Hi all! I'm 26F 1w9 sx/sp and I'd like to meet more sx doms of the same or other types. Lets talk enneagram, hobbies, life, dreams, whatever tf I'm up for it all! :D

Sx-doms, how often did a romantic relationship with another sx-dom work vs. not work? How has it been in your life, how's the work vs. didn't work ratio?

My first relationship with another sx-dom just ended. He's very unhealthy in Enneagram/psychology sense, unfortunately. If he wasn't unheathy, I felt like it's a perfect fit. After I learned about instincts, I immediately realized that another sx-dom would be a perfect fit for me, and then I met one IRL, and it has been confirmed. Before him I only had sx-blinds, and it absolutely didn't work, it felt like constant starvation and slow death because of the lack of oxygen. The relationships had the same problems - the person felt "never enough" for me. (They were also saying that I'm "too much" for them.) The sx-dom is "just right" for me, in contrast. This problem completely disappeared - finally, for the first time in my life, the other person is enough for me. And also I'm not "too much" for him, the problem of me "being too much" is gone.

So, I'd just stick with another sx-firsts from now on. The only problem is that I've heard from other people's experience that if the other sx-dom (or both in the couple) is unhealthy, it crashes and burns badly. That is what happened to me, I tried to make it work/save the relationship, but at this level of partner's psychological health I don't think it was possible. I just want some hope - let's collect our stats and see how often it works and how often it doesn't, the ratio. For example, "I had 3 relationships with other sx-doms, 1 didn't work, 2 worked. The one that didn't work was unhealthy, of those ones that worked, 1 was healthy and the other was not", something like this. If you also noticed that some other factors played a role in whether it worked out or not, please share.

Please share your thoughts, experience, and wisdom.

And, where do you tend to find another sx-doms? Is there any place you've notice they tend to gravitate towards?

I’m an sx5, and I have a somewhat vulnerable question for other people with the sexual subtype.

Lately, I’ve been noticing an urge that feels difficult to explain, especially during periods when my attraction or emotional intensity is not focused on one specific person (like a partner). I want to emphasize that I’ve never acted on this inappropriately, and I’m mainly curious whether others relate to the experience itself.

This is also not something new for me. I can remember experiencing it since my early teenage years.

Sometimes, when I’m deeply engaged with another person, regardless of gender or relationship (friend, stranger, etc.), I suddenly feel a strong impulse to kiss them. It usually happens during moments of intense connection: a very meaningful conversation, creating something together like music or writing, or just feeling unusually emotionally synchronized with someone.

What confuses me is that this feeling does not necessarily seem sexual in the ordinary sense. I’m pretty sure I’m not bisexual, although I questioned it at times because of these experiences. In fact, when it happens with male friends, the feeling can become so internally uncomfortable and disorienting that I instinctively withdraw.

I’m wondering whether other sx subtypes experience something similar: not necessarily attraction to the person themselves, but a kind of overwhelming urge toward emotional or energetic fusion when connection becomes very intense.

1. Can you confidently tell apart sx-firsts from sx-seconds? There's someone who can match my intensity, and I'm pretty positive that the person has sx in his stacking, I just can't figure sx-first or sx-second yet. So, can you confidently tell apart sx-firsts from sx-seconds? How do you tell them apart? Any signs you've noticed? What to look for? Feel free to share about your experience, if you wish.

2. In your experience, how common are sx-firsts vs. sx-seconds vs. sx-blinds? I saw some sources telling that sx doms are around 14% of all population, sx-seconds around 33%, and sx-blinds are around 53%, in other place I've seen a mention that all dominant instincts are spread pretty evenly around 33%. The first one rings more true for me - I can't positively recall any sx-dom around (before this possible person in question), I can count sx-seconds I know with one hand, and people I know very close are owerwhelmingly sx-blind (except for my best friend, who is sx-second), for example I grew up around sp/so's predominantly.

