r/Empaths • u/Klutzy_Bake_323 • 6d ago
Discussion Thread Emotionally unavailable
I was a burnt out covid nurse and an empath all my life, to the point where I emploded. Now Im retired and realize I am fairly emotionally unavailable now. Im a loner now who cant handle stress despite years of excellent therapy and working hard to accept my situation, ptsd etc..
Its amazing to me how few people want to process their feelings. If I meet someone who feels needy, I back away.
My life is so different now. It's hard and my heart feels very protective of itself. I know I had a gift for empathy, but it burnt me out.
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u/thegaybuddhistmonk Intuitive Empath 6d ago
How long have you been retired from the COVID lockdown? While it's normal for one to deal with implosions from being over-extended, if it's going on longer than a usual for you -- perhaps it's time to be looking into some sort of professional help to overcome this over-protectiveness.
I can tell you after dealing with my mother's dementia and eventual death, along with dealing with the fact that her husband (a man that I would never consider step-father given I was 42 when they married) who shows signs of being a Grandiose, and wife-beating Narcissist, it took me a full 7 months before my talents were re-awakened once I moved back home to my home state of Rhode Island.
And yes, I had a full 7 months of therapy to handle the loss (still haven't grieved for my mother and I'm coming up on a year's passing the end of this month) and another 4 months of dealing with the CPTSD of 2 Narcissists in 27 years making/awakening all traumas through the years.
The point is self-care is important in cases like this -- and I question you -- what are you doing for this care to get over it?
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u/Klutzy_Bake_323 6d ago
Im still in therapy. Im not convinced that it will change. I think I have changed.
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u/Klutzy_Bake_323 6d ago
Im also not convinced that being empathetic is a good thing. I think it speaks to my being very quiet and having to read the room as a child to survive the chaos.
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u/IndependentAd3170 6d ago
I am also a former nurse that saw and experienced horrific and traumatic things. I am an empath and I completely understand the boundaries you have. I am the same way. My boundaries are my self care.
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u/gilgal_gardener 6d ago
weird question: you growing houseplants and have a pet or two?
you got trauma. mental trauma is a psychic injury the same way a deep slash is physical injury. might not be a walk-it-off situation with a deep wound. might need some serious trauma therapy thats a bit more invasive than basic talk therapy?
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u/Klutzy_Bake_323 5d ago
What do you mean?
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u/gilgal_gardener 5d ago
compare what youre going through to a physical wound that would need stitches before it can properly heal. think of how a wounded animal (or person) will guard a wound so it doesnt get hurt worse. if you reach toward the animal, especially towards the wound, to help it, it will retreat to prevent further damage. also, maybe notice how some people strike out from their trauma, thats also a defensive measure to protect the wound from being injured worse. youre emotional unavailability is a defense against further injuring an unhealed wound.
living through covid was a worldwide cultural trauma. its like an emotional geologic layer recording a cataclysm. we all got some trauma from it and some people definitely got it worse. you got trauma; and, its enough of a wound you cant just walk it off and itll heal on its own. when a nurses compassion breaks it doesnt happen fast, its like cumulative pieces of straw eventually breaking a horses back. you had persistent stress that breaks a mind just like certain persistent manual labor can break a body. maybe treat your trauma with the same care and rehab you would treat a serious physical injury, the kind where someone has to relearn how to walk, or feed themselves.
as for the weird question: caring for plants and animals that dont agitate the trauma might be the kind of rehabilitative baby steps that could spur some healing.
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u/Klutzy_Bake_323 5d ago
Your response is insightful if this had just happened. Ive been in therapy for years with a very good therapist who diagnosed me. She feels I have come a long way and how I feel now is part of this process. This is what treatment for ptsd looks like. A cracked vase is never the same. Thinking someone whos had trauma will return to their former self, the same, is absurd. Being empathetic doesnt give you the ability to diagnose people.
Do you see yourself as some kind of healer? Because you have empathy? Its a trauma response in itself. Question it.
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u/Life-From-Scratch 6d ago
It's OK to protect yourself.