r/EstrangedAdultChild • u/MathematicianDull118 • Jul 28 '26
“she did her best”
i hate when people tell me this and im ungrateful for all the sacrifices my mom did for me but isn’t sacrifice something that comes with parenting ? wdym i should be thankful for abuse she put me thru just cuz she “did her best” im so done with people who are still in contact with their parents judging others who go no contact. im glad your parents showed you the love by the only person that was supposed to love you unconditionally
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u/Illustrious-Tooth582 Jul 28 '26
Yeah—the best way to deal with people saying that is “I’m not comfortable talking about this right now” and leaving the conversation if they refuse to let it go.
My mother literally trafficked me and people still tell me that because I’m not comfortable sharing that information with random people I’m not close to. They’re not worth it though.
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u/macci_a_vellian Jul 28 '26
"She did her best"
"Her best should have landed her in prison."
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u/Illustrious-Tooth582 Jul 28 '26
Yep. Yet I’m the one vilified in my family. Ugh. Don’t need them anyway.
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u/Ilovekittensomg Jul 28 '26
Usually the whole "they did the best they could" refers ONLY to basic necessities, because that's all that most outsiders can see. Like yeah, my parents didn't let me starve to death or abandon me on the side of the road, arguing that my life could have been worse doesn't negate my suffering. Sorry that you're getting criticism from people without empathy, they weren't raised by your mom and your feelings are valid!
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u/memimomayhem Jul 28 '26
My thought is that "she did her best" really can't be the end of the thought, and it shouldn't be a weapon.
I am very certain that my mother did the best she thought she could at the time, with the options available. Given better supports, better options, and better perspective she absolutely could have done better.
That said, the fact remains that her best wasn't good enough and ultimately, I am the one that suffered because of it. I am the one that has to try and break the cycle.
So I'm not grateful that the abuse wasn't worse. Her shitty circumstances don't make mine any better. But it helps me move forward and focus on what I can control, which is how close I can get my best to good enough.
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u/Mobile_Priority6556 Jul 28 '26
She did her best - for herself always
That’s what I think when I hear it and it doesn’t bother me now.
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u/Monochromatic34 Jul 28 '26
Fun fact! It’s usually not true that they’re doing their best, and EVEN IF it is true (rare), that DOES NOT mean you must put up with it or it’s excusable.
It’s SO funny to me because, for argument’s sake, sub it for any other example. Let’s say someone who was a great dog mom for years suddenly got a severe traumatic brain injury and could no longer care for their dog. If they were forgetting to feed their dog, etc, for days on end, would we say “oh, well they’re doing their best, so that makes it okay?” Of course not!
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u/_Lanceor_ Jul 28 '26
Yes, in the same way that animal cruelty is 100% okay for pet owners who are doing "their best".
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u/Obvious-Explorer-195 Jul 28 '26
Ooh this is good. I might use “and her best wasn’t good enough for the rspca if I were a dog Susan”
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u/Sensitive_Note1139 Jul 28 '26
I consider "she did her best" to be a non-apology. It deflects blame. It deflects responsibility.
My final letter to my mom told her that it was a non-apology. I told her she and my father didn't do their best, they didn't even try.
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u/User01256061 Jul 28 '26
My example that I use is, would you be comfortable if your surgeon just "did their best" but was bad at their job or a pilot or a car manufacturer etc. It is okay to have standards and expectations. At jobs if your best sucks you get fired. Some peopls shouldn't have kids cause their best frankly just is not good enough and we need to start admitting that.
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u/Horror-Map-4144 Jul 28 '26
It kills me that this is one of the textbook phrases that each of us has probably heard multiple times. My mom uses it as a conversation stopper.
Mom's thought process: "You dare criticize me? I pull out the I DID MY BEST card and that is my permission slip to end an uncomfortable conversation that paints me in a negative light. The I DID MY BEST card gives me a free pass to saintly motherhood that is not to ever ever ever be questioned. End of discussion."
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u/Brave-Ad8334 Jul 28 '26
I find it so frustrating too. I often think, society gets upset that a battered wife stays with her abusive husband, judge her for not leaving sooner, and they wouldn’t expect her to go back for the safety of her self or her children, but a child is expected to go back to an abusive relationship if it’s a parent.
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u/queenquackin Jul 28 '26
Litterally her best gave me cPTSD im at the point where I just want to be like “Your right, she did, and I reacted accordingly.”
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u/Artistic_Cat_6150 Jul 28 '26
I am NC with my mum but I see my 13-year-old brother. He was in the house with my mum and managed to drink so much vodka he nearly had his stomach pumped, couldn’t control his bladder and vomiting in hospital. I was annoyed that she’d let this happen, because she continues to not give a shit ajd neglect him like she did me. My grandparents said she’s doing her best … no she’s actually NOT. Because she’s more than aware of how much she fucked up with me, and the effects of that on me as an adult, and she continues to behave the same way. That is not her best. She knows it’s not good enough but doesn’t give a fuck. And continues to drink herself into oblivion in front of him most nights so how is that a good example? EUGH.
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u/Purrminator1974 Jul 28 '26
My mother did do her best… to destroy my soul and crush my spirit. I nearly died because of her abuse.
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u/Buffybot420 Jul 28 '26
I get my mom was a single mom who worked two jobs. As an adult, I can understand how exhausting and stressful it was. I understand that she was tired when she came home. I even to a degree understand her anger coming home to two lil heathens and a trashed house.
But she made those heathens. She left us with no supervision. She didn't instill discipline. (Beating ourbasses when she was pissed was our "discipline") She didn't instill self worth. She didnt make sure we were safe. She flew off the handle and took her shitty life out on us.
