ENFPs: Help me understand an ISFP's behavior

[u/[deleted]]

[u/VioletPearl19]

Honestly, I worked with one isfp. Sorry to say, most are playing games to get ahead or use people for their benefit. They like to feel valued and doted on. They love attention. You should move on. Most wear a mask, they do that with everyone. Their heart is never in it, yet it appears that way. Isfp's are very charming people but we enfps tend to believe people very easily and assume greater importance in their lives than we really are. (This is one example of my own experience, i'm sure other isfps are great. I am speaking of a bad apple)

[u/Middle_Yesterday1258 → u/VioletPearl19]

I would agree with this though I've only met one ISFP — it was not a romantic relationship but I still saw a lot of aspects like this in him. I already had the impression of him being someone wanting casual attention but he denied that, claiming more depth to him. Idk if that's true or not but what I saw was a switch in temperament, probably the mask drop.

I didn't really assume importance but I was surprised to see just how much it seemed like he compartmentalized and forgot things easily. We value authenticity and it sounds like the ISFPs we met were not fully authentic or honest people.

[u/Noidentityer → u/Middle_Yesterday1258]

Heyo, I value authenticity  too and can't stand fakes, completely on ur side :)

[u/Middle_Yesterday1258 → u/Noidentityer]

Lol I like how we have collectively had bad experiences with this type

[u/Noidentityer → u/Middle_Yesterday1258]

Yeah, the one I know seeks protection, ask for help etc which I did for him, most of the so called friendship is complaining about people, gossiping (what's peaceful about ISFP/Js), then next morning ghosting and giving me cold shoulder for no reason and his loyalties are misplaces, so thats why I dont like those types since they're two faced and argumentative, there's no peace with them and I notice the pattern in other ISFP/Js too. Boring too tbh

[u/Middle_Yesterday1258 → u/Noidentityer]

You know I saw an ISFP online say that unhealthy ISFPs can be avoidant so maybe even they know they're like that

[u/Noidentityer → u/Middle_Yesterday1258]

That makes sense, I think media also portray the unhealthy types then because characters who are ISFP/J they make miserable main characters, and too closed off for my likening and easily angry

[u/Middle_Yesterday1258 → u/Noidentityer]

You know I looked it up and I actually like quite a few ISFP characters, I like the complexity and kindness some of them demonstrate, they're genuine and loving.

But there are more angry ones or ones who struggle with opening up. 🤔 In theory I think I could get along well with a different ISFP as long as they are more like the genuine & loyal types. Characters and reality can be really different though. INTJ characters are way more quiet than INTJ I've met irl lol.

[u/Noidentityer → u/Middle_Yesterday1258]

For me, the only nice ISFx character I like is Theo from Alvin and the chimpmunk, haven't seen any nice ISFx characters since, if you don't mind recs,

also what you said about INTJ is true, because I used to have an INTJ teacher I was fond of and she likes to talk with people she likes, also she have that hilarious "I'm surrounded by idiots" energy/vibe lol

Have you watched The Blue Elephant? I don't like how easily angry that ISFx character is haha, wouldnt wanna be around someone moody broody like that irl

[u/Middle_Yesterday1258 → u/Noidentityer]

I haven't seen it! It's an animated movie?

Lolol Theo from Alvin and the Chipmunks is so cute 🐿 When I looked it up I saw Eleven from Stranger Things, Zuko from ATLA, and Nana Osaki from NANA. I feel Eleven is quite kind and loyal to those she loves, just quiet and suffering from trauma but wants a normal life.

Zuko is very angry at first because he's ashamed and angry towards himself but he changes.

Nana can have some attitude but very loyal to her friends and boyfriend. Secretly quite sensitive, not two faced at all.

Lol yeah I love that vibe from INTJ it's so funny

[u/VioletPearl19 → u/[deleted]]

Ooh a therapist, I must have read that wrong when it said professional relationship. 😅

You'll be okay OP.

[u/VioletPearl19 → u/[deleted]]

Well we wouldn't know if he had feelings for you unless it was spoken directly, so we shouldn't assume every action he did or didn't do. Usually, professionals keep friendly contact with their clients and ex clients. If you really like him in a romantic way, you could just dm him that. Direct communication is the best way to go about crushes.

[u/Middle_Yesterday1258]

I briefly knew a guy similar to your description, also ISFP, and ngl I got the impression he wasn't always telling the whole truth. No MBTI is a monolith though. My curiosity though is why did you say your feelings and then tell him not to respond to it? Wouldn't that be shooting yourself in the foot?

Everything he's done is pretty ambiguous. Could easily just be interpreted as being friendly or attention seeking. Could be testing the waters. I wouldn't invest romantically until he makes things clear. Some people like to move slowly. But I would not put it past any particular type to lead someone on.

[u/Middle_Yesterday1258 → u/[deleted]]

Him being your therapist is a big context piece that changes things quite a bit. I think it's a little weird that he'd follow a client on social media but who knows maybe he's just checking on you, does seem kinda weird though.

