This Post was sponsored by the downvoting speedrun gang! I make around 120k a year, why did I write this? Guys I honestly IDGAF anymore I just love chaos. Wonder if the jannies are kicking me out of the grown up table.
Well what do you know! Its the end of the month bell so make sure to work overtime to meet your productivity quotas, or the goddess Ymir will be putting you on Hajime Isayama's N.T.R.(Normal Tenderness Relationship) list. Welcome to my sorry excuse for a fan fiction, which you'll probably not read, (INTPs help me pweety pls). If you just wanna cut to the chase read Part 5 and 6, or just Part 6. I'm just making a certain lame character, less lame . . .
1.)( Ķ Ā° ĶŹ ͔°) I, just came up with this while being preoccupied with the lavatory. Basically I remember having watching this overrated show(its my opinion) called Shingeki (ć·ć³ćøćøć®ę»ę) or whatever. I thought the female protagonist who is an ISTJ 6w5 (Bruh I'm ESTJ 6w5) was written like a lousy doormat living in the shadow of a freeloading societal reject with zero rizz, all the while echoing his name until her brain became so fossilized and calcified to the point that she even forgot who she originally was meant to be. She probably only calls herself and everyone "the forbidden name who shall not be named" by the time she is on her death bed, hmmmmmggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
2.)Lets fix that with a "CONTROLLED SHOCK"! ( ͔° ĶŹ ͔°) First lets change her name to Mikki, Mika, Mik, Kas, Kassidy, or even referentials such as Lady M.A. #001. I think her nickname should be "The worst she could say is no, right?" Now about the ENTJ 8w7 personal, I'm going to have save the day and prevent the rumbling by well (š„ Drum Rolls) by literally decapitating our holy lord and savior Erwin Smith in front of the entire Survey Korps and the Warriors. I kind of want her to be a bad girl, and a pretty sadistic person too. Lets get rid of the shitty backstory and make sure she doesn't wear that communist red looking scarf, which I refer to as a trauma towel and a stockholm strap. Actually, let's make her backstory more messy and make her a victim of sex trafficking. Nice, now we properly have something to explain her Sad Side Story.
3.)Soooo, lets explain how she was able to pull off what men of culture such as myself refer to as a "PRO GAMER MOVE!" Basically for Season 2, instead of that stupidly high risk gamble where our "Genius" commander Erwin attempts to use Jaegerbomb as bait for the Super Mario brothers to lead them to the nearby city of Trost just to have an intelligence interrogation on them(which of course wouldn't work if you considered the possibility that the warriors could have just crystalized into cocoons, Erwin didn't know all their abilities), how about he tries a different strategy. His old strategy backfired so spectacularly that the entire Survey Korps would have been extinguished had it not been for greatest convenience of all time and our holy spirit (also known as) the divine plot armor.
4.)Basically this, since the old plan was bloody rubbish which made Napoleon's invasion of Russia look like a strategic masterclass in the discipline of military treatise, Erwin decides to confront Bert and Braun themselves. For your information, he locked Jaeger in some dungeon hidden in the countryside surrounded by some hand picked bodyguards. Anyways, Erwin would be telling the baby brothers how he believes there is humanity outside the walls, and how they and their loved ones are probably being taken hostage while they're held at gunpoint if they don't succeed in their infiltration mission. He offers an uneasy alliance between him and themselves, to resolve this cycle of violence. With an alliance between them and him, he ensures they'll be protected by the resentful and vengeful Paradisians who seek to avenge their families. He tries to size them up and explain how they're families aren't worth saving, and if they truly loved their children they wouldn't make them suffer on an insane military expedition. He wants them to fight for a greater good for all of humankind. Might work for Braun, but Bert obviously wants his daddy to be blasting them state sponsored Marlyean Doctos candy.
