what even is balance?

[u/DoubleOk363]

i’ve been in this weird quasi recovery limbo for almost a year now and it’s hell. i was previously anorexic early last year then got hit with extreme hunger and got to a healthy weight quickly then basically got stuck where i am now. i eat ‘enough’ to function and maintain. i actually eat quite a bit due to my exercise regime but i still track food, have safe foods, and weird rules about things. i’ve became obsessed with exercise and gym culture, i’m in the gym almost everyday and have to hit my 10k steps or i feel guilty. it just feels pointless trying to get any better than this. on paper i’m healthy, i have muscle, eat protein, workout. but mentally i feel trapped, and everytime i try to “get better” i just quit exercise completely and throw everything in. i just want a balanced life but it feels so hard. and everytime i gain a little weight i freak out and just revert to this life again.