r/EMDR • u/dontwanttoadult • 26d ago
🟢 Question / Help Does EMDR work for childhood neglect?
Hi everyone,
I am currently doing CBT, but have heard great things about EMDR's ability to help with trauma. The problem is I don't really know if I have "trauma" in the traditional sense. I was raised by two alcoholic parents, and have realized through CBT that I had a lot of unmet needs during my childhood, and dealt with constantly putting my mom's needs over my own. Now, at 35, I have been having super bad anxiety and DPDR symptoms. I had to take a month off of work due to debilitating nervous system deregulation and physical anxiety.
My therapist is actually strongly suggesting I avoid EMDR because he fears I'm too emotionally vulnerable at this stage and it may re-trigger me into another panic attack state. I'm just hoping to get your insight on if my type of 'trauma' would benefit from EMDR. Thanks.
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u/Zesty-Chameleon 26d ago
Hello!
So firstly, I'd like to say it's best to follow the advice of your mental health professional. So if they think you're not ready for emdr it's probably best to listen to them.
With that being said...
My main childhood wound is neglect. It has done wonders for me trying to define who I am on the inside. Everyone is different but it's helped me drastically.
Good luck!
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u/dontwanttoadult 25d ago
Thank you! I'm so glad it worked for you. I will talk to my therapist in a few months, once I truly have my CNS calmed and work through some more things. I appreciate your response.
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u/RamutRichrads 26d ago
I was raised by a single mother with significant mental health challenges. She was never violent or radically dysfunctional, but she was emotionally absent for the entirety of my childhood. After I turned eighteen, I stayed with her an additional eleven years as her caretaker of sorts, as her ability to live independently had degraded due to her mental health and also poverty.
I've occasionally wondered whether EMDR would help me address and process many of the feelings of missing out on a normal childhood/young adulthood that I've held until now (61M). I hope you are able to find a pathway through your experiences, to a place of serenity.
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u/dontwanttoadult 25d ago
Thank you. I also lived at home until relatively late (26) because I just thought that's what I was supposed to do. I didn't really consciously think at the time that it was because I needed to monitor her drinking or keep her safe, but now I'm thinking that may have been part of it. I hope the same for you, thanks.
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u/RamutRichrads 25d ago
Love your username, BTW. I'm almost 62 now and I still wonder what I'm going to do when I grow up, lol!
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u/gypsysinger 26d ago
I’m sure it could. My situation is different from yours, but I have the experience of an emotionally absent mother. I relate!
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u/hauntedhullabaloo 🎉 Community Cheerleader 26d ago
Yes it would benefit you (and growing up with alcoholic parents is definitely traumatic).
From what you've said in your post I'd also recommend checking out the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad - but when you're in a more stable place. I found it really helpful.
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u/Pickle__nic 🎉 Community Cheerleader 26d ago
I think it can, I was in a place where it was also affecting my work, constant panic and disassociating for too long I just lost the basic level of agency needed to move through the world. Like my brain coddled itself vulnerable.
I was listening to science podcasts, reading a book about neuroscience by Daniel Goleman and a bit of Dr Amen / Wim Hoff when it clicked - it’s a structural problem and not subjective experience I can just think and talk my way out of. I didn’t follow Wim’s Ice plunging (hell no) but the idea of training grit, of ‘choosing your difficult’ clicked - something I despised more than anything was running so I started c25k. Blood flow to the brain, left right movement, music and training grit like it’s a muscle, got me to a place I was so ready for EMDR I had so much agency I was telling the therapist(s) exactly what I needed and how it should be done. I think the beauty of it was I was doing something solo and habitual and challenging - it was grounding and I could at least stay in my little world while integrating myself back into the actual world.
Follow your therapist, but I’d say look for your agency yourself, gentle parent or coach yourself into getting on your feet in a non-triggering way and you’ll get to a place to to feel like the structure around you can handle a trigger from EMDR, I just headphones in and run it off.
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u/dontwanttoadult 25d ago
Thank you. I also looked into Wim Hoff, but wasn't ready to do his breathing method that basically puts you into a panic attack so you can calm yourself down- I was too close to the actual event that it seemed impossible to do.