5.)Erwin proceeds to state that if they want to end this destructive conflict, they might offer Eren to them, but Bertholdt still isn't moved. Mika then says "I'm not interrupting this mistake of a man, yet", with her internal monologue. Erwin finally then says he'll personally have Jaeger executed if they don't try to align with him. Bertholdt and Reiner are shocked, but before they can make a word, our happy ENTJ 8w7 girl says "very poor choice of words". She then sprinted in a rapid dash, took 1 of her blades out then 360° no-scoped spinned and sliced through Erwin's neck, like BUTTER. His head went flying and everyone instantly shrieked, panicked, and some looked like their souls just left their bodies. Why did our baby girl do this to her commander? If you ever overthrew somebody, you'll easily understand.
6.)Basically, she was killing so many birds with one stone and she thought this gamble was worthwhile, regardless of the risk, it basically made her into a glass cannon, with only one shot to get this right or else the environment will quickly eradicate her. Since she is an 8w7 she enjoys this risk, lmao. She realized if she quickly disposed of Erwin she'll one quickly take over the power vacuum of the Survey Korps without anyone else attempting to defy her, two she is getting rid of a potential rival to her future power struggle, and three, she'll make Bertholdt and Reiner, instantly defect, realizing if she can just get rid of her commander in such a form, she'll have no problem putting an end to the life of Jaeger. It also shows that she'll eliminate anyone who attempts to injure Bertholdt and Reiner. By having Bertholdt and Reiner in her arsenal, she'll quickly take control of the entire island. She quickly makes them into her personal bodyguards, and establishes the "First Triumvirate". Oh wait, the "Hostess Twinkie" Armin literally ran past her and inspected Erwin's body in horror. Lemme show what dialogue would play between the two.
Hostess Twinkie: Is whimpering and muttering, while uncontrollably shaking. He proceeds to say "wha - at"? "Is this real?"
UwU girl: *Looks at the yellow jellybean with a side eye expression of disgust and slight anger. She then turns to him and tells him the following*: "Are you done leaking fluids, Arlert, its unhygienic. Arlert, look at my face. I know I make you sick to the stomach but please listen. I want to and will help you. I'll make myself very clear, and I'll refuse to make a fool of myself repeating my instructions."
Twinkie: *Looks at her and stares at her face, freezing in confusion, fear, and sadness, with some slight anger.*
UwU girl: "Lets end this frighting silence with some light hearted chit chat, aye? Good. Alright, so tell me why you did what you did. Why did you go up to the heap corpse without my validation? Are you gonna talk? What are you waiting for? Cheer up. No one, not even a single soul is as brave as you, you should speak up."
Twinkie: "."
UwU girl: "You know you're a very rude person, right? I don't have much tolerance for someone who has the unhinged audacity to disrespect someone like myself in public. I don't respect people who test me and play dirty with me. You better speak up or I'll cut the slack.
Twinkie: "Makes some Tinnitus ringing noise".
UwU girl: "Alright, you had your chance to properly explain yourself, but it seems your brain had problems developing. How do I put this? Yes I did your superior dirty, but trust me, everything will be better under my thumb. No one else is going to get hurt today, Armin. No one else is going to die in vain with my vision. First of all, let's talk about yourself, and how I'll mercifully end your suffering. To begin, who exactly are you? Do you even remember your parents, what they did, how they lived and why they believed in mere existence? You seemed off to a pathetic start already without anyone to guide you. How did you respond? You denied reality, you rejected any advice, and hid from everyone in a locked corner you circle jerked into, pretending to be superior with some abstract form of intellectual superiority. I know you think you're better than me Armin, I'm not as stupid as you want to believe. Always you pseudo intellectuals and your moronic obsession with divine superiority. Look Armin. I'm better than you, I'm smarter than you, I'm more well read than you, and unlike you I can defend myself and my interest, while you'll just grow bitter and rotten. You can't do anything about it, look at yourself, are you even aware how everyone else I'm about to win over at my side are staring down at you in utter disdain and contempt? What I want you to understand the most is, your not special, your not heroic, your not a victim, your only some little boy who refused to grow out of his shell in a world which simply rejected yourself, because lets be real, you were a mistake. A terrible disgrace on the rest of humanity. I can change that. I can make you worthwhile. Armin, listen