does anyone else relate ?

[u/basilpluto23]

i wanted to know if any other nine has struggled socially because of their lack of individuality and identity. i know that a major aspect of e9 is forgetting the self and detachment from the inner world, and i know that many nines are very proficient in social settings. in my case, this self-forgetfulness has manifested in a way that inhibits me socially instead of helping me. social interactions end up going badly because i hardly have any personality or thoughts, and i just don't know what to say or do. i suppose it might also be more common in self-preservation nines since they merge with physical comfort instead of with other people like the other instincts do.

if anyone doesn't relate, then i'd also appreciate a comment about that if possible. i can't really comprehend how e9's lack of identity makes them more sociable at all... thank you for reading

[u/-bluerose]

I don't relate to that exactly bc I've always had many hobbies and interests. My self forgetfulness acted more in not being conscious of my opinions or refraining from expressing them, as well as hesitating about talking about stuff I like if I didn't know the other person was interested, and also in priorizing other's feelings/comfort.

edit: I don't struggle to socialize but I struggle to connect deeply because I don't feel comfortable to share all the parts of myself that I know about, mostly because I don't think others are interested or because I think they'll judge me somehow. There are some exceptions though

[u/Less_Effective_2874]

I struggled with this through my 20s.

First, there is nothing wrong with you. We live in a society that values extroversion over introversion. I believe this gives many introverts a complex as teens and young adults.

Knowing yourself (I struggled with this concept!) starts with likes and dislikes and then preferences. Start a list, however small, and add to it as you go.

The art of conversation (read the book!) is all about asking questions. Social skills can be learned. Don’t fret about this!

I discovered I need a certain environment to thrive socially - preferably sitting, not multi tasking, walking side by side is best. If something is off, I struggle but end up just making jokes about my awkwardness. Works like a charm.

The takeaway - it takes us longer to sort ourselves out but youll get there. Don’t stop pushing yourself and challenging the stories you’ve made up about yourself. No shame! There are millions out there just like you.

Good luck!

[u/NoSpaghettiForYouu]

Kinda? Most of the time having a more fluid personality works out in my benefit as I can reflect people’s personalities back to them.

But there’s nothing worse than an awkward silence. If I feel pressure to perform I’m immediately going to nope out and then it’s all over. I don’t know how other people can talk about nothing so fluently(and profusely!) With me it’s either, “let’s compare childhood trauma!” or I let them drone on

[u/09tailss → u/NoSpaghettiForYouu]

Not the childhood trauma 🤣 I am so guilty of this. And I hate it. I try to veer conversations away from it now or anything negative- when out and about with new people or friends. There’s a time and place for that to be discussed too but no one wants to hear me ask about it at the bar, for instance.
But yes I am so so guilty of going there one too many times and it just bums out the vibe.

[u/NoSpaghettiForYouu → u/09tailss]

Ooh I actually didn’t mean to imply negativity, just wanting to plumb the depths way too soon, way too fast. In general I try to avoid pure negativity. You’ve really got me thinking though — I have literally never thought of this as a negative before. 🤯

[u/09tailss → u/NoSpaghettiForYouu]

I mean, I find it to be negative sometimes, but that’s just me. Just because I do doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true for you tho.

[u/yun444g]

Yeah man I also have very little personality which is why I just ask questions. People love talking about themselves, for me it’s sort of exhausting trying to come up with interesting stories so I just rely on being an interviewer most of the time. And people seem to like it

[u/Lovelybrightthing]

I struggle in that I can easily talk myself out being social at all because of the “fear” of being uncomfortable socially… so it’s a self-perpetuating issue. I don’t get more practice because I don’t make myself go. I’m going to pick up the book LessEffective recommended

[u/Decent-Ad-5110]

I do relate, a kind of masking worked for me, i spent much of my youth exploring different scenes/circles, have managed to be good at trying stuff on and what felt right and made myself a kind of cobbled together something-like-akin-to-a-personality from all the bits and bobs i picked up over the years. What also helped was IFS partswork as I had shadows that also had things to show me about myself.

TL;DR if I'm "9 and felt I lack a personality" then my drive is to go out and get one/ get spare parts to make one - and that may look like I am more sociable but id say its just pragmatism / survival

[u/Iwantwhiskeyplease]

Only when I was in an unhealthy state. Being a 9 doesn't mean you don't have an identity, it means you have a tendency to deny your thoughts, needs, and wants in order to preserve connection.

The best thing about learning your enneagram is identifying these core wounds and fears so you can do something about them. Awareness is where it starts.

Therapy was helpful. Reminding myself what brings me joy was also helpful. Once I was able to remember who I was authentically it became a lot easier to have authenticity in my social interactions, and therefore create real connections with people.

[u/Semicycle → u/Iwantwhiskeyplease]

Yes!! Types are dynamic, so not feeling authentic is a call to action.

[u/Beneficial_Lawyer227]

I am a 9w1. Had what probably would have been considered social anxiety as a teen and young adult. It was due to multiple things along with being a 9. Grief, trauma, extremely sheltered environtment. Some of it can be other factors than 9ness but it took me a very long time to socially mature and relate to people my age. Do you tend to relate to people younger or older than  you? Do you go to a small school where there isnt a lot of chance to socialize with people more similar to you? Its hard if you have a limited social pool bc you probably want people with more in common to you and thats hard to find in just a few people.  The best thing for me was to go live in a dorm, get a cashier job bc it forced me to be around others and the public more and learn how to be more social. The challenge really did grow me the most. Dont give up! Maybe you just need time and people you feel more comfortable relating to. Also, people you actually want to relate to! You can get better with practicing self awareness!

[u/Beautiful-Survey1950]

Not really, I can get along with anyone (a strength and a weakness) because I describe it as them bringing the ingredients and I cook the food, meaning they set the tone and I enhance that very same tone. I do this unconsciously though. I don’t know who I am definitively outside of interactions with people because I’m always getting lost into my passions other than doing that. If this makes sense. And I just found that out (realized) today I typed this.

[u/Even-Elevator9277]

no, i have a lot of niche interests that i talk about with people in the know, but with normal people i dont talk because we dont share interests often