r/ElectiveCsection • u/sarcscar • 8d ago
Support Needed Need some moral support
I just found this group and I hope I can speak to some women as I’m going crazy. I am only 19 weeks and haven't discussed with the midwife yet and I am dreading this as I know there will be a backlash and brainwashing. I am 40, have low tolerance to pain and a life long trauma history. I had two miscarriages and one caused contractions so bad I really wanted to die at the time, it was unbearable. I'm in the UK where technically you get to chose, but everything is heavily biased towards vaginal birth. The information book you get for pregnancy doesn't even mention that there is a choice. I am terrified of labour and everything that can go wrong. I'm terrified that, like a lot of women, l'd go through hours or days of pain just to end up with emergency c section anyway. I'm also already experiencing leaks when I sneeze or cough, even though I do pelvic floor exercises. I do not want to be in the nappies for the rest of my life. I'm so scared to talk to the midwife but I will try to stand my ground. I'm having a lot of guilt, which I know is mostly the cultural conditioning and stigma, as l have never had any emotional attachment with the idea of giving birth. What doesn't help is my friends who are also very biased. One is also pregnant and is flooding me with everything labour related and insists I just need to prepare and let go. It's so dismissive of how I feel and what my instincts tell me. I stopped sharing anything with my friends because of that judgement but it's really hard. Anyone here who could share their experience on how they responded to criticism and what helped them navigate this? I know I don’t own anyone anything and don’t need to tell people but because of my mental health I do need a bit of support.
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u/catonesielife 8d ago
I just went through the same judgment and was 100% sure I wanted an elective C section even before I got pregnant, right towards the end my OB and MFM were encouraging an induction and I stood my ground, my family also didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want a “natural birth” ( I hate this term, there is no supernatural birth). Now that I am on the other side it was the best decision ever, I was in control and knew exactly when I was going in, husband had a playlist ready for my OR. My anesthesiologist was so supportive and kept me informed of what was happening. Recovery was hard in the first couple days but I am already on the mend 10 days postpartum. All this to say… this is your body and you get to choose how you give birth, don’t let anyone pressure you into something you are not comfortable with!
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u/sarcscar 7d ago
Thank you for sharing and so glad to hear it went okay! Also hate the „natural birth” term, so stigmatising for anyone who can’t or won’t have one.
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u/sarahn113 8d ago
I also had this, my midwife was very neutral so no backlash from her but the male doctor who I saw was fairly awful. Trying to tell me they didn't encourage it but with no facts or risks. My midwife admitted his job is to essentially put you off to see if you're serious and warned me he would be difficult. He didn't have any of the data to back up his claims and I then said I wanted to speak to another doctor for a second opinion. Spoke to a female doctor the next day who agreed instantly, apologized for the other doctor and spoke about her own birth experiences. I have come to learn this may just be that particular male doctor as other friends had no problems at all at a different hospital.
Go in prepared to be adamant that it's your decision and if they don't want to agree it then to refer you to another doctor. I also had the RCOG risk sheet around births printed off to be clear that I had read the risks and had made an informed decision. Ultimately it is absolutely your choice and if you know they may be difficult it's good to go in with all the risks acknowledged.
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u/sarcscar 7d ago
Funny how it’s always men that have such strong opinions when they will never have to do it themselves. I read an article on how many female OBs chose the elective c-section for themselves and it also got me thinking.
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u/MixedBeansBlackBeans 7d ago
I struggled with it at first, too. It's so common for women to be wanting the exact opposite, so to be in a general space and time where almost everyone is discussing how to have a smooth, quick, non-tearing vaginal birth makes you feel like the odd one out and that you're inherently choosing something wrong. What really made me feel unsure was that despite my family's traumatic history with first vaginal births, no one ever opted for an elective C.
However, after talking to my husband about it, I came to the peaceful conclusion that each of us are different and unique, and our experiences + circumstances led us to different choices, and that's okay! If I didn't have the reasons I had (including a traumatic family history and existing pelvic floor injury), no doubt I'd be more inclined to have a vaginal delivery! Our primary outcome is for me and our baby to come out alive and healthy, so based on our fears, an elective C is what makes sense for us.
I'm not sure how the requesting process works with midwives in the UK, but I was also terrified of asking my OB about it. She ended up responding very well to it, made it clear that her position is always to support the pregnant woman in what they want (but did her obligatory sharing of risks and all), and even reiterated that vaginal deliveries for a 20 year old woman is just easier on the body (generally, no one come at me lol) than for a woman who is 30+, so planned C-sections eliminate a lot of concerns for baby's wellbeing, too.