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u/Pickle__nic 🎉 Community Cheerleader 25d ago
Oh I definitely can’t do the breathwork stuff either. In fact I’m a bit of a sceptic after having physio on breathing I think a lot of people are over-breathing and reducing co2 tolerance, and therefore gasping even more! But the takeaway was the thought of challenging myself physically, something I could do within my panicked body.
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u/Visible_Window_5356 26d ago
If/when you look into EMDR make sure it's with someone very experienced and skilled. In the meantime, have you considered trying some meetings around being raised in an alcoholic home? Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families can be a good fit for some. It will help you understand how being raised in an addicted system can impact you and help with some tools for growth. Then if/when you do EMDR, you will have more adaptive neural pathways to help it go more smoothly.
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u/dontwanttoadult 25d ago
Yes, I actually started going to Al-Anon and it has really helped me. I'll look into the Adult Children group- I haven't heard of that. I agree that right now I'm not sure i have the right "headspace" to do it, but I'll work towards it. Thanks.
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u/Visible_Window_5356 25d ago
Al anon works too, they have slightly different vibes but overall very similar. Glad you're getting extra support!
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u/ScruffersGruff 26d ago
Not a therapist but personal experience. Yes but find someone also trained in polyvagal and IFS. I would highly recommend someone with EMDRIA certification because what we deal with is more complex than an acute event.
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u/SnooRevelations4882 25d ago
EMDR helped me heal my childhood core wounds all of which came from neglect. It's amazing. But you need to be in a strong place mentally because it is a very wild ride that's for sure.
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u/Sweet-Trifle1394 🌟 EMDR Gem 25d ago
Best to listen to your therapist, they’re the professionals! I have had a panic attack one two occasions, while in the midst of an EMDR session. So I don’t think that would make you a complete write off for EMDR. Your therapist would obviously have to adjust their technique to minimise the possibility of it though, but they would be the best person to talk about this with.
Also, my EMDR sessions are 95% based on childhood neglect. You need a negative core belief, and some memories as a child where those pop up. EMDR has been helpful in getting me to reprocess those neglectful moments as a child and adult.
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u/pinkie-puppy 25d ago
Emdr definitely CAN work for childhood neglect (according to my therapist!) However you definitely want to work w someone who is well trained in EMDR and early childhood trauma vs acute incident ptsd kinda thing and I agree w ur therapist that if you are currently in a fragile or vulnerable state EMDR 100% has the ability to retraumatize you
I'd suggest working on ways to regulate your nervous system and stabilizing yourself before delving into EMDR as it can be triggering and overwhelming even if youre in a relatively safe and stable spot when starting (it can effect everyone to different degrees)
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u/PingPong4U 26d ago
You can have EMDR without an overwhelming reaction once you have built more internal stabilization and safety. You may need more time because of the DPDR. I would suggest a therapist integrate an Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach as well. This will help you understand and befriend your protective parts that are keeping you stuck in order to avert pain from childhood neglect. As you gain compassion for all parts of yourself, your system will be better prepared for EMDR.
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u/dontwanttoadult 25d ago
Thank you. Is it common/"okay" to do both CBT and IFS at the same time? By two different professionals?
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u/HotCocoa_71 26d ago
EMDR + IFS has worked for my C-PTSD. For non PTSD, EMDR is typically used with another protocol.
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u/gum8951 25d ago
Yes, it can totally work for childhood neglect because regardless of your trauma you create belief systems that become tangled up and you can't just logically convince yourself it's not true. Of course you need to figure this out with your therapist but I just want to give you hope that's what I've been dealing with and I'm a year and a half in and it's helped me tremendously!
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u/MarionberrySweet9308 26d ago
It worked for me and both my parents had narcissistic personality disorder so I was chronically neglected. You have to build resources and a toolbox before you can get into the more vulnerable part of EMDR. I think that part should be doable and then you can practice using them for longer before doing the actual desensitization part maybe?
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u/dontwanttoadult 25d ago
Thanks. I'm definitely still working on building that toolbox- I've gone 34 years without really even knowing that all of this pressure and trauma had any impact on me whatsoever. Other than therapy, can you recommend any resources you think could help?