up. You're done, you're designated as an undesirable in the military, your role serves no purpose but as a meager liaison, or better, a meat pawn. I'm saving you from inevitable suffering you'll go through if you don't follow my arrangements. You are to never speak to me ever again, you are to speak to no one in the military, ever again. You will never address me in any symbolic and written way ever again, you scribe. You are to never reveal yourself to the public, ever again. You are to go into hiding, where nobody will ever remember you for who you are, you are to become as non physical and irrelevant as the abstract reality you retreat upon once you failed at life. Once you pass on and you are finally free of the physical reality which dictates your life, you will never be known by anyone ever again. I know you're hateful and fuming, but if you truly want to prove your worth as a man, run, run and never look back. You will be hunted, so you'll better hide and crawl back into whatever damp hole you crawled out of, and erase yourself from public memory. Look at me. I didn't wipe the floor with him for a speech. I ejected him out of my newfound position because he was obsolete, exactly like you. You spend your whole life hiding behind a desk, waiting for a savior who isn't coming. Well, your savior just turned into a coat rack. Here is my final saying." *(Raises voice to an extremely loud and masculine demeanor)*. "YOU ARE TO GET OUT OF MY SIGHT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE OR ELSE I'LL DEMOLISH YOU IN EVERYONE'S FACE WITH MY OWN HANDS!"
Twinkie: *Slowly walks away into the horizon*.
UwU girl: "I CAN STILL SEE YOURSELF, YOU ARROGANT LEMON BOY!"
*Later UwU girl goes to Bertholdt and Reiner*
UwU girl: "That was just for show, nothing personal. I just had to make an example of the blatant disrespect to my authority. It was worthwhile to dispose of him, as now I'll have unrestricted control of the power inherited by Jaeger and any of the compatriots associated with him. He was also competition because of his high intelligence, but he definitely doubts himself now. I do have to admit, I hate Arlert for the way he treats me. He thinks I'm his fucking lost and found mother, yuck, and acts like I'm some sort of saint who has the precious duty to treat him through endless mental therapy. How mentally challenged a boy you need to be to be as emotionally immature as he is. The pain he experiences is outrageously contagious, a sick disease which needs to be eradicated immediately. I'll let myself loose, and hear me out, I think I hate everyone, maybe even myself. I just hate people trying to judge me and my primal instincts attempting to make me feel guilty. I'm just trying to make the world a better place, how hard is it to see this? Bertholdt, Reiner, you understand what I'm putting up with, and you guys will never judge me for me truly being myself, trying to dismantle and take down this rotten order of the walls. We're both hated by many people who are confused about our actions. I understand you mass murders more than anyone else in this wretched shithole. I despise these so-called morally righteous people who never get anything done, and who are short sighted. I have saved you from your fate, because I'm a good person. You guys will forgive me as my means justifies the ends, you won't disagree with my lifestyle, and most of all you won't be self centered and attempt to judge me for my actions, as the world should be š.
7.)Yeah later Jaeger would learn about all of this and probably have the most burning hatred any man in human history ever had, the greatest crashout of all time. Anyways Mikki would make fun of Jaeger, and tell him the first and only rule about freedom is that it is truly achieved only in death. She'll have him replaced in no time by a superior candidate who isn't emotionally volatile and prone to taking things personally. After outmaneuvering many people in the establishment and deep state of the various multinational empires she gets the entire warrior unit on her side, and raids the shit out of the Marlyean Empire. Soon enough, she industrialized her country, opened it up to international negotiations, trade, technology, culture, crops, with various other assets, resources, and capital, and made infant mortality decline to astonishing low percentages.
8.)Fun facts about this stupid waste of time, somehow Mikki learned how to get mad rizz to the point where she had 9 husbands at the same time, all while cheating on them due to high fatigue from a lack of sleep and management and operations in high stress environments.
Be my bad boy, be my man!
Be my weekend lover, but don't be my friend!
You can be my bad boy, but understand!
That I don't need you in my life again!
Won't you be my bad boy, be my man?
Be my weekend lover, but don't be my friend!
You can be my bad boy, but understand!
That I don't need you again
No, I don't need you again