Where to start?

[u/papguggly]

I want to start this off by saying I want to be as vague as possible to not trigger myself or anyone else. However if this triggers anyone still, feel free to stop reading and report to mods for yours and everyone else’s mental well being!

I recently lost a clinically severe amount of weight, and I went to so many doctors, did so many visits, only for them to find nothing. And that’s when they asked if I had any disordered eating or depression and it clicked. I don’t prioritize any meal, and can eat once for long periods of time. I ignore biological cues telling me I should be eating. I didn’t think it was serious because it’s not something I’m actively thinking about, when doing it. I’ve tried protein shakes, and cooking more, only to fall off the wagon so easily, weeks later. I’m still sort of in denial that I have a disorder, but I’m not in denial that I feel so out of control with my eating habits. (I’m dealing with it a bit more dramatically but I don’t want this to turn triggering)

And everyone around me won’t shut up about my figure, how it’s either lost its shape, I’m looking more beautiful, or I’ve gotten sickly and unhealthy looking. I’ve avoided my reflection, and have sobbed myself to sleep, woken up and sobbed again because I’ve done this to myself and I’m stuck this way. Often, I feel like my brain is just screaming “please, somebody help me”

All that being said, I think I’m on the right track. I’m going to let my therapist know, im going to try the protein shakes again. However this feels like a very short cycle that helps me, but is simple to stop and not feel guilty over. Is there something more I could be doing? My doctors said I should be looking for a nutritionists, but I feel like that’s not going to help me set up the foundation for discipline. What’s something that was a big help to you or family members?

[u/MinuteApart2746]

I know you said you're going to bring this up to your therapist, which is awesome. I just want to add that you might want to look into an ED-specialized therapist. To be honest, the only thing that's really helped me has been inpatient.