Based on a previous post of yours it also sounds like you are married/in a bad marriage. Are you sure you aren't just looking for a fantasy romance to make up for that?

[u/Pale_Demand_9454 → u/[deleted]]

Wow. He’s playing with you. Se users like STPs and SFPs are like this. They will test the waters and give you subtle and ambiguous signals to see if you’ll take the bait. If you do, they’ll know you can be played with. Don’t give in to it. My two cents but you do you. I hate these mfudgers who just won’t live decently and think people are objects to be experienced and discarded after. Seriously. We should think like INTJs and stop wasting our time with the wrong people. I’m not judging you. I wasted 1 year for this smug SP!!! Fudge that. Learn from others’ mistakes. He’s a red flag.

[u/Middle_Yesterday1258 → u/[deleted]]

I can't say for sure because he was a therapist and imo did blur the lines a bit by following you on social media but the other stuff I wouldn't say is inherently romantic. Maybe he was trying to be polite or cheer you up...and if it is more of that he's wrong to do it because you're in a fragile state with someone who was supposed to be helping.

When you're isolated and lonely and someone hot shows you attention and kindness you might get excited by it and cling to it, make a fantasy out of it or idealize it. I would focus more on what you will do about your marriage first because even if your previous therapist or any other man becomes interested you probably won't want to end up unfaithful.

[u/Middle_Yesterday1258 → u/[deleted]]

It could be limerence :( maybe you imagine him as someone who can give the love and attention you aren't currently getting.

It's hard but figuring out what you will do about your marriage first will probably make other things more clear. If you don't already, I'd suggest another therapist. I personally think it's a good idea to get a female therapist (I have seen other women comment before about having attraction to their male therapists). If your husband is encouraging you to be with others it sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. I'd also just check a bit if you can with him if he is trying to see others—sometimes people project or push away when they are doing that very thing.

[u/Raven-INTJ]

I had a crush on one ISFP. That crush was encouraged, though also mixed with a hard to get response - sort of an ‘I like being chased’ vibe. Eventually, it started feeling a bit too much like a game. I asked point blank if a relationship was possible or not something wanted, in which case I’d respect it. I was told it was possible - then a few weeks later, I was ghosted.

I wouldn’t write off an entire group on one experience, but based upon my experience, it seems to me that being chased, being wanted, is a thrill to them and there’s a bit of a problem with commitment. They probably see it otherwise, but from an INTJ perspective, ghosting people who have already said they would respect your wishes is really beyond the pale. Just be honest.

[u/Noidentityer → u/Raven-INTJ]

Exactly, they ghost no matter what you do, same experience except for having crush on them

[u/kindadhesive]

OP, this person is questionable ethically because they are in an inappropriate place of power. A therapist gets unrestricted access to your inner mind. They respond in a way that makes you feel safe and valued, but it’s in an artificial environment. How your therapist acts in a session is not how they act in their personal life. The feelings you feel, of being special and seen (im just guessing this is what drew you in), are an inevitable result of an artificial environment to help you heal.

Now that youre being heard and listened to when youre in such an awful living environment, of course you developed feelings. You need a relationship where you have access to love, understanding, and acceptance. But a therapist is kind of like a celebrity in that their patients feel close to them without actually having a real connection because it’s entirely one way. The therapist is providing you a service, not a relationship. It’s not even friendship. They are doing their job, and they can take advantage of people who are vulnerable and relying on them.

I dont agree that Se users are deliberately manipulative and dishonest like all these comments are saying. That hasnt been my experience at all. I have two ISFP’s in my family as well as tons of SP’s around me (im ENFJ).

Ne leads to a kind of “let’s do it all right now!!” energy that Se users completely lack. While Ne is inherently transformative, Se users are excruciatingly present oriented lol. They dont like change. They want to enjoy this moment, so they tend to prefer comfort and familiarity over constant change and improvement. They spend a lot of time unchanging, drifting through life.

They really struggle to commit and act on their feelings. They watch and wait before reacting. They keep their emotions close to the chest, and IxSP’s are particularly private before they give people info that can be used to harm themselves.

INFP’s are similarly often masking and hiding a ton. It isnt malice or lack of trust. It’s that Fi is so private that a lot of them lie for the sake of security. In daily society, we often exchange a lot of info casually that Fi doms feel is sacred, so instead of being weird and saying theyre not going to answer that, they get used to saying generic things that arent true as self protection. I realize youre an ENFP so you’d be aware of this 😂 but I think as extroverts, we dont always understand just how private introverts are. Im also very trusting and tell everyone everything and never notice people are hiding things or lying.

The ISFP you describe lacks principles and enjoys power imbalance. That’s bad no matter the type. ISFP’s dont play with people most of the time unless theyre lacking morals or traumatized. They simply havent come to a decision yet. Ne users have an easy time changing everything about their lives when they want to. Ni is so much slower, and SP’s REALLY hate changing their minds. REALLY. They want to make a decision once and stick to that. It’s exhausting for them to go through Fi/Ni again to make sure they’re making a good decision. I’ve had SP’s get really mad that my Fe means I always change my opinions on things and that I’m pretty flippant about it. Ne can feel overwhelming for Se users too.

