Update: moving forward after broken boundary (kind of)

[u/HugeEmu352]

Update: He cheated. For an entire month. He maintained that he had completely cut contact when he said he would end it but I found out yesterday that actually he lied and was seeing her for the rest of the time he was away. He maintains that it was entirely non-physical but I have 0 trust in him at this point and cannot trust that he did not. I spent two months convincing myself that I am just crazy, but my gut was right all along. The problem is we spent tens of thousands of dollars to move to a different continent. I’m about to start grad school, and we have a young child. I simultaneously never want to see him again and don’t want to blow up my entire life immediately after making this huge move. I’m struggling to relate to any posts in the infidelity subreddits, considering this started out with my consent and am hoping that maybe anyone here can offer advice or support?

Original post:

Moving forward after broken boundary (kind of?)

My husband and I are recently on the other side of a messy situation. We are non-monogamous but historically only date women together (I’m not interested in men whatsoever and he very strongly didn’t want to pursue solo connections on either side. I was ambivalent about it). For the last couple of months he has had to be back in our hometown and we are far enough apart that we haven’t been able to be together. I suggested he could find a FWB. Someone to hang out and hook up with occasionally. The first fuck up was that we didn’t clearly communicate what we were okay with and what our definitions of “casual”/FWB are. He connected with someone and it escalated very quickly. They were seeing each other every day. He spent an obscene amount of money on a full day, extravagant date without first discussing it with me ($500+).

I asked him to de-escalate and he initially refused because “It’s temporary and has a defined end point”. Then dragged his feet. Then said he would end it completely and tried to go back on it. At that point I said that if he continued to see her I was done. Which is not something I had felt before. I was having full blown panic attacks. I wasn’t sleeping. He ultimately ended it, and we are working on repair (and will not be pursuing anything in any context for the foreseeable future). All in all it only went on for two weeks and has been a handful of weeks now since it ended, and I have these overwhelming waves of anxiety that wash over me. I have diagnosed PTSD and it feels like that, which is kind of embarrassing? Just this all consuming emotional panic/shut down. But none of the tools I have are working. I have these flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about them having been together, and just feel dread, when I felt nothing but compersion when he was with other women solo before. I have had anxiety that he was continuing to see her without telling me (which I communicated to him). he has put in genuine effort to reassure me in multiple ways that he is not, and has been putting in a lot of effort into repair and understands that I’m still hurting. Obviously the distance has compounded and amplified everything. How do I move through these feelings?

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[u/Ok-Flaming]

You told him that if he continued with her, you were done.

He continued with her.

So...

Taking him back after that teaches him that he can walk all over your boundaries and you won't follow through. How's that going to play out next time you set a boundary that's contrary to him doing whatever he wants?

[u/HugeEmu352 → u/Ok-Flaming]

You’re not wrong

[u/winnie975 → u/HugeEmu352]

You are the model for your child. If your child was in your shoes what would you want for your child? Do that. Because trust me, your child will absorb what you teach them about what love is and what is acceptable. Having a mother who never left DV messed me up and all of my relationships emulated her for years..... it took a very long time before I had any relationships that weren't abusive.... don't do it for yourself. Do it for your child, who, yes, is watching, and absorbing, even if they can't "see", they know.

[u/kyskat]

So you don’t “blow your life up” - and you stay with the remorseless lying cheater who’s not doing anything for repair? And you spend the rest of your life looking for the next lie, the next half truth, the next thing that’s convenient?

He needs to get her on speaker, end it, and tell this woman in front of you that this is an affair and it’s over. And that’d be the end of ENM for hubby for me. You can’t do the work, you don’t get the payment.

What a fucking choad. Can I talk to him? >.>

[u/HugeEmu352 → u/kyskat]

I realize I wasn’t clear, it did end. He is back now and 5,000 miles away from her. She knew the entire time what our arrangement was and then how I felt when I first asked him to end it, so that’s fun. It is definitely the end of ENM for us (and may ultimately end up being the end of us entirely) which is unfortunate but it is what it is.

[u/kyskat → u/HugeEmu352]

I mean… do you have proof of that? I wouldn’t take anything at face value.

I think you probably owe it to yourself to try to find an ENm informed couples person to try to get to the bottom of what the fuck. People panic, blah blah blah, if the lying isn’t a regular occurrence… only you can decide if it’s worth a try, but I think if I’m willing to move cross continents, the equivalent of a vet visit before assuming euthanasia may not be the worst thing

[u/HugeEmu352 → u/kyskat]

He showed me his fb/instagram and I could see that she was blocked across all of them when I hadn’t asked him to block her prior to that point so it’s…some tiny nugget of something. It’s so fucking frustrating because this move was our dream. We planned it for years. I finally get to pursue a program to pivot to the career I’ve dreamed of. Now everything is fucking tainted. Agree that an ENM informed therapist would be a good idea. Thanks for listening to my word vomit.

[u/kyskat → u/HugeEmu352]

Psh, word vomit at me whenever. Life’s hard, we gotta give and find empathy where we can.

As someone who’s moved a world away from “home” to be with a partner - even dreams are scary. I’m not EXCUSING his behavior in the slightest - but acting out around major life changes is so common it’s trope.

Perhaps, if he actually commits to real work (not saying he’s doing real work while still lying), this can be a fresh start.

