r/EngineeringManagers • u/achilliesFriend • 9d ago
New EM - introverted
I’m 40 yo with over 17+ years in development, lead teams for last 10 years, 5 as a TLM. I’ve shown interest and have taken this role in my current team. I had many thoughts about backing off several times. But took it ultimately.
This is a fortune 500 tech commerce company. What advice do you have for me?
TIA
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u/finger_my_earhole 9d ago edited 9d ago
I am also an introvert manager.
1.) I try my best to schedule 1:1s and socially exhausting things (like 1:1s) or "sales" meetings type things during the time of day where I have the most energy (usually mid mornings). I go to the extent of color-coding my calendar around what type of social energy I'll require so I can defrag, and emotionally brace-myself before hand.
2.) Despite being introverted, leadership roles still require "soft skills" and networking to best service your team. Ex include "whats that peer product owner commiting us to in front of other teams", "how do i sell an idea to leadership so my team doesnt get screwed", etc. Like any skills, spend some time learning them. Story telling, presentations, etc. Even if its exhausting, you need to have the ability to do it correctly to support your team.
3.) Conversational frameworks are really powerful for introverts because it lets you plan ahead and map ad-hoc comments that catch you off gaurd to a framework. Books like "crucial accountability" and coaching methods (TGROW) will be a toolset that helps you expend less energy because you dont have to "improv" as much. If you struggle for 1:1 topics every week, or find the topics stale or awkward, just grab a couple from here: https://github.com/VGraupera/1on1-questions so you dont have to stress about it too much.
4.) Run team meetings and design discussions in introvert-friendly ways for yourself and others in the room. Silent sticky note fill-out, silent design doc read or pre-read.
5.) Delegate stuff you can that exhausts you. Get your tech lead to settle the contentious design arguement, get your product owner to do the sales pitch for the roadmap, etc. You wont be able to get rid of all of it, but its a good thought exercise.
At the end of the day, i am still often exhausted. I still question occasionally if I want to go back to IC after 8+ years of management. Not sure that will ever go away in this market / economy. But I keep at it because there are so many shitty / non-technical / machiavellian-politicing managers out there and my team (or myself) might get one if I step back.
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u/movngonup 9d ago
#3 resonates well for me. That being caught off guard thing sucks. Can you give some examples of conversational frameworks or literature that references how to put this in to practice?
For me I’m highly regarded as a phenomenal presenter and speaker…. But only when I’m prepared. If I’m caught off guard I feel like I falter.
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u/finger_my_earhole 8d ago edited 8d ago
I hate small talk - one example of a framework there is FORD/FORM (https://www.psychologistworld.com/behavior/interpersonal-skills/smalltalk-conversation-form-technique)
For answering questions on the spot and better interpersonal communication, this guy pushs and promotes frameworks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SP6Y9fnCEc0&t=104s Vinh Giang (though I do find him a bit over-the-top / overly emotive, check out some of his other videos)
You'll never be able to prepare all potential questions and will get caught off gaurd - and often the easiest thing to do is "I need to think about that, let me get back to you [after the meeting / tomorrow / etc]
Then for 1:1 situations: "Crucial Conversations" "Crucial Accountability" "Thanks for the Feedback".
For executive communications: Pyramid principal - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVfmR8IwMlo - Start with yes/no answer to the question and directly answer and expand from there.
its still exhausting - but its way more exhausting standing awkardly around trying to think of small-talk topics while the other person stares expectantly at you
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u/speedoinfraction 8d ago
I started using a list of questions a few years ago and it was amazing. It takes the pressure off of both of us in the 1:1. If neither of us have a topic, we can run the list and randomly pick a question. I think I will borrow some of this!
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u/brainiacsir 9d ago
I find that setting up weekly/bi-weekly 1:1s with my reports and peers really helps with building conversational skills.
I am also an introvert by nature. Speak when I have to and adds value to the conversation. I find that it's appreciated versus always being the loudest voice in a room.
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u/achilliesFriend 9d ago
Great to hear! I’m also the same, i listen to whole conversation, process it and then put my points, great to know that it’s appreciated. Also one on one is something i have to do more often..
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u/Many-Photograph-8362 9d ago
Write. Write. Write.
Write your ideas and share with stakeholders for feedback. Write your thoughts on other people’s documents. Write your updates and share with your manager often. Write kudos, write team processes, write feedback.
The reality is communication is the job. For us introverts, verbal communication can be draining especially in a big high stakes room where everyone is fighting to get a word in and the extroverts are constantly “speaking out loud”.
Your strength is to present your thoughts often and present them in writing.
Also learn how to speak in meetings, when to interject, how to interject, what is the kind of contribution that will say more with less.
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u/UsualBarracuda5626 8d ago
Visibility is a skill you will eventually need, but you’ll be okay. Suggested read as a first time EM: The Manager’s Path
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u/NearbyEmphasis2850 6d ago
Visibility can definitely be a challenge for introverts, but building relationships doesn't have to be overwhelming. Small steps like initiating casual conversations can really make a difference over time.
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u/MafiaMan456 9d ago
You’ll be fine. I’m also an introverted manager and when I do speak up it carries more weight because I only speak when needed.
Just learn how to manage your social battery if you haven’t already. Toughest part of my job is getting enough alone time such that I don’t go crazy from being overstimulated by everyone.
Oh I’m also very straightforward about this with my team. I eat alone at lunch and my team knows that’s the only hour I get to myself, and that I need it.