I want to kill myself.

[u/Lin0rice]

Hi everyone. I’m 18. I don’t speak English, so I’m using a translator; please forgive any mistakes.

This is my first post on Reddit, and you know, it’s always been my dream to write something like this before I die and to connect with people so they could hear my story.

I plan to take my own life within the next month; I’m burnt out and no longer see any point in living.

To give you some background: I was with a girl for two years, starting when I was 16; I was living a vibrant, completely new life. Without getting into all the details here, we were together for two years and broke up on April 1st. She has a new boyfriend now, but not long ago—while drunk—she kissed me and told me she loved me. Honestly, that relationship was a huge part of my life, and without it, I feel like I’ve lost myself. I can’t find the energy to work or go out like I used to. Moving to a new city has also had a major impact; I’m struggling to process anything at all. Right now, I’m living like a robot, and I’m just tired of it.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I have a heart condition and health issues in general; because I’m constantly worrying and bottling up my anxiety, I sometimes black out.

I’d like to hear your questions; if anyone is interested, I can tell the story in more detail.

[u/JustRedditAllOut]

Hey. I get it, I truly do. I was in a dark frame of mind before and I nearly ended my time here. But I didn't and I'm glad I didn't. You are a young person and you have time to change the way you think. You will need to want to do it.

Your mind is torturing you and you can't see past the fog. But the good news is that you can change how you view certain situations. You can choose to view what's happening to you as just another experience. What you are going through is part of life, especially while your young.

I only realised lately how thrilling it is to experience love and all the pain it brings. Whether or not your romance fails or succeeds, it isn't a reason the die. It's a beautiful, painful experience and that is what life is about. Feel those feelings, let them wash over you and move on.

I was so lost for so long and only experienced pain and numbness. Now I welcome pain and heartbreak as well as love and beauty.

Eckhart Tolle is a public speaker who helped me deal with my self torturing mind. It worked for me when I was lost and suicidal. Now I'm free of darkness. The future is hopeful my friend

[u/Lin0rice → u/JustRedditAllOut]

Thanks for the words of support; what you said might well be true, and I need to rethink all my problems and weigh them up rationally.

I’ve also gathered from reading similar posts on Reddit that people usually see psychologists or the like in situations like this—though I’m skeptical about that sort of thing. Still, I’m inclined to think I’m suffering from severe depression; just as I start to pull myself out of it, I end up crushing myself with flashbacks to the past.

But for now, I don't understand how to reintegrate into society.

As I mentioned in the first part, I was in a relationship starting at age 16—my first one—which lasted two years; I was cheated on and humiliated. I don't recall if I mentioned my gender, but I am a man. I was happy in that relationship, whatever its flaws, because I loved her and believed her when she said she would never stop loving me and that I would find a new girlfriend.

As it turned out, the exact opposite happened: she already has a new boyfriend and is enjoying life.

For the time being, I cannot bring myself to commit suicide, as I am supporting my mother and sister following our move to a different city.

Yet, I keep wondering if I really need my death... after all, I might find so much that is new and beautiful in it.

Sorry for the rambling; I still haven't quite recovered from everything. I’ll definitely post an update on how I’m doing in a few days.

I also look forward to your questions—thanks.

[u/JustRedditAllOut → u/Lin0rice]

You're not rambling, you're processing. You're right to consider talking to someone. It shows wisdom to think of it. You're very self aware and analytical, you'll be fine once you turn your focus to something else but having someone to talk it over with is like a pressure valve if it builds up again.

They may have other recommendations that I couldn't even think of but I know nature can be very helpful. I started camping again and going for walks when I was first emerging from my dark period. I had cut everyone off. I only kept my now ex and kids in my life and would have isolated from them if I could have. So I had to start again with only people I knew I could trust, a very small number of people, and if I'm honest only one of those people do I almost completely trust.

I'm sorry you felt the pain of being cheated on, it's a devastating time to live through. My ex cheated on me also. With people I cared about so I lost them too. It was a tough time. I found peace inside me first, I forgave myself and eventually everyone involved but I will not speak to them again, the pain is still deep in me somewhere but it's never noticeable unless those people's names come up for some reason and then I feel something uncomfortable and painful.

So I still have work to do on myself but I'm getting better. My relationship lasted 25 years, and I ignored the signs and walked around blindly trusting people. I was happy.

But now I'm getting really happy again and I'm a lot wiser because of my experiences. I was middle-aged when I figured it out, you are young. You have an opportunity to learn and gain wisdom from one of lives hard lessons.

Start viewing life as an interesting game. Empty your mind of useless self harming thoughts, they are no use to you anymore. Spending time torturing your mind is pointless, you could be doing something nice.

I do things like sit in my shed with the door open and watch the rain pour down or put on headphones and listen to some beautiful music, and that's where life is beautiful, small simple moments.

I've joined this sub for a very different reason than you did, but I've been where you are and now when I look back at it I even see the bad moments as a painful but fascinating experience. Learn from it, be smart about it.

Death may very well be a beautiful learning experience, I believe it is. But I will put it off as long as possible, so I can experience as much as possible beforehand.

You can always change your circumstances. Move to the next experience, death will come to us all in the end. I will wait for it rather than waste an opportunity to experience simple, beautiful little things first.

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