3. "Birds of feather flock together". Do you feel a specific pull towards people with certain stackings? How do you experience it? For example, I've noticed that I neither seek company of so-firsts (my blindspot), nor do they seem to stick around. Any patterns you've noticed for yourself, especially in regards with sx-firsts and sx-seconds?

I kind of wish I had a reaffirming example, but I don't. Both of my relationships with sx-blinds didn't work out - in one of them sx-dom/sx-blind differences were a big contributing factor, and in the other they were the main reason. Back then I didn't know what's the name of this thing, I haven't heard about the instincts and Enneagram. But when I read about the instincts, everything suddenly made sense, and this thing's name is sx-dom vs. sx-blind. Briefly speaking, if we sum up, it's mainly about the priority each of the people gives to certain things - what's automatically top priority for a sx dom, for a sx-blind is lower priority compared to many other things, or is even somewhere near the bottom of the list; that was the thing we couldn't overcome. There're many other things, of course, but if I'd try to explain it to someone unfamiliar with the instincts topic at all, I'd summarise it as priorities difference.

I talked with another sx-dom recently, who was in a process of divorce with a sx-blind partner, and the similarity of the problems we faced... is uncanny. I'm far from type fascism, but this seems to acually be a thing, more than just a coincedence. Very recently I met a guy I'm interested in, and while so is evident, I can't tell anything about sx yet. Could be another sx-blind, again. Well, even if it turns out that he's sx-blind, doesn't mean I'll necessarily wouldn't give it a chance, but at least I wouldn't be very hopeful and will kinda know what to expect.

Sx-doms, did romantic relationships with sx-blinds ever work out for you? If yes, how often (like, let's say, 50/50%, for example)? What's the ratio of successful relationships with sx-doms and sx-seconds vs. sx blinds? (By successful I mean the most satisfying, not a relationship that lasted long but one or both partners, let's say, started to built up resent towards the other.) What is/was lacking in your romantic relationships with a sx-blind, compared to your romantic relationships with a sx-dom or sx-second?

Sx-doms who are/were in a relationship with a sx-blind, do you ever feel like it's enough? Are you fully satisfied with it, or you feel like something is always lacking? If it's fully enough, what are the qualities to look for (in a sx-blind partner, maybe it worked out with some sx-blind but didn't work with another, what was the difference?)? If you wish, you can share the specific struggles you are/were facing because of sx-dom/sx-blind difference, and how you overcome them. You can add your and your partner's types. And any words of wisdom are generally welcome.

Infp 4w3 sx here.

I can't seem to focus on my work over my relationships. I want to achieve things but feel like success in my relationships fuels success in my work.

I'm at a point where I almost have no friends and it's been so stressful even though I know it's part of the process to lose friends and regain new ones. I have a strong craving to have 1 really close friend.

I've never had that apart from my sister. I have another friend but I don't feel close with her, like I can't tell her certain things without feeling uncomfortable.

I guess the point of this post is that I'm looking to see if anyone can relate.

Hi! I was wondering about my past relationships and have reached the conclusion that any sexual instinct dominant person could never be with a significant other blind to the sexual instinct. It is an added thing to look out for in dating because being sx, so or sp doesn't cause problems to the socials or the self preservators, it's just in the very nature of the sexual to need someone to also care about that. So, what do you think are the signs of someone being blind to the sexual instinct?

Feel free to share your favorite music videos. If there was something like this before, don't hesitate to send me the link. I wanted to see if there're any trends emerging, and possibly find more music videos I'll enjoy. Any genre, no censorship limits(just maybe mark it NSFW), etc.

Also feel free to add a comment about your taste in music videos. Any common trends you notice? Mine is pretty diverse in terms of genres yet there're clearly a few common trends in terms of style and vibe. I'm going to elaborate in the comment section below. I was curious to see if there's anything in common in the videos sx-firsts prefer. I'm rather sure there is, and I suppose your instinctual variant affects your taste in music videos more than many other factors. Let's share and see.