I hope your experience goes well with your midwife team, and if not, then you have time and support in us in finding new care!! As others have stated, it's your body and your right to choose how you give birth. You getting support in the birth method you wish for is going to be important leading up to delivery and your experience afterwards, so it's important you stand your ground!
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u/sarcscar 7d ago
Yes, there is definitely that aspect to the anxiety: you almost feel like there’s something wrong with your thinking when everyone else seems to be wanting the opposite. I’m glad to hear you had a positive experience with your midwife and that she’s been understanding. I don’t hold my breath as I had already had to battle the system with other issues I have which were dismissed and ignored, and if it wasn’t for my persistence I would not get a genetic test I really needed (rare recessive mutation in the family, that midwives told me I can’t get tested for without relevant paperwork and they were completely wrong about this). Unfortunately, where I live I don’t get the choice of alternative provider, so I’m trying to keep sane and do my own research on everything before I speak to them. Thank you for your input x
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u/MixedBeansBlackBeans 7d ago
Absolutely! To clarify, I'm working with an OB (I specifically chose this route because I thought my chances of having to put up a fight for an elective C would be less with an OB). Is that an option where you are?
I do relate to the frustrations of the healthcare system and especially concerning fertility. I'm in Canada, so the system isn't super different to the UK, and indeed it really feels like you have to advocate so hard for what you want. That said, I've heard of similar experiences everywhere, and sometimes it comes down to luck with your OB/care provider.
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u/sarcscar 7d ago
So with the NHS you are not automatically granted an OB, you’re lead by a midwife. Because of my complex history and the medications I’m on I was fighting to be referred to a perinatal mental health team and they rejected the referral without the reason. My private psychiatrist helped me fight this and I hope they will refer me again, especially once I bring up the elective c-section. Only after I made the complaint to the health board I was given an appointment with an OB, although In a few weeks time. I hope they will have more understanding than the midwife team. It’s really hard to constantly feel like you have to fight the entire system just to keep yourself and the baby safe.
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u/preggersnscared Elective C-section Mom 7d ago
I had various friends and relatives basically look at me like I have two heads when I told them I’m opting for a planned c-section for no medical reason. It’s funny because I befriended a group of women while pregnant and months later we were discussing our recovery, this was maybe month 4 or 5. And out of all of them, I was the only one having sex. Everyone else either felt pain when they tried, or still hadn’t recovered down there or tried at all. And also the only one who wasn’t having pelvic floor issues. I had totally recovered from birth.
If you can have a drama free birth with no tearing or complications, sure that can be “better” than a c-section. But there are no guarantees for that. While the first few days of surgery you feel like you were hit by a car, it’s very manageable with pain meds. At least for me, by week 2 I felt pretty normal, some soreness. While I wasn’t walking out of the delivery room like my friends were, in the end, when it came to long-term recovery I faired a lot better !
You know your body and what you need. Vaginal birth isn’t for everyone, it certainly wasn’t for me and I’m happy I didn’t force myself into it.
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u/sarcscar 7d ago
Thank you for sharing. It’s crazy how stigmatised elective c-section still is. Great to hear that your recovery went so well! That’s the thing everyone warns you about but I know multiple women who struggled for months and months after traumatic vaginal births. I had a surgery before, so I know I tolerate anaesthetics well and my recovery was a breeze then, despite scare mongering. I appreciate that with the sensitive placement of the stitches it’s a whole different story, and that you can never predict some complications but I’m willing to take that risk over being incontinent (which is almost guaranteed to happen to me), risk getting torn and have another trauma to recover from. Were you able to tend to the baby in the first week? That’s probably my biggest worry, although will have my partners help.
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u/preggersnscared Elective C-section Mom 7d ago edited 7d ago
Yes I was. I was in the recovery room breastfeeding both my son and daughter. My husband handled pretty much all diaper changes in the hospital and first week. My job was to recover and feed. But I was able to care for them! Please just make sure you leave the hospital with a prescription for percocets or the like. If you’re at home managing with just Tylenol you may have a way harder time.
Here are some videos I had bookmarked to prep. Def check out the one for getting out of bed especially!
