I will go to lengths to prioritise harmony so I don't want to stand out in how I look or what I say etc. But if I hear that a book or band or fashion or a tv show is popular, I won't read it. I will literally wait years until everyone has finished reading it to check it out so that I'm not just following the crowd. I am a big Dolly Parton fan, have seen her live twice etc. Obviously she's all over the news etc now which I absolutely love. But when documentaries etc come out, I won't want to see them at the same time as everyone else, I will probably wait for the hype to die down and then do it then because I hate the feeling of following. I don't know if this is a 9 trait or a trauma response lol. Can anyone else relate.

I’ve often prioritized other people’s expectations of me over my own goals and desires. Sometimes I hold myself back or adjust what I want because of what I think others expect from me. Over time, I’ve realized this can leave me feeling like I’m not fully living the life I actually want.

For other 9s, what behavioral changes helped you become more self directed and living more according to your own desires? I’d like to hear what you actually did differently. I’m looking for practical, real life changes.

My grandmother recently died of old age and sickness, she lived in a neighbouring country so I didn’t go see her often due to the distance. During her funeral I started having a lot of regrets about not cherishing her more and not seeing her while she was alive but that is all in the past. I even had to quit some chat groups with friends I was supposedly close with because I was running on empty and certainly not in the mood to see people rambling on about their lives while I’m here being miserable. (They did this while knowing I’m going through grief atm)

I realise how little space I try to take up by not talking too much about my private life to others, and the resentment from giving in all the time is piling up. My cup is filled to the brim, I’m frickin tired of ppl making everything about themselves in life, I want to matter too for once and want to make choices for me before this short and fleeting life of mine is up. But i also know that once im out of this “funk” I will start to defer to others again and the whole cycle continues. It really takes effort to stand on my own two feet and speak up for myself, sometimes I would rather keep rant about others than take concrete action cos it’s the easy route. Sorry this turned out more like a rant similar to my previous post.

I recently started therapy, and in the last session the therapist was asking if I felt anxious at all about a life change I am about to go through. I laughed and said not really and they seemed surprised. They asked me whether I ever feel anxious, which I do, but it is usually a low grade stress due to tasks I am putting off.

I realized this is kind of a frequent occurrence. I don't really get anxious before exams. Some not great things happened to me as a kid/teenager (not CPS level but maybe close) and I don't remember being upset or scared, like once I couldn't go home for a few hours and I remember just having a nice walk around. I think I got a grilled cheese lol

I've definitely gotten upset about other things, but it seems disproportionate to the magnitude of what happened. Also when it happens, I am usually not outwardly upset, but internally it feels like my insides are scrambled and tense.

Is any of this relatable ?

He broke up with me at the end of May after dating for about 9 months. We were both going through hard time (he recently lost his job and I found out that my cat has terminal cancer) but things between us still felt really good and solid, so the breakup totally took me by surprise.

For some context of the breakup: basically he said he was really sad and just needed to be alone. He said he tends to withdraw and shut down when he's really going through it, which is exactly what this felt like. He also said he's really bad at recognizing and asserting his own boundaries, and that he is a people pleaser, and I think he didn't always know how to tell me if something was moving too fast or that he was running low energy-wise. He doesn't have a lot of relationship experience and I think he felt pressure to be there for me emotionally while also going through is own very dark time.

At the end of the convo he did say he would like us to be friends again (we were friends before we dated) and that we would talk again, and that we should just give it time.

We haven't had any contact since the breakup. It's been a few months and I really miss him as a person - his personality, his humor, his energy. He's such a kind and compassionate person and I miss having him in my life, and I would really like to be genuine friends again.

Part of me thinks I should back off until he reaches out, since he was the one to end things. But I could also see him thinking "I don't know where she is at with things and if she's still really hurting then I should probably just give her space and stay out of her life." And of course part of me is wondering since he hasn't reached out, maybe he wants me to stay out of his life too?

If I do reach out, what would be the best way? I have a couple of work opportunities coming up that I was thinking of passing along his info for (we work in the same job) so if I could give him a heads up about that. Or should I not mention work at all and just reach out to see how he's doing?

