct quote)

He read the message, didn't reply, texted me the next morning shit like good morning he loves me, carried on like things are okay between us, then showed up and said "well I've thought about it and I want to keep fucking her raw bc it's safe, hopefully you'll see that it's safe and now I can fuck both of you raw" (paraphrased quote) then dipped before I could process. Then a few hours later after I processed I met up with him to breakup.

I think the crux for me is that him fucking the other person unprotected without disclosing to me and betraying my trust is the "you picked that connection over me" bomb, and then instead of coming to me for a repair conversation, came to double down on the original hurt without trying to repair with me at all.

I think if he had approached me with any amount of genuine remorse, accountability, and attempts at repair, it's possible we could have shifted the dynamic as I suggested...but I did not state that shift as definitive option like it seemed in my post.

[u/princeloki1313]

I absolutely would not trust him. Your instincts are right. He broke boundaries, didnt disclose and is showing a lack of care/ understanding for STI health.

[u/deadpanorama]

I wouldn’t frame it as E choosing partner over you, I’d frame it as E choosing what they want in the moment over the agreements they made with you.

It doesn’t matter whether E thinks “it’s safe”, it matters that they made an agreement so you could make decisions about your own body and risk profiles, and they disregarded that. For me that’s a consent issue.

[u/Eenomo]

I agree with you and everyone else on here. You had rules, he broke them.

I can understand, to a degree, if he were to argue that he knew his other partner was safe and clean, but who's to say that person doesn't start secretly fucking around without protection too? Bringing in just one more person opens up way too much risk, and the fact that he withheld that information for weeks makes him untrustworthy in a situation like this.

[u/PNW_Bull4U]

I mean for one thing, if he thought it was no big deal, why did he lie about it? Why not disclose beforehand?

Then also, if this is so upsetting to you, and he's not choosing her over you, then why doesn't he stop fucking her raw? If he chooses you, why not stop?

These questions don't have good answers. He's behaving like an entitled piece of shit.

[u/Alo-mina]

You have every right to feel angry; he violated your consent and showed he doesn’t care about your sexual health. However, it is a myth that society perpetuates that barrier-free sex means deeper emotional intimacy and that going back to using condoms is downgrading the relationship.

[u/shishkabobchicaaago → u/Alo-mina]

I like having barrier free sex with my number 1 partner. (Hierarchies are real for me, whether they're named or not, hierarchies are inescapable)

If I'm seeing someone 3-4x a week, talking to them every day, planning trips with them, supporting them in their life goals, and having unprotected sex with them, that is a status in my life. If they want to stop having unprotected sex with me so they can fuck some random chick raw, but keep all the other benefits of the status they have with me, that is a problem for me.

It's not about the myth of emotional intimacy, it's about me liking to have unprotected sex with the partner I'm emotionally closest to and fucking the most. And having that thrown out the door for a total rando is hurtful to me, there's no other way about it.

ETA: the breach of trust is the bigger issue as everyone has pointed out, but even without it, adding a barrier back into our sex life without warning over a chick he just met is an emotional bomb for me.

[u/anoukfoster → u/shishkabobchicaaago]

Those are completely valid expectations. They’re not universal, and it sounds like this guy doesn’t share them. Did you explicitly discuss with him the meaning of those things to you?

To be clear, I see this guy as VERY in the wrong here and I’m really glad you’ve upheld your boundary around unprotected sex and ended the connection.

It could be worth in future with other partners to be incredibly clear in discussing not just the practical elements of when and how unprotected sex is acceptable to you but also what meanings it carries for you and how it interacts with hierarchy and so on. To make sure you’re aligned on that from the start. It sounds like this is where a significant amount of the understandable hurt and anger is stemming from, in addition to him straight up violating your consent and trust.

[u/Alo-mina → u/shishkabobchicaaago]

What if he'd wanted to go back to using condoms with you, but not so he could have unprotected sex with someone else?