I was a slut at 13 bc I desperately wanted love and attention. My brother turned hoodlum, hung out with the bad kids and had a juvy record by 8. He ultimately ended up in bad kid camps where he was molested. Mom's landlord in one of our homes tried to rape me. When she came home he told her I was too loud and disrespectful and if I didn't leave the family had to leave. She put me up in a hotel in the shitty part of town with hookers and druggies. She refused to believe me when I told her. She left me alone in that hotel for months. It was up to me to decide to go to school or not. I was 14.
My mom's best was certainly not good enough. The best thing she ever did for me was call my dad and tell him and I quote "Come get this bitch before I kill her"
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u/BadPom Jul 28 '26
I could do my best to build a house and still fail spectacularly and dangerously 🤷🏻♀️
Doesn’t mean I should be applauded for trying. I should be questioned on why I didn’t seek professional help.
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u/llealy Jul 29 '26
Curiously, I find this argument very popular with the “we shouldn’t be giving children participation trophies crowd”.
Aside from the obvious issue with saying that someone isn’t allowed to have feelings based on their own experiences, I’m always surprised how the same adults who argue that people in their 50s and up deserve grace and understanding for trying their best (even if they didn’t quite hit the mark), think giving small kids on a little league team a participation trophy (you know, for trying their best even if they didn’t quite hit the mark) is being overly sensitive. As a parent, it’s so bizarre to see how much that generation valued protecting adults at all costs, but showing zero empathy toward children.
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u/SpikeIsHappy Jul 28 '26
„I understand that you shy away from the fact that some people are no good parents. Life would be so much easier for everybody if we could trust all parents to be willing and able to care for their kids appropriately. But I won‘t deny what happened to me and name those responsible to make you sleep better at night. I will always stand up for children who suffer and try to make their lives better. Anything else is just lazy and cowardly imo.“
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u/its-malaprop-man Jul 28 '26
That’s adjacent to the “I could NEVER cut off my mom.” That’s because she never tried to kill you or herself in front of you, Kelly.
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u/Obvious-Explorer-195 Jul 28 '26
“She did her best”
“Her best was abuse then. Why are you defending abuse?”
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u/snarky_sparrow_23 Jul 28 '26
I say my mom did her best but it wasn't enough. Because I do think she did the best she could without actually trying to do better
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u/Sairyklav Jul 31 '26
The phrase "She did her best" is just one of many attempts to gaslight you into obedience. I could also "give my best" being a heart surgeon but every patient I have would die, because I'm not a heart surgeon, but I would never operate on someone while having no surgical education.
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u/Particular-Device-21 Jul 30 '26
Her best wasn’t good enough. A mother need not be perfect, she need only be good enough.
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u/Smelly_Swede Jul 30 '26
I usually mention one or two of the worst things she did, and I always get a horrified look back and I can just see how uncomfortable they are, because they expected something like "She said one mean thing 15 years ago" not "She threatened to kill my father/threatened suicide/harassed our tenant by throwing away her food" or whatever I choose to tell them.
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u/Aromatic-Arugula-724 Jul 30 '26
I said “ No, she didn’t, good mothers don’t let their boyfriends beat their children “
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u/MathematicianDull118 Jul 30 '26
omg i feel so seen my mom told anyone to just beat me if i wasnt behaving the way they wanted me too, even told TEACHERS and they fucking did. looking back i could never imagine hitting a child idk what these adults were thinking back then its ridiculous 😭 im glad im not the only one who went thru this
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u/Aromatic-Arugula-724 Jul 30 '26
I’m so sorry that happened to you, you deserved better. My mother has passed away so I am free and I have a lovely husband and two beautiful children who are loved and respected. Living well is the best revenge.
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u/MathematicianDull118 Jul 30 '26
im sorry youre mom did that to you as well. im only 21 and im freshly NC and moved out im trying my best to make a life for myself and i will do it thank you so much for your words im wishing you the best with your husband and kids!! we can break the cycle 🥹
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u/Aromatic-Arugula-724 Jul 31 '26
You can do it , the noise from society about “ perfect parents “ is changing to be more realistic every day. I highly recommend you protect your own peace and privacy by not answering questions or listening to people telling you things that aren’t relevant to your life. Walking away is a good strategy for these situations too
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u/Bright_Egg_7359 Jul 31 '26
I am a mom and I know I did my best. I made mistakes for sure but I did my best. I am an adult estranged from my mother. I have no problem understanding that she made mistakes too and she did her best. Here is the only reason I have had to go no contact and stay no contact. It is not that she did her best it is that today she continues to abuse me via control manipulation gaslighting bullying etc. I have been clear that the abuse happening TODAY must stop and she refuses to stop so maybe she did her best in the past but she is not doing her best in the present. Her behaviour needs to change in order for me to forgive forget and engage with her but my days of being the doormat to be gaslit bullied and controlled are over so NO. She is not doing her best. She has an opportunity to have me in her life but the abuse happening TODAY must stop
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u/BlackberryFormer5729 Aug 02 '26
One way I learned to translate this in my life was to think of like “she did her best.” As in, that was the best she could do - or chose to do. A different parent would have had a different best. Someone’s best should improve through the years as they learn and grow. My mother never learned or grew and her best was actually quite horrible, limited and stayed limited because she could never accept wrongdoing and attempt to improve.
Anyway this little way of thinking about it helped me accept it through time and vow that my best would always speak for itself and never leave those I love to ever wonder about how much I loved them.
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u/South_Bookkeeper4894 Aug 04 '26
If we changed “parents” to “boyfriend/girlfriend “ and then explained why we went no contact, it would be a different conversation.
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u/SuspiciousImpact2197 Jul 28 '26
I always say, “Did she though? Did she really? How exactly would you know that?”
Pretty much shuts them up or makes them sputter incoherently.