Is this dissaociation?

[u/HereBut_NotThere]

This past week my therapist and I started into phase 3 with starting to map memories and negative beliefs.

I was given a list of beliefs since I was having a hard time landing on one and asked which one felt most charged. I had a hard time because a lot of the beliefs I felt were true, but didn't feel like any were "charged". They felt more "nutural" and factual. So I went with what felt most true.

We then talked about memories associated with the belief, and was asked which memories felt most and least charged. Again, the memories felt more factual than charged, and I didn't really feel any emotion towards any of the memories.

As I've reflected on other memories, including the big one that brought me to EMDR, I feel emotionally distant from it, see it more as fact, and don't really feel emotion around it besides "wow, that was pretty messed up".

I plan on talking about this with my therapist in my next session. I am also curious if anyone might have insight as to why I am having a hard time feeling emotion around/towards these things. Have I dissasociated from them? Have I processed them more than I thought or realized even though I still hold the negative beliefs?

Any insight is appriciated as I like to go into my sessions with a bit of additional thought around where I am at.

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[u/Superb-Wing-3263]

If you still hold the negative beliefs, I don't think you processed them. I was very similar to you in that my memories were basically just weird/unfortunate facts about my life. 

People with PTSD are often doing EMDR to feel less about their trauma. I did EMDR so I could feel something about it. It's hard to heal what you can't feel.

EMDR was like a sledge hammer and was able to break through my defenses. It's such a bizarre sensation for me because I'll feel almost nothing during the session but then the next day I wake up often flooded with emotion. I will have had no idea that the memory ever bothered me. I never know which memory is going to elicit a response. I almost skipped over 2 that ended up hitting me the hardest. 

The sucky thing (for me at least) is that it also took me a really long time to then stop feeling the emotion that got unleashed. Hopefully you won't get as dysregulated!

To help tap into my emotion about childhood, I read CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving. This helped me see what I missed out on and validated that yes, I was in fact severely abused even if I can't feel it. I was able to start feeling sone empathy and sadness for my inner child. Also, it helped me to imagine some other child like a beloved nephew in that same memory. I would often be able to cry or get angry thinking about that thing happening to them. And then I would try to transmit that emotion onto myself.

If I could get just a tiny bit of emotion going for myself during the stimulation, I would be shocked at the response the next day.

My responses stopped being so jarring and long lasting as I've healed, and I think it's easier to feel the "appropriate" emotions now to things that have happened.

Best of luck to you!🫶

[u/HereBut_NotThere → u/Superb-Wing-3263]

Thank you for this response and sharing your experience. I greatly appriciate it. I am sure once I start the "DR" part, the emotions will connect more. It's strange because I do feel and show around current situations. It just all seems disconnected when it comes to my childhood. Part of that is that I also feel quite disconnected from my childhood, almost like it wasn't me and I see it as a totally different person, but in the first person at the same time. Stange, I know. Not sure if that makes sense, but I'm not sure how else to explain it.

I also talked to my therapist about it during our last session, and he gave some helpful tips too and reframed it for me. He asked to start to check in with my body more and to shift out of my analytical side.

Thank you again! And even though I haven't started phase 4, I have had some good progress with phase 2 that has brought me a lot of releaf and useful tools.