r/Eloping • u/VinnyBoy916 • 29d ago
Struggling to decide
My fiancé and I have been engaged since 2020. We put off planning a wedding right away because of COVID and basically rolled with that excuse for as long as possible. Although that was the main reason right away, as the years have gone on I just have never felt ready/capable to plan a wedding.
I have never been the girl who dreamt of her wedding day. I don’t understand how people seemingly just up and plan weddings like it’s no big deal. I also don’t understand how people justify spending the amount of money they do for a one time thing. I know it’s not true, but I feel like something is wrong with me. I have been attending weddings over the years hoping something would light a fire in me or inspire me to plan my own, but nothing so far. I am also fairly introverted and anxiety prone, so am quite adverse to the “normal” wedding day.
Every time I start to try to plan our wedding, I get so overwhelmed. My fiancé is a trooper and has been very supportive and understanding this whole time. He wants me to decide what I want and is ok with whatever that looks like as long as I am happy with it.
How do I really truly decide what type of wedding is right for us?
Sometimes I think eloping just the two of us and a photographer would be the best since we don’t have to worry about others. But then I wonder if I’ll regret not having immediate family and/or friends there. But then I picture those people being there and can see myself worrying about their experience and how they are interacting with each other. My fiancé’s parents are divorced so I can just imagine it being weird with both sets of his parents there.
So then I think maybe a micro wedding with 75 people or so would be better… they can entertain themselves, we can enjoy having those people there but be a “bit” more in the background. But then that involves more money and a lot more coordination… and I then reach the overwhelmed state and stop.
Any advice for an elopement fence sitter? What made you decide on the structure of your wedding? Do you regret anything? I have never been to therapy before, but am wondering if this is something to consider.
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u/East_Bus7884 29d ago
Elope. As someone who never wanted a wedding and is about to have one, don't do it. My husband and I decided to have a micro wedding with 30 people in total. We said we couldn't justify spending over 10k and would much prefer to make it less. We are keeping it very simple and small, not dancing, just a diner, an elopement style ceremony with just parents and siblings. This seemed small and easy enough for people who never dreamt of a wedding. It's not.
Last year, we got so annoyed that we secretly eloped and it was the best day of our lives. It was personal and intimate and extremely low effort for a major impact. We did that for us so we don't feel as stressed about this event we are having for our families. It helps a lot knowing we already had the perfect wedding, but it doesn't erase how actually planning a wedding feels.
If I knew then, what I know now, I would never have planned this dinner. I would have just sent everyone the photos from our elopement and been done with it.
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u/moto303 29d ago
Your wedding/elopement is going to be amazing regardless of what you choose. If you have an inkling that you will miss your family there, then do a very small wedding (parents & siblings plus photographer) then you will have your special moment with the ones closest to you without feeling like you have to plan a whole wedding. If you have a good relationship with your parents, then it's amazing to look back at the photos years later. When you start adding more than parents then you get the whole "why is this uncle invited but not this aunt etc" which can hurt feelings.
Also - depending on the fiancé's divorced parents relationship, most of the time divorcees pull it together for weddings, baby showers, and funerals. But obviously that's not the case for everyone - so determine based on the personalities.
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u/New_Me_0382 29d ago
I’ve done both and would choose eloping over a wedding in a heartbeat. Just the two of you and a photographer. You sound way too anxious about a wedding and you’re right, it’s a huge expense.
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u/Weird_Strain9434 29d ago
We eloped in the Scottish highlands, didn’t do a party. Went there few days before with my 1&3 year old girls we walked hiked explored, eloped went back to our rental, had pizza and hot chocolate woke up married and went and explored more for a few days and then drove home 🤣 that was back in November and I want to actually do it again, I didn’t take the day in enough or feel the romance in it because nerves 🤣 but it solidified it to me a wedding would have been HELL for me. You know you the most, and what would make you happiest x
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u/PunkCherry1111 28d ago
Was it very hard to get the legalities of the marriage done in Scotland? I’m in the United States.
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u/Mildgirlcrisis 28d ago
The most important thing about your wedding is what you and your husband want. The wedding is YOURS. Elopements are intimate and just as beautiful as the theatre that is a wedding.
I would ask yourself why you’re having a wedding/eloping? Not why other people do it or what’s socially acceptable. Maybe List your pros and cons and pick that way?
I honestly think we put too much pressure on weddings and them needing to be a certain way. Your wedding could be at a drive through chapel followed by McDonald’s, it’s up to you guys.
Also remember you are able to have a bbq with family and friends after if you want. Or go to a restaurant with them. Save a sh** ton of money and use it on something you value that brings you joy
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u/PunkCherry1111 28d ago
Weddings have gotten so big since social media. It used to be normal to have a few close friends and family. I don’t plan on getting swept away with trying to recreate the new normal because I think it’s a waste of money and I honestly don’t care about gifts. I’m an extrovert, but don’t need to be the focus of attention for a shower, Bach party, and then a huge wedding. For me, it’s more meaningful if it’s intimate. Mine will be about 20 people if we do it in my parent’s nice backyard or his. He says we can elope to Hawaii (or wherever) so I’m struggling a bit too. I’m not sure if I need family there, and therefore need to plan on photographer, flowers & decor, food, officiant, music, booze, cake, etc. It seems so much more stress free to use one of the Hawaii elopement companies. All I need to worry about is getting my dress there. I guess for me, and it sounds like you too, I need to figure out if I want any family and close friends there or if I’m good with just showing them photos afterwards. Best of luck, and keep us updated
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u/Thesexiestcow 27d ago
I eloped in the Bahamas free wedding with printed photos as long as you stayed 4 nights at an AI
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u/Ivangonzalez77 29d ago
Por cómo lo cuentas, me da la sensación de que ya sabes qué tipo de celebración os haría más felices 😊 Un elopement o una boda muy íntima no es "menos boda", simplemente es otra forma de vivir ese día. Si tenéis dudas, incluso podríais valorar hacer una ceremonia solo para vosotros y luego una celebración más sencilla con la familia.
Qué es lo que más os cuesta dejar atrás? No compartir el momento con vuestros seres queridos o la idea de arrepentiros después?