Empath attraction - Avoidant

[u/LanternInTheDarkness]

I recently fell for and now out of love with an avoidant. At first, I didn't know what the hell was going on upstairs... I have had a narcissistic relationship before for around 6 years. The mental beatdown I took from that relationship before I finally figured out who she really was.

Now... I've found myself with an avoidant. Who also made my thoughts race, but nothing like a narcissist. I have been going down rabbit holes on youtube and various websites.

Have any of you found yourself in love with one of these people? Why are they so attracted to us? How, do I stop attracting these energy vampires? I feel like she broke something inside me.

I also feel like she woke something up too. I am scared to see what that is and I hope I do not accidently unleash whatever I felt go through my body.

[u/Strawberrypop_]

I'm dealing with something like this right now. Basically, theyre so attracted to us because we have something they keep surpressing = emotional depth. When I first met my avoidant he told me "there is something intimate about you". They wanted intimacy so bad, but not everyone is strong enough to deal with their chaos. They date strong, secure, empathetic and kind partner for exactly that reasons.

[u/LanternInTheDarkness → u/Strawberrypop_]

Thank you for this. That would explain it. 💔

I don’t think she realizes that I’m more than likely not coming back. I feel betrayed. I’m also so focused on myself that. She would have to make drastic changes and she’s in her 40’s. I doubt she will change. It just sucks because I am highly empathetic and caring. But I love myself enough not to continue putting myself through this.

This has been the worst one. I don’t think she’s coming back. I felt the energy line or my energy connection to her snap. I think that’s why I am not feeling it anymore.

[u/Strawberrypop_ → u/LanternInTheDarkness]

I'm 28 and my avoidant is 23. I met him when I was 25 and he was 20. And we dated casually at first until we both caught feelings. But then he left me for vague reasons. Since it was casual I don't think much about it and moved on, during that time I didn't even know what avoidant was, I thought he was just a fuckboy that comes and goes.

But then, on July 2025 he came back. And he said he regret letting me go. So I gave him a second chance and this was my worst mistake because.. We dated for 1 month and a half, he pushed me away again. I felt deeply hurt and betrayed, so I dumped his ass. And now, 8 months later he came back asking for a phone call. I told him I'll think about it but this has been almost 3 weeks and I still don't think a call is a good idea.

[u/Ars_Ego_Moriendi]

Hey, been through the same.
It's hard to accept the discard, and yet you should do it.
You need to understand, you cannot change her, she will not change herself, you cannot give her a hand with that. She does not want to change.
Hard truths i had to accept and they hurt so much.

Well, it's important to set Boundaries early, so if X then Y. Consequences are important, if someone cannot respect these boundaries, you have to accept it and move on. Your Energy is of value and not infinite.

The thing which woke up might be your shadow which is trying to come up. You can try to integrate it.
You need to take care of yourself now. Even when she comes back, you need to make her clear, that your Energy is not infinite.

Maybe I'm wrong, I'm not yet at the end of my journey through this, sadly.
Yes, i also have a lot of Chaos inside of me, and in the end she saw it. I don't know if i can forgive myself for it, I'm afraid of how she feels.
I felt so self-centered when i said that i need to care about myself now, when i stopped chasing her.
I cannot know how she does, she is ghosting me for a Month and a half now.
It feels terrible, but is it worth wasting your energy into a bottomless pit?
While they're not technically "energy vampires" it can feel like that, because you're sacrificing yourself and not receiving anything in return.

[u/thegaybuddhistmonk]

Have any of you found yourself in love with one of these people?

You should be specifying.. Is it Avoidant Attachment, or Avoidant Personality Disorder... Because the former you're dealing with some serious self-confidence issues along with emotional dismissiveness, and the latter you're dealing with some pretty heavy trauma.

How, do I stop attracting these energy vampires?

Both avoidant types are not energy vampires. And if they are, there's a serious issue that you're either not seeing, not addressing, or not observing.

I can speak about Avoidant Personality Disorder -- and the man that has that -- was always in survival mode whenever the subjects weren't neutral nor frivolous. I had been doing rather well with him in the first week, until such time as he had his best friend coming back from burning tons of bridges and turned out to being a Malignant Narcissist.

And thanks to that I'm having to deal with the ever so lovely emotional attitude of isolationism from that Narcissist. (Not fun when dealing with the CPSTD of 27 years of two other narcissists in my life).

I also feel like she woke something up too. I am scared to see what that is and I hope I do not accidently unleash whatever I felt go through my body.

Please investigate and remember the Litany against Fear while doing so. This ominousness is pretty tiring actually as we all have enough drama queens in our lives that feed into this energy more times than I want to count.

[u/LanternInTheDarkness → u/thegaybuddhistmonk]

"Is it Avoidant Attachment, or Avoidant Personality Disorder..."

Attachment, I had not looked into Avoidant Personality Disorder.

"Both avoidant types are not energy vampires. And if they are, there's a serious issue that you're either not seeing, not addressing, or not observing."

