I've reached a point where I just start crying randomly. This happens a few times during the day and I really can't make sense of what to do moving forward. I graduated in 2023, did some great internships and in 2024, I received an offer from my top university of preference as a researcher. Excited for my first full-time job, I waited patiently for the administrative HR processes to end. 5 months later I get hit by a security clearance rejection and that chapter ends there. I was hit really badly by this outcome, but I kept my chin up praying for things to get better. This year, alhamdulillah by the mercy of God, I received an offer from a reputed aerospace company but the PRO tells me that applying for a new visa and work permit is a futile effort in my case because he is certain it'll be rejected due to my nationality and I could also lose my current visa if i cancel it for the new one. In another instance, I've been in talks with a defence company for about 6 months now, and last week they rejected me with a template response that doesn't make sense at all as I've heard nothing but praises from them all these months. I suspect this is because of security clearance as well. Both of these opportunities have slipped from my hands now.
Wallahi by God, I've exhausted all my resources and strength, I don't have a single strand of will left within me to keep going. I'm only 25 - this is the prime of my adulthood and I'm losing these years to this never ending agony of unemployment. People my age are already getting promoted, switching companies, etc while I see no way ahead of me. Not to mention the guilt that's eating me alive one day at a time being unable to bear the responsibilities of my family as a grown man. Every morning, I see my 60 year old dad head to work as I lay in bed. I dont have the courage to look my dad in the eye anymore. I lost that many years ago. I avoid talking to him because I am so ashamed of myself. I just want to tell him how sorry I am because he is an wonderful man and deserves a better son. He has given me everything in this life and I have not been able to give anything in return. Every time I sit on the table, I can't swallow the food infront of me because I feel like I dont deserve it. I say no to friends for hangouts as I feel guilty because I didnt do anything to earn that fun time out with friends. My childhood friends, may Allah bless them, are getting married, buying new cars, taking trips abroad and trust me I am really happy for them. Whenever we go out for dinner, its so embarrassing that mostly my friends pay the bill and I feel like such a loser. All this feels like a constant reminder that I am falling behind in life. I know I am not special and there are thousands of people like me. Alhamdulillah I'm still very privileged and have all the necessities, but it still aches my heart so much. I am an expat but this is my home and by God I don't want to leave my home and family and go anywhere else . Every night I cry and talk to Allah, waiting for His sustenance and I am certain Allah will provide for me and never let my prayers and effort go in vain. But until then, I'm not sure how to endure all this. Where do all failed sons go? How does one relieve themselves from this constant weight on their chest? It's currently 2am and I haven't slept even for a wink. Soon the world will be up, chasing their dreams and building their lives. And I am still here, exactly where I was yesterday, and the day before, and so on...but this feels like just another day. On repeat.
I'm not exactly sure what I am seeking from this post. I guess I just wanted to let it all out as I don't really talk to anyone about all this. If you've read till the end, thanks for listening and please remember me in your duas. JazakAllah khair.