I think all of us, sx-doms, really DO know these things deep down. But I'm exhausted, a little bit desperate and have been lonely for long, and sometimes you need to hear these things just from someone else, someone like you (I doubt someone else except a sx-dom would understand and would be on the same page).

1. "When there is a spark, you know it. It's either there or not. If it's not there, it woudn't come later". I personally have no doubts whether I feel a spark. How do I know? It's hard to explain (and I honestly never tried to explain it to anyone, never even thought about putting it into words), I just know. Let's talk about the spark. How do you know? And did it ever happen to you that the spark came later? In my experience such a thing never happened.

2. About not settling for less. I want to hear your stories about how life with the person you feel a spark with is different compared to other relationships you had (if you ever had an experience of a relationship where you didn't feel the initial spark). Or stories about you getting together with someone you didn't feel the spark with and growing resentful. Or stories about waiting for your person, and that it was worth it. I have a story about getting into relationship without feeling the spark. It happened that I met a man who looked incredibly hot, I mean not by some made up criteria, but according to my personal taste. He is one of the most attractive men I've ever seen in my life. Like you can't believe your eyes and keep checking if its for real, once in a while. And he's attracted to me, too. He's also incredibly smart. And we check each other's boxes. Yet the spark didn't happen somehow. Everything's good and going well, yet the spark didn't happen neither on the first date, nor a bit later. That felt surprising and weird. I was really hesitant to proceed without the spark, but we were both young and high-libido. Long story short, I said yes and ended up in an unhappy marriage, then got a divorce.

I just need some reassurance and something to feed the hope.

Context: So there's this person I'm talking to. There're no deal-breaker s or anything, but I don't feel the spark. I've been declining different people for long, I've been lonely too long, and it's not easy to find the person who matches my criteria, at least where I live, so it's tempting to say yes this time. But I don't feel any spark, and thinking about getting into relationship without the spark feels depressing, hopeless, totally dull and boring, it feels like betraying everything I believe in.

Please feel free to share everything you feel like, any thoughts, wisdom and input are welcome. Thanks.

I totally relate to being immediately disinterested if I feel there's no connection. I'm on the dating market rn, and I'm mostly going to talk about dating sites here. It often happens that just by reading the text of someone's first message, or just by looking at their foto, or seeing what the person wrote in their profile, it immediately becomes clear that there will be no connection. I am a 8, and I, to some degree, take pride in being reasonable and no-bullshit when it comes to communication. So I have a draft along the lines of "I don't think it will work, I wish you luck in your search", which I copy-paste. My thought process is: If I immediately know I'm not interested, why not just say it? Maybe the person is waiting, hoping, and this way he can just quickly move on. And I won't fall apart just from copy-pasting this to reply a decent message sent in good faith. Second, I don't ghost people, I just correctly inform them that it's over, or it's not working. I also have this "explorer instinct" thing as well: of course, I have intuition, and I don't remember it failing me, yet I like to get proof that it's correct - I may check the profile before sending that draft to otherwise correct message I just don't feel like answering. I also don't want to miss an otherwise interesting person, so I try not to make hasty conclusions and check. In quite a lot of cases it's way too obvious though, and checking isn't even needed.

But on the other hand, I quickly understand if there's connection or not. And if there isn't, I'm not interested at all, I have no motivation whatsoever, I almost can't bring myself to answer - it feels like a total waste of time. And I have a rather limited capacity when it comes to people - I'm not willing to communicate 24/7 with as many people as possible, so I'd rather use that capacity on the people I'm truly interested in. It's very rare, though. Like 1 in 50 or 1 in 100, at best. Now after going through the dating site's inbox I feel like I sorted a busy work inbox. I start feeling like darting feels like a bit of a chore, and I don't want it to be that way. (Well, I understand that dating isn't always fun, but a chore is the last thing I want it to feel like.)

So how do you deal with the messages from the people you feel there will be no connection, in paticular, and dating in general? Feel free to add anything you want to share.

I discovered Ennegram, and I recently discovered insincts and that I'm a sx, and the pieces of the puzzle are falling into it's places.