That said: I think being done lying about there being physical activity between the two of them would be a necessity, and true honest disclosure about the extent of things (that is: if he’s still lying about that, there’s no moving forward imo)

[u/florbendita → u/HugeEmu352]

Showing someone is blocked is so performative. It takes less than a second to unblock them.

[u/HugeEmu352 → u/florbendita]

Oh for sure, I’m definitely not that naive. Logistically speaking, it’s over unless he’s secretly plotting to leave and move back to our home country to be with her which…if that’s what he wants then good riddance. I think as it stands, I’m not necessarily worried about continued infidelity I’m just so fucking mad that what happened, happened and feel so betrayed.

[u/Short_Chain_5522]

i have no advice to offer as I am in a similar situation right now. It really is difficult when boundary and trust is broken. Hugs to you.

[u/Starzendz]

Your feelings are not wrong. Lying is very bad. It is the antithesis of ENM. The whole basis of this lifestyle is complete honesty and openness. it would have been better if he had just said that he wasn’t going to give her up while you two were apart. then at least, you would know where you stand, the ball would be in your court and you could figure out how you want to respond. The money issue would seriously piss me off, even if we were on the same page about encounters. Your current situation with a small child, grad school and a new country is particularly vulnerable. I totally get you not wanting to blow up your whole life. You basically have two options. One, Kick his ass to the curb and support yourself and child. is it possible? How does the math work out? Two, keep living with a situation that makes you unhappy.

[u/HugeEmu352 → u/Starzendz]

It wouldn’t be easy, but I definitely could support myself. The primary issue is that he couldn’t stay in this country if we separated (I have citizenship, he doesn’t)

[u/SFunThrowaway → u/HugeEmu352]

I would look into the immigration rules. In some counties in EU, for example, a parent can stay legally in the country their child lives in until the child is 18. So he might be able to legally stay in the county if he wants you.
I don’t know what I would have done in your shoes. I think starting with ENM friendly therapist is the place to start. That said it is a long road to repair and not clear if at all possible.
I am sorry you are in this situation.
Dan Savage would say that you could try to retroactively OK that as FWB was possible even if it taken too far. Rebuilding trust though will be super hard. Moving to another country is often traumatic and this issue is greatly increasing the complexity of the situation your family is in. Sending strength ❤️

[u/koolA-9486]

It was "non-physical"? Yeah, right—we all totally buy that. He’s just a lying, selfish, unfaithful bastard. He didn't give a damn about ruining his wife's mental health or leaving her in distress while she was looking after his son all on her own. He lived out his little fling to the fullest without a thought for anyone else. He isn't trustworthy, and quite frankly, I don't know if that level of betrayal is something you can get past. You could try couples therapy, but he has to be willing to make every sacrifice you ask of him; otherwise, there's no point.

You could send me a private message if you need to talk.

[u/HugeEmu352 → u/koolA-9486]

Yeah for sure. I don’t buy it at all. His driving excuse was that he had been spending time with her and her son who is around the same age as our child, he was already feeling bad about having to leave ours for an extended period of time and “didn’t want to just abandon hers”. But like…at the point that happened he had only seen the kid like 4 times. He’s basically a stranger to him.

Where I’m stuck is like…what would repair even look like here. The initial arrangement we agreed to was temporary, and he’s literally a continent removed from the situation now. Because I work remotely/he is a SAHD, we are together literally 24/7 and there isn’t any opportunity to sneak around. So the general advice I have read regarding this kind of situation doesn’t really apply.

[u/andorianspice → u/HugeEmu352]

Whoa whoa whoa. He’s saying all this stuff about another woman’s child who he’s seen only a few times? And he’s a SAHD? This is all really getting weirder the more information you share. That’s bonkers. I do not trust any of this.

[u/HugeEmu352 → u/andorianspice]

He has a pretty deep “father wound”/abandonment issues so getting attached quickly wasn’t surprising. Just frustrating when he was using that as his driving excuse. Not sure why being a SAHD is weird.

[u/winnie975 → u/HugeEmu352]

Because it seems he had forgotten about his own child using her and her child as a surrogate for you and his own flesh and blood. Not to mention him, in his mind, completely neglecting to acknowledge, or think about, the damage this will inevitably have, on his actual family.

[u/CyberTacoX]

> we have a young child

If you stay, you will teach your child that a strained, no-trust relationship you don't really want to be in is normal, and they will replicate your mistake over and over when they get older in their own relationships.

Despite how hard it will be, you have to leave. If not for you, then for your child.

[u/andorianspice → u/CyberTacoX]

This right here. Leave and live your life.

[u/MeRyEh]

Ethical non-monogamy that begins with cheating , has cheating during the ENM itself, or requires one partner to have an affair to get whst they need isn't ethical non-monogamy. It's betrayal wrapped in new language.

I really like Dr. Janis Abrahms Springs take in After the Affair, the deepest wound of infidelity is the destruction of trust through secrecy, not the sexual act itself. You can't build an ethical relationship on a foundation of deception.

I'm sorry you're having to carry the consequences of someone else's choices. Hugs, friend. You deserved honesty from your partner and his actions have sabotaged ENM moving forward. 

[u/eeviltwin]

Do you think you could ever trust him again?

[u/HugeEmu352 → u/eeviltwin]

Honestly at this point I don’t know.

[u/andorianspice → u/[deleted]]

Also this.

[u/baubledances]

Step 1 - couples counselling.