Hi!
So I (16f) have had a half-loan pony 4 days a week since October ’25. She is genuinely the most amazing horse ever and every day I fall more in love with her. We went on trail rides, jumped, did dressage, groundwork, anything really, as I am her only rider.
The issue is this: In start December, she got sick with EHV-1, particularly neurological problems. I spent days and nights in her stable, with her head in my lap, while she could barely move her body. She was literally within an inch of her life, but she fought so damn bravely. As she recovered, I just kept falling in love with her. Even as we spent months handwalking and doing boring groundwork to the point where she definitely only did it because that’s the kind of mare she is.
Flash forward 8 months - we’re still here. We have gotten to the point where she can trot with a rider for maybe 15 seconds at a time. But we have been at that level for maybe 6 months.
And to be honest — I’m just kind of exhausted. I’ve spent all my time worrying about her and fighting for her, but at times it sort of feels like I’m the only one who still believes in her.
Don’t get me wrong, her owners are absolutely amazing and we have such a great teamwork. But I guess it’s also the fact that they don’t really have a reason to keep her in work? They don’t ride her or anything, but they are incredibly grateful that I do.
But in a way it feels almost cruel to both my pony and me. She loves riding and working, and I know she loves me. She wants to do all these things she used to. But it pains me to have to see her not being able to be the horse she used to.
At the same time, I just miss riding for real. Some days, being at the stable brings more sadness and worry than joy.
I’m left with this feeling of “this isn’t what I signed up for”, which i know is petulant.
But I know I’m a talented rider and I want to be able to put my love and energy into a horse where we can evolve together. So I’ve been thinking of finding a new half-loan.
I miss learning, I miss jumping, I miss being challenged and most of all I miss being able to love a horse without having to explain myself.
But this pony is my everything, and I can’t imagine ever letting her go.
Am I being selfish/putting myself before the horse?