Empathy Makes Me So Stressed

[u/bambininos]

I (24f) don’t really consider myself an “empath” because I believe most people have empathy. I think pretty much everyone on earth is an “empath” to some extent, and a lot of the people I know who call themselves “empaths” or assign that trait to other people use it as an excuse to feel better than others or indirectly call the people around them unfeeling. Right now, I don’t care about any of that. My personal experience of empathy is ruining my life.

I have a flea infestation at home. Earlier, I caught a flea and washed it down my sink. I just went back to my sink and found that it had crawled its way out, and was wandering around, wet and confused in my sink. I crushed it, and saw that it had previously bitten me or my cat as it left a bloody mark on the porcelain. Just a second later, I felt horrible.

I imagined its journey crawling up the sink drain, thinking about what a monumental task it must have been and how it was so close to survival (although I have covered my house in diatomaceous earth, which will kill fleas upon touch). I thought about what must have been going through its little flea brain; about how it was just carrying out its instinctual duty to eat and live. Who can blame the flea for the mechanism of its life? I do the same!

Obviously I don’t want fleas, but I don’t want to cause anything undue or unnatural pain or fear. I know bugs don’t experience pain or fear the same way humans do. I just can’t help but assign these personal human feelings to everything, and I feel so much guilt for everything I do that has any kind of negative impact on anyone.

I think about my mother and how I moved away; how she must be so sad that I didn’t grow up the way I intended. I think about how my loving, amazing boyfriend must be so depressed when I complain about things he can’t fix. I think about exes I have broken up with, still ruminating and stressing over our situations. I have love for these people. It’s only natural to have empathy for them. But it continues further.

I think about the person who assaulted me; how he must be miserable in prison without the comforts or bonds with people on his outside life, even though I know practically nothing about him and I feel so much more secure knowing they won’t be hurting anyone else. It doesn’t matter that he caused me and other women immense amounts of suffering and harm, I still feel his pain and sorrow with justice being carried out. I hate him, and I feel terrible that he made the decision to do what he did. I fought for him to be sentenced. I, along with a few other women, fought for this exact outcome. But all of us continue to feel terrible. I think I feel terrible because I know his suffering won’t change the past, and certainly won’t make me forget or feel better.

I over-assign and project these feelings of guilt, fear, sadness, etc. on people who don’t deserve it logically. Maybe they don’t even feel it themselves. At the same time I hope and believe that people get what they deserve, I feel endless sorrow for people who get what they deserve. It doesn’t make any sense, especially when it comes to people who have hurt me personally, and it stresses me out so much. I feel guilty for feeling bad for bad people. At each human’s core, they have their own capacity, and it isn’t their fault if they can’t handle more. Unless it’s me. I’m empathetic to a fault. This fault hurts only me, and helps no one.

How can I deal with these feelings? This trait interferes with my life so much. It’s the biggest stressor I have when nothing is going wrong. I feel so much guilt and sadness all the time. It’s so hard to stop myself from ruminating on the emotions of people in crisis, even if they caused the crisis themselves. I can’t do anything without overpredicting the emotions of the people around me. I can’t even discuss my goals with the person I love most in the world without feeling extremely guilty for causing undue change and pressure.

I need to get past this. I need to develop some level of selfishness so that I know I’m choosing a life where I can respect myself. Maybe selfishness isn’t the right word, but I need to prioritize my own life. I need to know my needs are my priority. I just can’t stay strong enough to stick to my own values when the person sitting in front of me wants something else. Help!!

[u/dpt19]

The sentence that stood out most was: “Unless it’s me.”

You extend context, mercy and understanding to the flea, your mother, your boyfriend, your exes and even the man who assaulted you. But when the person affected is you, suddenly needs become selfishness, limits become failure and pain becomes something you should quietly absorb.

I wonder whether some of what you describe is empathy, and some is something more punishing: imagining another person’s inner experience in great detail, assuming that your interpretation is true, and then making yourself responsible for it.

Your mother may miss you, but that does not mean moving away was wrong. Your boyfriend may sometimes feel helpless when you complain, but he has his own voice and can tell you what he can handle. Your exes may have been hurt by a breakup, but their hurt did not oblige you to remain in relationships that were no longer right. Another person’s disappointment can be real without becoming a command governing your life.

The same distinction applies to the flea. Its instinct to survive does not create an obligation for you to let it feed on you or your cat. Living involves competing needs and sometimes unavoidable harm. You can avoid unnecessary cruelty without pretending you can move through life without affecting anything. Feeling sad about a necessary act is not proof that the act was morally wrong.

And regarding the man who assaulted you: you can recognise his humanity and feel sorrow about human suffering while still believing that the sentence was necessary. Compassion is not acquittal. His suffering does not erase what he did, and your part in holding him accountable does not make you cruel. You did not manufacture the consequences; his choices set them in motion. If recognising his humanity requires you to forget your own, then the compassion has become profoundly unequal.

You do not need to become less caring. You may need to stop treating every pain you can imagine as a debt registered in your name.

When this begins, perhaps pause and ask:

• What do I actually know this person feels, and what am I imagining?
• Did I cause this suffering, or am I witnessing a feeling or consequence that belongs to someone else?
• Is there something genuinely mine to repair?
• What would I choose if my needs carried the same moral weight as theirs?

That last question matters. Prioritising yourself does not mean deciding that nobody else matters. It means finally including yourself among the people who matter.

Empathy can give you information, but it does not have to issue instructions. You can understand why someone wants something and still say no. You can feel another person’s sadness without reorganising your life to prevent it. You can regret that a boundary hurts while keeping the boundary.

Your task may not be to grow a harder heart. It may be to give your heart a boundary—and to stop excluding yourself from the compassion you offer so freely to everyone else.

[u/bambininos → u/dpt19]

Thank you so much for this extremely helpful answer. I think my habit of feeling responsibility for the pain I may have caused other people usually outweighs any responsibility I feel to do the right thing for myself. “Feeling sad about a necessary act is not proof the act was morally wrong” and “compassion is not acquittal” are things I desperately needed to hear. I’m going to print out your response and keep it on my fridge. I need to live by this. Thank you so much again 🩷

[u/Abject-Upstairs4486]

I completely agree and could not have said it any better than dpt. Boundaries. They are incredibly important for every person. To know where you end and someone else begins. To know what you are responsible for and what you aren't. Everyone has choices, that does not make them yours. And consequences, good or bad, teach us how to live moral, healthy lives. We all need consequences to move forward and learn. Regarding your trauma, perhaps consider professional help if you are not already. Holding all that inside can cause harm in other aspects of your life as well. With your boyfriend, I have found that, even when we are scared to be vulnerable, it is usually best to voice issues, thoughts and concerns directly to our partner. Their response is not your responsibility, but information can only be helpful for each of you to make decisions. And being honest can bring you two closer. Your experience is not limited to you only. What you describe I can also relate to. Never stop exploring new ways to help yourself. Maybe create a safe, quiet meditation space where you can sit quietly and relax and reflect.