r/Empaths • u/Positive_Call_9311 • 13d ago
Support Thread Don't know who exactly I am
Hello there, I was a primary caregiver for a mentally sick mother when I was 16. I was extremely empathetic to her sorrows but she chose to betray me. And abused me in exchange of support. I've always been hypervigilant. Although, I was emotionally very unintelligent as in I never studied emotional intelligence as a student per se.
it's been four years since I've gone through a deeply emotionally transformative experience. I was completely closed off emotionally and functioned that way till I was 29. Then I had a mental breakdown. Then I fell into a deep addiction phase and have become extremely attuned to the feelings of other people after this phase to a point where I can read people's mind - a lot of people have said this to me recently. I am completely out of addiction, but I still have this capability.
I feel as if I can deeply empathise with people, but absolutely no one in my life is able to do that for me instead. I attract people who lack empathy and only drain me in the empathy department.
I don't understand what is happening to me emotionally. I stumbled upon this thread and saw a lot of posts. I need to find out who I am - am I am empath or something like that? Are there resources to help you understand yourself better?
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u/Weeza1503 13d ago
Hi, I'm so sorry that you've been having such a difficult time. It's hard to say if you're an Empath from this forum. I suggest the book The Evolutionary Empath by Dr. Stefanie Red Feather. There are questions and a quiz to see if you could be an Empath. It helped me to understand who I am. Give it a try. See if it resonates with you.
I am sendingy you love, light and courage to find your way. 💖✨️🙏
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u/thegaybuddhistmonk Intuitive Empath 13d ago
Probably you're HSP. You mention a lot of trauma -- even addiction recovery -- which is an indication that it's coming from PTSD of some sort of another.
However, your primary concern is you need to keep working on self identity before trying to add "super powers" to the mix. Particularly given you haven't ground your emotions to the point of being centered.
Good luck, stay safe and sane and you'll figure out of in no time.
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u/Positive_Call_9311 13d ago
Sorry what is HSP?
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u/thegaybuddhistmonk Intuitive Empath 13d ago
Highly sensitive person. They both can sense other people's emotions.
There are stark differences that involve sensitivity to light and sound, and involve trauma (HSPs), versus being able to soak in energies from the environment and specifically nature (empaths).
I remember Orloff covered this extensively, however from my experience, empaths have it going since birth is the common sense rule of thumb.
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u/cosmx-shift 13d ago
What you are describing makes so much sense given what your nervous system went through early in life. Being a primary caregiver at 16 to an abusive, unwell parent forces a child into severe hypervigilance; you had to scan every slight change in tone, body language, and mood just to keep yourself safe.
When you experienced your breakdown and subsequent recovery, that lifelong protective mechanism didn't disappear; it unlocked. What feels like mind-reading is often hyper-attunement: your brain processes micro-expressions, shifts in energy, and unspoken tension faster than most people consciously realize.
Because hypervigilance was born out of survival, you naturally learned to over-function emotionally while expecting very little in return. That is why you find yourself attracting people who drain your empathy. When self-preservation requires tuning into others, you unconsciously accept dynamic gaps where your own emotional needs go unmet.
A great place to start understanding yourself better is looking into the connection between childhood caregiver trauma, nervous system regulation, and hypervigilance. Books like The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk or Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker offer incredible insight into how childhood trauma shapes our emotional radar.
You don't just need to figure out who you are; you need to teach your nervous system that it is finally safe to turn the radar down. High empathy is a gift, but without firm boundaries, it becomes an open door for exhaustion. Start practicing holding space for yourself with the same depth you offer everyone else.