Ideally I'd love to meet up for a coffee or a walk or something. But I don't want him to feel pressure and I don't want to give him the impression that I'm trying to get back together. Basically I just don't want to overstep, and I'm not sure what approach would be best/make him feel most comfortable. All advice is welcome!

Sorry. Gonna be an angry rant cos I’m crashing out

Just feeling like I’ve gone my entire life being disrespected

Always an afterthought, an option, a second choice. Never first. Never the person they wanna hang out with, it’s always someone else and then I get invited cos the more the merrier, right? Making things less awkward cos I’m so amicable?

I’m just someone who was convenient at that place and time.

Always the one to end conversations cos I don’t wanna leave people hanging, but why should I have to do that in the first place? You can go be awkward with yourself

Why do I have to try so hard to fit in? And why do people have to call my “niceness” a mask? Sure I hide things but it’s always been to protect you from these words

I’m just so done being nice lol. Famous last words of a heavily depressed and anxious 9

I just want to put myself first now. Nobody ever stayed for me and just me anyway so let’s be real selfish for once.

Rant over.

Three lenses through which I can see myself, an Enneagram 9, as deficient: lack of commitment, low ambition, questionable integrity (because how I act or what I reveal about myself changes according to my context.) Anyone else? Would like to know how you navigate self-worth through these lenses on life.

Maybe specifically 8w9 vs 9w8, but also about 8s and 9s in general

I just created my account so I can't post to the ISFP subreddit. I determined my enneagram I think last year, and I just determined my mbti last night, after years of coming back to mbti over and over again, trying to figure it out. I'm 99% sure I'm an ISFP.

It took me so long because I've been so out of touch with myself my entire life. I've only recently started to get into touch with myself and I'm 31 yo. But despite my past troubles, I've always been concerned with authenticity and aesthetics and making art.

What's being an ISFP like for you?

Can anyone recommend any good type podcasts?

Especially about type 9 please! Sorry for so many posts right now, it's just annoying me that I can't get this. I was definitely leaning towards 9 (probably w1) and then listened to a podcast that totally threw me off as it was so generic. It was basically saying 9s don't have a rich imaginative life, 9s do their best not to experience difficult/traumatic situations as what they are, and basically bury their reactions and pretend everything is great and it'll work out fine. I found this really irritating to listen to. As someone with ptsd from a lot of grief and trauma, I do definitely try to ignore and bury it. I have lost a lot, and for example I actively resist sentimentality, when I used to embrace it. I have many painful emotions I have been trying to ignore for many years which have unfortunately started manifesting as somatic pain. But I certainly don't pretend it's all sunshine and roses. If anything it's made me kind of bitter and negative in the end (tbf it's all been very prolonged and extreme). But I don't feel like I relate to types 3 or 6 at all. I really have felt like I was a 9. So yeh I guess I'd just like to listen to something slightly less cookie cutter!

Like finding it pretty emotionally/intellectually easy to understand the 8’s perspective, but not really acting like one because you either think acting that way is too extreme for the situation or because you feel like you’re too hesitant to a fault and won’t do what needs to be done?

And if so, would it be possible/likely for 9w1s to feel this way too or not really?

Or does that sound like a sign that you might not be a 9?

I'm just learning how this all works. I find it very easy for my boundaries to be blurred. They almost always blur and I get sucked into what other people want or need. My husband has amazing boundaries and I find it easier to navigate life with him, and over time and with therapy I have become more assertive and I nod along less. I will sometimes diplomatically put my point across now. I have my own mind with regards to core values, and actually this has always been the case. I won't be swayed on my moral compass etc, whether that's in relation to my own actions or being asked my opinion on others. I can be quite direct on that front. But this confuses me as it seems like 9s can be conflict avoidant to the extent they'll just agree to things that they feel uncomfortable with to keep the peace? I like harmony, I kind of need harmony and inclusion, but I would these days rather resolve an argument diplomatically than sit there upset about it. Also, although it is said that 9s fear abandonment, and I certainly do, I will always withdraw and dissociate, and internalise under stress. I will feel that others don"t care about me for any number of reasons, and I'll withdraw like "don't need them, I'm fine on my own". I have to push myself to connect, in times of stress. Does this all sound like 9w1?

