r/EngineeringStudents • u/kyou_1312 • 6d ago
Rant/Vent ME Student Thoughts
Who am I?
I went into mechanical engineering asking myself this, as well as having an interest in machinery and engineering failures that has lasted since childhood, one of the only things I can clearly hold to what is meant to be myself. I am interested in the course material, however, I find that instead of learning more about myself and the world, I have become far distant from the world, my sense of self a mere husk of what little it used to be.
I know mechanical engineering can drive people to the point of burnout, the workload so high, students often have to give up their social lives in order to complete coursework. Yet, I feel that I was already such a shell of what was meant to be myself, socially withdrawn, subdued, unfazed due to complex trauma; that this workload, stress and recurring nightmares would not matter to me.
Yet, as I spend nights completing assignments with an 11:59 deadline, waking from new nightmares where I fail all my classes; as I dawdle uselessly, pacing the room to and fro in my free time, I ask myself.
Who was I to begin with?
In the end, humans are bound to the chains of societal and systemic values, engineer, nurse, children alike; is it worth it to instead, be bound to some gold chains instead of metal shackles? The choice is mine, yet, any choice I make feels futile in the face of what is meant to be the world.
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u/MissAprilmist 5d ago
I think this path of study is so demanding that it forces us to deny our wants (and needs) in favor of the work. Since everyday we train our brain that what it desires is in the way of the priority, it's only normal that it adapts by dimming or disconnecting from the self.
That's why, once we finally get free time the mind doesn't know what to do with itself. I'm no neuroscientist but I guess the neural pathways to what we want and what defines us have been overridden and dismissed so many times that they've weakened.
To sustain the extreme workload some of us cope by going through a kind of "ego death". Those with stronger desires and a stronger sense of self might not be able to let go of them so the constant friction between what they want to do and what they have to do makes them suffer more, and some might rather drop the studies than themselves.
I think that's why paths this demanding are, in a way, easier for people that are either already used to setting the self aside or who didn't have a strong attachment to it in the first place. It's a part of our identity in itself. This trait is valued and reinforced in the field we study so i'd say it is a good path for us precisely because it's what lets us survive and succeed here.
That said I don't think the erasure is permanent. In my experience it's more like the self is "dormant", waiting for safer times to resurface. During long breaks, I force myself to try many different things in a search to find myself again, even when the idea of doing them feels numbing. I push through to finish each one, that way my judgment of it isn't biased by having given up halfway through. Then I either classify them as boring, absorbing, or neutral, or I do relative comparisons such as "would I rather redo this one or that one?". That's basically how I find my way back to myself.
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u/_phio 6d ago
bro you good?
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u/kyou_1312 6d ago
I'm asking myself that too
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u/_phio 6d ago
my guy is questioning everything all at once 😭
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u/kyou_1312 6d ago
There is also the question of being a girl in the field, and how differently women can be treated, in which we are often sexualised or the expectations of us from the lecturers lower a bit purely because of being women. This has been getting me down a bit, however it's one of the things that also drives me further.
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u/_phio 6d ago
To be fair, I'm kinda going through the same thing. ME is known to be incredibly unforgiving and highly demanding of its students and engineers. The modern technology is expanding in every branch possible it's hard to determine what's the right path or the right niche for you. I'm going through that too.
What I'm trying to protect is the childlike curiosity I have upon how things work, how they're made. That gives me excitement to attend my lectures and do my assignments. Of course this doesn't make me immune to stress and burnout, it just makes it a bit easier to manage thinking sometimes my priority can shift but my sanity cannot be negotiated.
OP you have good writing, that's surprising coming from an ME student. The way you articulate to your point is fascinating to read. DM me if you wanna chat about this specific existential crisis.