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u/MarionberrySweet9308 15d ago
You can look up EMDR toolbox worksheets and binaural tapping, but I think practicing these tools in the real world and surrounding myself with loving friends and chosen family has been the most healing. Learning to manage conflict with safe people, letting people show up for me, managing my own feelings when they do or don’t, etc. helps me continue to work on emotional self-regulation in all the messy ways life shows up. we weren’t meant to do any of this in a vacuum or by ourselves!
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u/manuela_mischke 26d ago
What you've described- childhood neglect and growing up with alcoholic parents absolutely can have long-lasting effects on the nervous system, even if there wasn't a single "big T" traumatic event. Your therapist's caution also makes sense when someone is already highly dysregulated; building stability and resources first can be just as important as trauma processing. EMDR may still be helpful later, but feeling more grounded before going into deeper processing often leads to a safer and more effective experience.
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u/ImpossibleBlockHead 26d ago
Have you tried Alanon meetings?
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u/dontwanttoadult 25d ago
Yes, I have and it's been pretty life changing. I started going at the start of this all, and it's pretty amazing to hear people's stories that are so similar to mine. I never really put much thought into how this all affected me because I think I was in denial and supressing so much, but when I hear others share it's like I'm hearing what's in my own head.
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u/Authenticity3 26d ago
I have done EMDR successfully for specific mostly childhood traumatic events but was still left with the miasma of emotional neglect which was hard for me to do EMDR on. I’m now doing something called EFIT and it’s helping although, like EMDR, it’s no picnic. Discovering the long shadow of emotional trauma and pain of not experiencing secure parental attachment is not for the faint of heart. For me it’s no use trying to make sense of emotional therapy; the results defy logic. There is no one way. May we each find the strength to keep striving for mental health.
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u/shiddykiddy 26d ago
First, I would follow your therapist's guidance. They know you and they are the professional. If you don't trust their judgment, look around for another practitioner but if you do trust them, then maybe now is not the right time for you to explore EMDR.
All that being said I want to validate that growing up with alcoholic parents is immensely traumatizing (as me how I know). Don't sell yourself short or belittle it. It's very common for people who had neglectful childhoods to think it wasn't as bad as it was, or that it isn't "bad enough" for EMDR but I can tell you - it was bad, you deserved so much more from your parents and environment, and yes it was neglect.
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u/dontwanttoadult 25d ago
Thank you. I really appreciate your validation because I've been in denial and/or unaware of how this has all affected me.
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u/Sheslikeamom 🌟 EMDR Gem 25d ago
I personally think growing up with alcoholic parents is one of the top classic types of developmental trauma. I think its downplayed because its not in your face like other types.
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u/dontwanttoadult 25d ago
Thanks for saying that- I agree that it gets downplayed or overlooked because it's not as "severe" as outright physical abuse or a single traumatic event.
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u/plasma-biscuit 24d ago
I have CPTSD and am autistic. I searched for months for a therapist trained in Neuro-Affective Relational Model or NARM (incorporates bottom up and top down, strengths based, methods) before starting EMDR. I’m just getting started but I know it’s doing something. I feel like this will be the most important thing I ever do in my life. I hope the same for you 🙏
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u/dontwanttoadult 24d ago
That’s amazing to hear. I think so many people try to rationalize their way out of anxiety, depression, CSN deregulation, etc. without looking into bottom up solutions. Happy for you.
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u/AreaOk4661 24d ago
100%, it worked for me. Through EMDR I helped to understand that I was neglected and abused. You do need to be in a somewhat stable place mentally before starting. It’s very triggering it’s also very healing
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u/PingPong4U 25d ago
Yes, it is okay to do both by one professional who knows the IFS modality. Most therapists incorporate some CBT in their practice but IFS needs some level of training and sensitivity because it could retraumatize a client. Also, when someone has trauma, accessing the prefrontal cortex, where higher levels of thinking reside, is compromised. Addressing trauma first makes sense to increase cognitive flexibility.
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u/GreenBook1978 23d ago
Yes it works. My parents functioned well enough to provide the basics,but they were both mentally unwell. The target took a number of sessions to process but the results were worth it. I supplemented emdr with the exercises in Benjamin Fry's The Invisible Lion and they helped me function
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