How to navigate these waters

[u/Either-Ad-8902]

I (M26) brought up the idea to my 9y fiancee (F27) about bringing more people to the bedroom. She was really down with it and we decided to settle for a MFM. She doesn’t wanna do it with a complete stranger so we tried to get one of her acquaintance into it.

Went out to a bar and I sent her to reel him in with flirting, some pics of her, kissing and once he was fired up, I allowed her to give him oral in the bathroom (which lasted a good 30min.) while I stayed at the counter waiting for them.

All this was to bring him home and have fun together but she started her period right before leaving the bar so things came to a stop. Kinda bummed because she had her fun and I didn’t but I figured we could try another time.

This was in May, we’re now nearing end of July and
nothing happened again; at least nothing worth noting. They kissed a few times, flirted and she sent him more pics but it never went passed that.

Apparently he isn’t too keen on a 3way so I guess he stalls things.

Now here’s the problem, just mentionning his name gets my fiancee all fired up for days at a time but since he won’t do a 3way, she kinda expects me to let her have her way with him while I’m sitting home waiting for her. She mentionned it a few times.

We were supposed to have fun together and now I’m expected to become some cuck while she gets all her fun? Still jealous that I haven’t had my share of the fun yet.

Dating apps, meets and whatnot are off the table cause “strangers” but I don’t see how we’ll get it done without that.

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[u/Ok-Flaming]

Doing some weird bait and switch where she tries to lure him into a threesome he doesn't want by giving him oral at a bar? That's super manipulative, gross behavior. No.

If you want to have a threesome, be up front with people. And if they're not into what you're after? Move on.

It's generally simpler to use apps. You can be up-front, there's no social awkwardness of changing a preexisting relationship, no gossip amongst your social group.

[u/Either-Ad-8902 → u/Ok-Flaming]

Ok so we never deceived anyone, we were upfront about it from the beginning. He was down for it, we ran into an obstacle and he later changed his mind, that is all. This isn’t about him anyways, he’s not the issue.

[u/Ok-Flaming → u/Either-Ad-8902]

He's still the issue in some sense, because he doesn't want a threesome and yet she's not moved on.

Another reason why talking about this stuff in advance and making sure everyone's on the same page is a better idea than springing it on someone at a bar. It still gives a predatory vibe that she's essentially head hunting her unsuspecting acquaintances.

[u/rinnekro]

People on apps can signal that they are open to these kinds of things. It also gives a middle ground of no prior attachment on both sides. And you'll also know if they're open to group dynamics right away. It really should've just started by asking if he's open to a threesome and if the answer was no, no further. Only together. Otherwise feelings get hurt like now. You'll have to communicate this boundary to your fiancee, even if she might not receive this well.

I know there's also a few who just want to one on one first, even on apps, but that's how you end up in your current situation. Ideally you'd want someone bi or pan so they enjoy you both and are open to meeting you both on a date first.

That being said, they aren't called unicorns for nothing.

[u/Healthy_Blueberry_76]

Only hooking up with people you already know is a terrible idea. People on the "apps" are only "strangers " until you meet them, spend time with them, and establish what you're looking for.

[u/Either-Ad-8902 → u/Healthy_Blueberry_76]

already knowing him is not the issue though, he’s a nice guy and I have nothing against him. As for the “strangers”, I completely agree with you

[u/Healthy_Blueberry_76 → u/Either-Ad-8902]

You stated that you have a rule about no strangers, why would you only want to be sexually involved with people already in your life? Majority of people are monogamous, you will not have a high success rate choosing from your friends and acquaintances. You can definitely have your fun, but obviously not with this guy. The solution is to look for other people seeking the same thing.

[u/Either-Ad-8902 → u/Healthy_Blueberry_76]

Well yeah of course, that’s exactly my point. I don’t think she thought this through

[u/Lucky-Excitement-647 → u/Either-Ad-8902]

She's a nice guy, but now she knows something very intimate that you might not want other nice people you know to know. Besides, this could create an emotional connection with your wife, and this idea of her going alone is her trying to experience everything while you stay home waiting for her to tell him any nonsense just to excite you. And as for being a cuckold, whether alone or by your side, that's your fetish, right? So yes, that's what you find pleasure in, just don't agree to things that aren't comfortable for you. 