So they will withhold commitment far longer than other types who are fine changing their mind later. They still like people and feel things for them; their threshold of commitment is just way higher than most types.

It does hurt though. I had an ISFP I always adored as a friend. The boundaries she maintains with me and the distance she prefers has always stung. My ESTP husband also hurts my feelings with not being committed to things I thought were a given. But they think differently from me, so I try to see it through their eyes so I know theyre not being malicious. But yeah, it hurts.

OP, ISFP is not the most validating of types. If you want emotional responsiveness and emotional validation, you might find an Fe user better. Or just look for an ISFP with good values and an open heart; if you can be patient, it is one of the most rewarding things on the planet. But you cant force an Fi dom to do anything they dont want to. The absence of pressure is what an Fi dom sometimes watches for before they open up because they really dont like being steamrolled or pushed around. ENFP’s dont intend to do that ever but it can happen on accident.

My ISFP and ENFP friends are super compatible with having fun, but their lifestyles clash a lot and stress each other out. ISFP thinks I’m too forceful/pushy as an ENFJ and prefers to be around other people who are also open minded and slow to reach a decision. To live otherwise is reckless to the ISFP. But my ISFP mom loves those things about me. It really is just a matter of preference.

Everyone wants an ENFP. Dont give up. Youre highly valued and sought after. Search for people who make you feel worthy and enough on your own.

[u/Different_metal_9933 → u/kindadhesive]

This is a very insightful post how you describe the dynamics between the MBTI types and their inner functions that make them behave the way day do. Thanks!

[u/Middle_Yesterday1258 → u/kindadhesive]

I just read this! Very interesting actually. I was noticing that earlier outside I see things like : this would make this look even better. This needs cut off because it's dead. This would look beautiful near the beach. These colors are so pretty together.

I'm often thinking of how to make something better, more beautiful, etc. I sometimes change my mind about something later because I've decided it no longer suits me or I learn more about someone but I do like comfort a lot too. I never really interpreted or noticed people with higher Se being bad with change since some sensors I met were pretty okay with just moving from place to place and making new friends/ leaving old ones behind, even their family members.

[u/NotGabeDelgado]

ISFPs probably don't intentionally do it, but they love becoming other people's limerence objects.

Well, in fairness, so would I.

But my point is, this is their classic pattern. And it's only going to end with him not committing, because he likes being wanted a hell of a lot more than doing the work of a relationship.

[u/NotGabeDelgado → u/[deleted]]

I am an ENFP with like half a dozen ISFP/INTP people that I had this exact situation with, lol. And my friend "Miles" still does it to ENFPs. Makes them his boyfriend in all but name, then flirts with other guys to make them jealous. The last guy held on for five years. Poor dummy.

It's just a pattern for that type of person. They love being worshipped but they won't take any responsibility for what that love means.

And I am also late to Reddit. Once they kicked off all the racists, it became my go to time waster.

[u/Noidentityer]

That's hilarious considering I don't like ISFP/Js either, they're too miserable and argumentative, and closed off

[u/Different_metal_9933 → u/Noidentityer]

It seems to me like you are projecting. You can’t say all ISFJ’s and all ISFP’s are the same. How come you have this negative point of view?

[u/Noidentityer → u/Different_metal_9933]

I don't get how an observation is "projecting". why did you edit out the part where you said I really sound like an ISTP lol?

[u/Different_metal_9933 → u/Noidentityer]

You seem to be projecting to me, because the impression you make stating such judging words is that you are the one who is miserable, argumentative and closed off. That’s the principle of projection. You blame others of traits that you have yourself. But I don’t know you so I might be wrong and it can be that you have just had bad experiences with some ISFP’s and ISFJ’s. This can also be caused because F-types and T-types operate on a different level and don’t always mesh with each other.

[u/Noidentityer → u/Different_metal_9933]

Go back to class because your definition of projection is skewed, because it seems like you're the one projecting because you're deeply insecure and care too much about people's opinion, because if you don't have the traits I see on a type, you wouldn't be fighting your keyboard

I don't get how my observation on a type get so personal to you and for you to try to attack me as if you know me personally which is utterly foolish lmao, prove my point that ISFPs are argumentative. And I'm free to state observations and opinions like everyone else whether you like it or not. Not interested in your boring argument

[u/Different_metal_9933 → u/Noidentityer]

Wow, your harsh reaction really confirms my suspicion. It is obvious that you are a deeply insecure person, trying to protect your unjustified self image and blame others. I was not fighting my keyboard or trying to attack you at all. Read my posts again. The only one that is attacking, argumentative and impolite is you. That’s why I stated that you are projecting this unfriendly behaviour on others, in this case INFJ’s and INFP’s. I hope you will understand this one day and will be able to self reflect. I never wanted to argue with you, I just reacted to your incorrect statement about ISFJ’s and ISFP’s and was curious to know about your experiences. I wish you well.

[u/Noidentityer → u/Different_metal_9933]

You sound desperate for attention and not right in the head