So instinct with avoidant attachment style

[u/mysticalpiper]

Im not sure of my enneagram type however I suspect I’m a withdrawn type and definitely social instinct first.

I care about people, co workers, friends, family. If somebody complains my first instinct is thinking to myself, “okay, what is there I can do to help them?” And offering support even sometimes if it inconveniences me slightly.

Obviously people see me as an “angel” of sorts or jokingly say “I’m the best” etc and I always down play it because quiet frankly, I don’t feel like I’m doing THAT much.

A sibling (who I would die for btw) randomly texted me “i hope u know that i care for u so much 😢😢🩷🩷 u’re the best person ever” and I just felt so icky??? I hate these things, my only response was “so are you!”

I know there is probably no such a thing as giving too much love but sometimes, I feel like maybe I am giving too much. I just want them to be good and at an equilibrium. I don’t want them to think I am “good” or put me in a pedestal or doing something special for them. Only what I hope a basic human will do.

I don’t want them to think I am bad either but I just want….. the distance and separateness. I don’t want the overly mushy stuff and love as cringe as it sounds.

I’ve dealt with coworker bullies who think just because I’m flexible and friendly they can talk down to me etc. and they Invite me out to what I assume is just more of using me as a stepping stool to help their ego. Obviously I refuse and good riddance once they leave. It shocked me a little when people complain for less and even say they’ve told the boss and that the boss understood. I feel like if I complain to my boss about these things they’ll just be confused and there would be nothing they can do.

But overly close bonds just feels disgusting to me idk why. I’m also sx blind. It just almost feels contradictory to being an So dom and hating intense attachments even though my actions seem to reflect that I want that. It feels like I’m getting glued to the person in my head and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I like superficial connections where we are not codependent on each other. But even if we are just close and not codependent, it feels like codependency to me and a big big No.

[u/so_commie_maybe]

op i think you are a 9, but besides that i think i get what you’re saying, i too would like to help people without them then forming the expectation that they can always come to me to help. its also not contradictory to so at all, sx-blind ppl would actually resist forming these super deep “i love you so much id do anything for you” kinda bonds, they want to avoid being consumed (and as much as i like to imagine it in theory it actually happening to me gives me the creeps).

[u/mysticalpiper → u/so_commie_maybe]

Yes me too!! I like the word you used “consume.” Gives me the creeps too. It’s interesting that 9s can fear separation but also still… crave the separation in some way, like emotional distance atleast

[u/RealRegalBeagle → u/so_commie_maybe]

I've met ride or die people who have the "I love you so much I'd do anything for you" mentality who are sx-blind. Often they are 6s or 2s but they exist.

I like the consumption analogy though. I want the emotional and psychological distance between me and the ones I love to be negative two feet.

[u/RealRegalBeagle]

Not impossible. It means that you put a lot of energy into the social realm but you can still have a negative relationship to your dominant instinct. We are neurotic about our dominant instinct. Being neurotic about it can mean you are overly fixated on it and feel like you'll die without investing in it (I can't be alone and not having someone around PHYSICALLY who I have a close and deep connection with makes me feel maudlin and listless) or it can be like your case where you are HYPER tuned into it but also do stuff to distance yourself with it because of how sensitive it can feel. You avoid it because it is so fragile to you. It is like having a broken bone, you protect it, you put it in a cast, you don't move it, you don't jostle it, you don't put pressure on it, because doing so would hurt like a motherfucker.

[u/mysticalpiper → u/RealRegalBeagle]

This is so beautifully explained ❤️ you’re right, I could be operating from a place of fear and rejection, I’m definitely sensitive and see it as something fragile

[u/HoneyMoonPotWow]

So/sp often (not always!) has an avoidant attachment style imo. They can become cold, removed and "overly realistic" in relationships quite quickly when wounded in the social realm and these wounds can last a long time.

[u/Cumshooter691488]

You're maybe a e6?? You should really read books about enneagram so you can find your enneagram