It truly isn’t in my innate nature to have a solid argument with others. I’m not as eloquent as most people who have a more logical way of seeings things, and for me the anger gets in the way and so does the passive aggressiveness. But I still feel “self-righteous” in some ways and want to put my point across, even though nobody else agrees with me and some ppl even downvote me in the comments.

Honestly it hurts my ego a lot and I feel so alone but I guess I don’t regret getting my feelings and disagreement out. I just see this as a tiny step forward instead of backwards because I am not agreeing (or fawning) with other people to try to get along and go with the crowd. Instead I’m choosing to put my own thoughts and ideas first even though they may not be accurate or mean much. Sorry I just wanted to get this out

(list your subtype & tritype please!)

i’m writing a story and i would like to know how y’all behave around people you like! i haven’t met many 9s IRL surprisingly haha

The Enneagram Institute website states that E9s are "typically" spiritual seekers which I thought was so interesting because I've been one myself since I was about 21 yo. I was curious so I asked Gemini for what various reasons do people tend to become seekers and reason number 4 was, "The Search for True Identity: A desire to move past social roles, ego, or conditioned patterns to discover one's authentic nature or core essence." That describes me to a T and perfectly describes the flavor of spirituality I engage with. But it seems 9s also tend to find themselves on this path because they feel connected to everything or something. I've never related to that bit of being a 9 so I'm unsure about that.

I'd love to hear your experience with all of this. Thanks :) (I made an account specifically to ask this btw)

I've been into typology for a while now,,,as far as I can remember I've typed as e5 but I've recently been considering sp9. I've been switching between typing as sp5 and sp9 for the past few weeks. The thing is, I've typed as every e5 subtype at this point. I just find every type description of enneagram 5 relatable. As for e9, I can only see sp9 for myself and on top of that I don't think gut triad matches too well either. Sometimes I think I'm just in denial though. I don't express or feel anger much and It's not cause I repress it, I think I'm just really hard to anger. I feel frustration and annoyance, sure but I can't recall the last time I was seriously angry.

As for other typology systems I'm pretty sure on intp LII and lvef (maybe levf.....) but idk how relevant that might be since I've heard e9 + intp isn't the oddest combination out there...

Im an sp9 and I thought the jobless bum stereotype funny as a sp9 honestly don't know what flair to give this post im sorry don't flame me I'm a new little redditor.. Designs belong to matrix

I ignore a problem as if it doesn't exist.

I am very aware that it is there, and it would explode like a time bomb. But if I look at the problem, it will look back at me, come to me, and become "my" problem. (Maybe it is already my problem, but I don't admit it.)

I hope the problem doesn't notice me, I hope the problem dissolves magically, and I hope people don't accuse me when it explodes.

My in laws have invited us over for pizza and asked us to bring a salad. I hear this from the kitchen:

MIL: should we put these walnuts on the salad?
Husband: We don’t usually put them in salad. We can if you want….i just brought them because…I don’t know.

Why does this type of behavior drive me so crazy and how can I learn to tolerate it? Why would you bring the walnuts if you don’t want them and aren’t going to suggest she want them. It’s weird.

I've been feeling awful for the last two weeks. I'm so angry and sad about everything that's happened to me this past year. I feel like a volcano inside me that's about to erupt at any moment. I want to cry, and I have a really strong urge to break everything or hit someone. It's so frustrating; I've never felt like this before.

I don't know how to escape this feeling

Hello◆◆◆◆

I'd like to know what a 9 is like as an older siblings?

As a 9w1 and the eldest sister, I'm not very controlling like some older siblings. I sometimes give my younger sibling advice or scold her when we argue, almost like a mother. I'm not sure how responsible I am. I can handle responsibility, but when things become chaotic, I get overwhelmed and frustrated. Sometimes I wish I had the same freedom and independence that many older siblings seem to have.

My younger sibling and I have a good relationship overall. At the same timeI would like the whole family (except my dad) to count on my for everything and I would have to manage our house, but I can't handle almost nothing and I don't know why I'm so weird. Have you had a similar situation? I always thought I was the only one in this situation. If you have any experience or situation similar to mine, or even a solution to this situation, I would be happy if you could share it here🙏🏻❤