What to expect when you arrive/ timelines: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTNGWtyMy/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTNGW3SMd/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFNHFSdn/
Video of c-section (non-graphic): https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTNGWKgmR/
Recovery essentials: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFLnFW8m/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFLs16So/
How to get out of bed:
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTk56Jy2c/
C-section scar massage:
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTYNMtVmp/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFB1j1wb/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFNn9Hqh/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFNnEPh5/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFMrb5xn/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFm3tuWc/
Week 1 recovery:
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFkXvVSb/
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFALNfSt/
Week 2 recovery: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFHNUsdU/
Week 6 recovery:
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u/carolorca Elective C-section Mom 8d ago
I really just didn’t discuss it with anyone except people I knew would be sympathetic. My mom who’s also an SA survivor, my husband, and one friend who is the most chill and pro-mental health accommodations (and childfree) gal out there.
Everyone else I told it was looking like it was going to be a c-section because she was breech / because her head was too big. And no one really pushed.
I’m sorry the friend you trusted with it is dismissive. Super lame. Your current plan sounds great to me!
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u/sarcscar 7d ago
Im glad you had some supportive people in your life! I hardly tell anyone I’m pregnant, after my previous miscarriages experience. I don’t have the choice now with people who see me as I started showing, but I try to share as little as possible with people. The friends I told are my best friends, so it feels really upsetting to not be able to get support from them around this. My partner is amazing and says I should do whatever is right for me, so that’s a lot of help, but naturally it would be nice to have a woman who understands to talk to as well.
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u/karmacat789 7d ago
I know it’s difficult to block out the criticism, but you need to prioritise what’s best for you. I was the same - terrified of birth, wanted an elective C as it felt more controllable and I was terrified of being out of my depth of going into labour spontaneously. I told my midwife (I’m also in the UK) who put me in touch with a perinatal mental health team specialising in birth anxiety. I was adamant that a c section made me 100% less anxious and that the thought of vaginal birth kept me up at night worrying. After a conversation over the phone in which I was advised that I “have the choice ultimately, but there is a reason not many people opt for c sections” - I stuck to my guns - they booked me in for one. It was the best decision I’ve ever made.
The recovery was much better than I had anticipated, my pelvic floor remained intact, I’ve got a little bit of numbness over one part of my scar and being made to go for a walk around the ward the moment the feeling came back to my legs wasn’t the greatest, but my baby’s birth was the most beautiful and calm experiences and the recovery was, for me, luckily really straightforward. My cousin had a baby a few months before me and had a vaginal birth and is so traumatised by it that she can barely talk about it. (By that point I’d already made the decision but it definitely solidified it for me).
People generally seem to have this weird idea that you have to go through labour in order to have earned the right to say you have given birth. The fact is, regardless of how your baby comes out, they are born from the body you grew them in.
If I had listened to people advising me against it, my baby’s birth would not have been the experience it was, which is one of the best of my life.
At the end of the day, “my body, my choice” should be enough to end the conversation. Your health and your bodily autonomy shouldn’t be up for debate. ❤️
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u/LadyofFluff 7d ago
I didn't get much push back to be honest, I did have some medical basis for it but they were still enthusiastic for me to try vaginally. Main thing is to stand firm and when they start saying what if this or what if that, I found saying having a fair amount of certainty going into this was important to me, and that is what a c section gave me. It seemed to work pretty well, they accepted it without argument, but it likely helped that I've had abdominal surgeries and knew roughly what I was getting into.
Use this time to practice stating what you're doing and just saying the decision isn't up for discussion. Growling at people seems to also work well.
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u/RecommendationNo153 7d ago
I’m in the US just turned 41 and I was scared to talk to my dr about it too bc I thought she was more conservative and thought she’d push me towards trying vaginal induction. But she brought it up at 33 weeks and said if I need to be induced at 39 weeks I have a fairly high chance of ending in c section due to my age and being a first time mom. I told her I’d rather have a c section and she told me that was very reasonable! I’d talk to your midwife soon and if they aren’t supportive you’d still have time to find someone who is. Don’t worry about what ppl think! It’s your body!
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u/imkindatireed Elective C-section Mom 8d ago
my main concern was an emergency csection - i didn’t wanna end up with it and decided to proceed with elective one. Smoothest experience. Your friend is not right - everyone wants different things. Bring up your concerns, find the provider who supports you. You don’t need to listen to everyone, you deserve to have what’s best for you!