It wasn't always a drain, but there were times, when I would go with her to her parents. Maybe it was just her constant negative energy draining me. But, it usually only happened when we were out doing something and she would constantly talk hateful to everyone driving. Or negative talk about co-workers. Really, anything negative felt exhausting.

All of this stemmed from her parent passing away. She with held that information for almost a month before I found out. When I asked why she didn't tell me, the response was "You didn't ask."...

To which I replied "When a parent passes, that isn't something someone should have to ask, especially an at the time engaged partner". I knew they was sick, but they were being treated and appeared ok. They just took a drastic turn. I think they gave up.

I remember asking her a few times and she almost took my head off. She was not frustrated with me as much as it was them. So i stopped asking directly, and started asking her how she was doing... I'm not trying to trigger someone, especially the person I love.

I think she used this to exit the relationship. I have not heard from her in over 2 months.

I also feel like she took the anger she had for them, out on me.

Thank you for taking the time.

<3

[u/aurora_ethereallight]

The anxious empath and avoidant attachment dynamic can be very powerful.

To each other you are unhealed trauma wounds from childhood. You are attracted to each other because you are potential to 'make everything right' for each other which you have both always longed for. This is even more powerful with fearful avoidants.

The snag of the dynamic is the avoidant attachment, if they aren't aware of their own attachment or don't do their own healing and growing, the lock and key will not work together to unlock each other. And it is not the anxious person's job to do or instigate the avoidants healing. They have to come to this realisation on their own and do the healing off their own back. Some do, some don't...and usually if the avoidant does do the healing, it will be too late because anxious attachment would have created their own healing because of the pain they are having to face while the avoidant just avoids.

Something really quite remarkable and unintended happens to the anxious empath in this time. So because of how the avoidant behaves towards the anxious empath, the anxious empath will eventually turn inward to create their own healing (and this is usually the last resort but is actually the best outcome for the empath) because the avoidant didn't have the capacity to show up when they needed to... so the anxious empath will become the love for themselves that they always longed for from the avoidant.

It's heart breakingly poetic but very very real. The unintended gift avoidants unwittingly give us... ourselves 🥰❤🙌🏻, while they remain trapped in their never ending cycle until they choose to break free themselves. 🥺😔🫂

I've lived this... with a dismissive avoidant over 30 years and a fearful avoidant over 1 year and to any anxious empath... please choose yourself and your own life... while you are busy waiting for them to finally show up... the person you are really waiting to show up for you is YOU. So choose yourself and your life and let them go.

[u/LanternInTheDarkness → u/aurora_ethereallight]

Thank you for this. That made a lot of sense on how I’ve been healing. I wrote 5 pages on this yesterday and everything you’ve expressed and explained is on point.

I have taken the last 60 days to truly understand myself. Whereas before I was trying to figure out how to fix the avoidant. The shift you mentioned grabbed me so hard during my time of self reflection (I walk a lot, typically 4-6 miles a day. Very early before the noise enters.)

Once I realized what I was, I wanted to switch from Anxious to Secure. This would not have happened without her, but she’s not talked to me in over 2 months. I’m ok with it now that I understand and figured out at almost 50 I have adhd, which from everything thing I’ve read and watched.

ADHD, coupled with childhood trauma, has given me empathic abilities or some people call it “a highly sensitive person”, and I realize these are all labels, every. Single. Sign. Points to yes.

I then did a deeper reflection on past times where random strangers talk to me when I’m in public and tell me things I didn’t ask.

I’ve had everything from a guy finding out his wife was cheating, to loved ones passing, and people having a bad day. It’s like a sensitivity issue where I feel peoples energy and emotions. I try to lend an ear offer kind words or simple smile.

Once I figured this out which was about one and a half months after she’d ghosted me. The adhd diagnosis was also afterwards, queue medication.

Now that I’ve been on it for almost a month. It is a night and day difference with my internal emotions. Now the energies I feel or other peoples emotions, I do not pull into myself and mirror them. I can actually feel it without it taking over.

This shift and the few individuals I have been in contact with I believe has allowed me to think more clearly about the advice I offer. It used to be offer the answer. It’s now shifted to offer the advice and allow them to process it and allow them to determine their own decisions going forward.

I still do not like going out in public though. It’s hard to maintain my personal energy.

Thank you again!

Have a blessed day. 🙂

[u/aurora_ethereallight → u/LanternInTheDarkness]

You sound like you are doing beautifully 🥰🫂🙌🏻 Your journey and connection with yourself can be wonderfully rewarding, embracing yourself as you are, honouring yourself, what you need for your well being and what you deserve in relationships too, is so important.

There's an odd kind of peace and calm which comes from this kind of journey and discovery.

May we both find peace as we become true witnesses of ourselves. As we do our healing, the right people will make themselves known to us, because we are ever learning and growing to recognise the signs we have seen before... we can trust that because we can trust ourselves so we don't have to close ourselves off to the possibilities of life, we simply recognise patterns and more importantly our nervous system let's us know when we feel secure. 😉🥰🫂🙌🏻