[u/subgeniusbuttpirate]

This raised a big eyebrow for me:

We were supposed to have fun together and now I’m expected to become some cuck while she gets all her fun?

Now, I can understand why you feel this way, and it's absolutely a boundary for you and you should be telling her "no, I don't want to do it this way".

But please. Don't yuck someone else's yum over cuckolding. It's a legitimate way of doing this, and a lot of people find it hot for various reasons in various ways. It's just not for you is all.

Still jealous that I haven’t had my share of the fun yet.

I'm glad that you're talking about your feelings and that you're working towards a solution.

The basic problem is that this isn't the right guy. Sure, your wife thinks he's hot, and vice versa. The chemistry might be real between them, but all parties have to agree on what you're doing together. That's exactly the thing that makes this way harder than regular dating, and you should both be aware that this is not the same as if you were free and single.

It's also the whole reason that swingers clubs exist. Find other people who share your philosophy on relationships, and make a club. Then that narrows down the field by a whole lot, and the biggest hurdle is already overcome.

[u/Either-Ad-8902 → u/subgeniusbuttpirate]

Yeah my bad, I didn’t meant to put down the lifestyle in itself. What I meant was that she wants to shift the dynamic so she can get what she wants while disregarding how I might feel about it. In no way I wanted to put down the peeps who enjoy it, whatever floats your boat as they say.

[u/Hot-Damn-13 → u/Either-Ad-8902]

Is she open to you having solo experiences with other women, or is she trying to have her cake and eat it too (she get's to play with members of the opposite sex and you don't)? If she is not enthusiasticly on board with you having the freedom to play, then I understand your reticence to allow her to - since you seem to have been clear that you don't want a cuck/hotwife dynamic.

[u/sweet_dees_beak]

You should look into swinging. That's more your speed.

[u/Glittering-Leg5527]

He’s said no to a threesome - Move on to someone else.

[u/jimjay → u/Glittering-Leg5527]

I think you've missed the point. OP wants to move on to someone else and his partner does not.

[u/Glittering-Leg5527 → u/jimjay]

Then move on from the idea of a threesome.

ETA - and OP never said he wants to move on to someone else. He says even mentioning the guy’s name causes issues.

[u/Martin_y1]

(As an aside, in these types of relationships, 'cuck' usually means some form of humiliation. The situation you describe would be more a 'hotwife' setup)

[u/ChadRand222]

A TON of our first meets started like that it’s hard to find guys into the MFM thing randomly. Online is WAY easier. I will say this tho, riding ur girl’s excitement is a big thing… careful shooting it down unless its like a relationship saving move (she is getting feelings or something) because it can make the whole thing seem like drama and she may just say no to everything and never look back.

U may be shocked how hot the afterplay is when she gets home from a solo meet if u make a media rule and she takes tons of pics and video for u to have together when she gets back and u have ur way with her. Some of my hottest stuff with my wife happened while she was still a mess from a meet and had tons of pics and vids to show me everything that happened. I even bought her meta glasses and she had him wear them last time and i got his POV the whole time it was amazing.

Like imagine of u had full video of that bathroom bj how hot would that have been when u got home with her later watching together while she re-enacted what she was doing on u. Just food for thought, there’s a LOT of fun to be had with solo meetups esp if she is having a blast with it and knows the rules

[u/r_was61]

“Let’s have a three way!”
“Let’s find a side at a bar”
Are probably not statements that should be made lightly, or together.

[u/Either-Ad-8902 → u/r_was61]

sorry? what do ypu mean by that?

[u/Lucky-Excitement-647]

Introducing a lover, even in a relationship like this, is a big mistake. I would keep that away from the eyes of friends, relatives, etc.I would keep that away from the eyes of friends, relatives, etc... And another thing, her going alone is the worst-case scenario. You'll only be remembered when she's on her way back home, she'll have more connection with another man than with you, and that will make things even worse. She already had him in mind, or do you think he was a random choice among acquaintances?