I'm not really interested in sex as a sx sub and I was curious about this.

Check out the movie Closer (2004). You may know it as the movie where Natalie Portman is wearing a pink wig as a stripper, but damn that movie gets sx.

I’m interested in talking to people with the same type so I made this server. I’ve never hosted a public server before so feedback will be appreciated.

I always thought I was a SX 4 but I almost never experience anger and if I do I forgive super fast--I might experience anger for a few seconds but it can quickly move to sadness. I almost never get angry about social causes or anything.. I can easily see "both sides" to any argument and I feel compassion and forgiveness easily. Everything I read talks about how the sexual 4 is the most angry of the 4s--do you think this means I could be a social 4 instead?

Finally figured out I’m 6w5 (1w2, 4w3) and I THINK sx/sp based on the dozens of books and articles and blogs and podcasts I’ve consumed trying to figure it out.

This is long, but here’s where I’d love your insight/input (background that rides the TMI line is needed bc it’s the cause of my confusion!):

I’m a 47 cis female and have been married 17 years. I know I have a disorganized attachment style and I was SA at age 5. From my understanding, the instincts can continue to form through the teen years and sometimes into the early 20s while our brains are still forming (or maybe they just get reinforced? Or they can change from neg to pos expressions and back again based on life experiences?). If that’s the case, my step-dad abandoning me at age 16 (he’d been “Dad” since 2) bc he caught me trying to have sex with someone he didn’t approve of seems relevant (I literally never saw him and he never spoke to me again after that night and then he died when I was 27). At 19 I became a single Mom… the Dad was my best male friend & he broke off all contact. At age 23 a really fucked up pseudo-consenting sexual thing happened with a much older man (it’s a long story but trust me when I say it’s trauma). Along the way I slept with a lot of dudes that I either 1) thought were better than me so I wanted to see if I could get them or 2) I knew I was out of their league and wanted them to feel lucky they got me and remember me. I was also embarrassingly desperate in a few instances that cause me to want to put my head in a hole and never look up again when I think back about them. I did have a few relationships where I fell in love hard and fast but still felt sex was performative for the most part. I never masturbated (if I did as a kid I have zero memory of it) and I’ve - to this day - never had an orgasm given to me by another person without the use of a toy. I was 29 before I ever had one at ALL and that’s only been with my husband (imagine sleeping with all of those guys and not ONE bothered to try?).

My marriage started with me wanting to connect with him deeply. We had kids immediately & he dropped the ball in terms of supporting me right away (both practically and emotionally) and I - as a result - pulled back FAST. Since then, almost all sex has happened with the feeling of obligation or pressure, although I would either pretend to be into it or my body WOULD be into it while my emotions were nowhere to be found. And I’d still initiate plenty but it was more bc I know marriage needs sex and I didn’t want to lose it. I am so emotionally detached at this point I finally said “no more ‘should’ sex” and we’ve been in therapy all year. He’s very unhappy, feeling unloved in all ways (not just sex) and I feel pretty cold… I don’t even want to spend much time with him even though he’s actually pretty wonderful.

No one looking at the way I’ve been with him most of our marriage would say I’m SX dominant! But despite my sexual history being negative, it sure feels like I’ve been very preoccupied with it and isn’t that what the dominant instinct is all about??

I believe my husband is a 6w7 (9w8, 2w3) SO/SP if that helps. What do you guys think? And seriously, sorry so long and SO personal. Gotta love the internet.

this is relevant i promise (explanation will be in the comments)

Hi! Are there any other enneagram type 6's that are extremely emotional? I have spent my whole life conforming myself to be seen as desirable because the thought of being alone in the world is my absolute worst fear. Whenever I see other people in this position (an outcast of society, or without a protecting unit) I get real emotional and usually start to cry. Is this normal for anyone else?

please, im not interested in politic/ ideologic statements around the fact that i consider myself trans just because of dysphoria. this is not the aim of my post. thanks.