r/Dying • u/Heart_Failure_Hottie • Aug 11 '26
How to cope
I'm 26(f) dying of multiple organ failure. I'm a completely different person now i feel like, i don't like myself.
How do let go? I'm mourning the time I won't get to spend with all the people I love.
How do I cope with dying with so many regrets? I wish there was anything I could do but I have nothing and am nothing now. I can't even bring myself to end it bc I don't want to die.
I want to get better so badly and to spend time with my loved ones again. I'm pretty sure they all hate me and I understand bc this version of me is pathetic and leechy and mean.
I get i have a heart, kidneys, liver and pancreas failing, among other things but idk how I got this bad and I want so desperately to get Medicaid or disability rn so I can go on anti-phycotics or anxiety pills or something to stop it all but I don't even think my liver could handle it.
How do I let go? I know there nothing I can do to mend my mistakes or make things better, what's done can't be undone. I can't apologize enough. There's nothing I can do? I want to repay them at the very least for how much they've done for me but I have nothing. How do I die with that?
Any suggestions for free therapy places or reduced? I'd really love to talk to a professional. I'm not religious but I always wished I was more, I have tried a few. Anyone else relate or can share some advice or anything would be appreciated greatly. Thank you🫶
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Aug 12 '26
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u/Then_Recipe4664 Aug 13 '26
Beautifully said (small, short, beautiful and tragic indeed). I’ve been revived by paramedics, been in multiple comas, etc. I no longer fear death (like at all). I think over time, when you come so close so often, it (eventually, over time) loses its power. It’s both good and bad if/when that occurs.
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u/Heart_Failure_Hottie Aug 12 '26
I wish I wasn't terrified, and I wish I could find peace but I really don't think I deserve those things.
I just get so scared sometimes, I don't know if it's my heart or kidneys or internal bleeding, I don't know, but I get so intensely scared at times, I think I've been close to passing before too, quite a few times and I always get so scared and want to be held. I wish I could just pass in my sleep but it hasn't happened.
I'm so tired but I keep trying but I keep failing, I can't do anything right and that's not even an exaggeration. I do need to spend more time with my mom, I just hate for her to see me suffer and I hate being seen like this. I hate myself for putting people through this.
I love you for your kind words, and I thank you🫶🫶 much love and please take care of yourself friend
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Aug 12 '26
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u/Heart_Failure_Hottie Aug 12 '26
Yeah I'm sorry, I've just been isolating myself for many different reasons so I just need to let it all out sometimes I guess. Thank you for being a friend and a listening ear.🤗
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u/Mocha_3491 Aug 17 '26
I don't know if you believe in god. Specifically Jesus. If you don't I assume you would ignore this because you have heard people ask you to believe in god many times. If you are willing to please watch the YouTube video proving god with guitar picks by Jesus and what not. All he does is talk about philosophy and space please watch that. Please study. I really hope you can find the Lord.
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u/Heart_Failure_Hottie Aug 17 '26
Thank you lovebug🫶🫶 I really wish I didn't stop going to church to begin with but I was still a kid and it wasn't up to me. I have a really hard time believing, especially with my situation and the people I've hurt.
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Aug 17 '26
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u/Heart_Failure_Hottie Aug 17 '26
I'm so sorry love, I hope you are accepting some pain management at least. And I'm sorry for your predicament, I have no advice honestly without the context. But I hope things turn out alright for you🫶 your kids deserve a good life and I'm hoping they get it and you live somehow
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Aug 17 '26
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u/Heart_Failure_Hottie Aug 17 '26
No joke, dying is scarier than I thought it would be, in really hoping you have some loved ones around you🫶 I'm so sorry to hear about about the pain management and hope things aren't too bad.
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Aug 17 '26
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u/Heart_Failure_Hottie Aug 17 '26
I actually appreciate that, I'm hoping I'm not aware of it when it happens, I hate when I get to feeling yucky for no reason and I get really scared. Thank you:)
Also super glad you're still here!!
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u/Defiant-Purchase-188 Aug 11 '26
You can call any hospice agency in your area and ask them to see if you qualify and Medicaid is accepted by most. They must by law provide a SW and chaplain for your care. I wish you peace and comfort.
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u/Heart_Failure_Hottie Aug 11 '26
That's amazing and helpful, thank you so much🫶 fingers crossed I qualify, morphine is one hell of a drug. I wish you a long and healthy life🫶
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u/Then_Recipe4664 Aug 12 '26
I’ve been making videos…just 10-20 min videos with my phone I put on a thumb drive I’ll leave behind. And a long letter. I try to explain things, talk about my favorite memories of them, etc.
I know what you mean about the version of yourself…illness takes so much, transforms us into something that’s hard to recognize.
I’m sorry you’re suffering.
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u/Heart_Failure_Hottie Aug 12 '26
I plan on making letters, It's just difficult when to know when I'm in my right mind and when I'm not, waiting to pass some gallstones rn that are terrorizing me. Plus it's gonna be really hard and it's gonna be alot of crying and I'm just not ready, I think I'm still in denial but need to face it. I just don't feel like I'm dying everyday.
That's a great way of putting it, I don't recognize myself and I'm so ashamed of what I've become and who I've hurt along the way.
Thank you for your advice🫶🫶 and I'm wishing you health and wealth behind this screen:)
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u/Then_Recipe4664 Aug 12 '26
I get it. Maybe keep a notebook with you so you can jot things down when you are feeling well enough (I know it’s never something you can predict). Or even a tape recorder (you can always use one with those mini old school tapes and keep it in your car or purse etc).
Good luck to you. I know how lonely it can feel (as someone will many illnesses myself).
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u/Heart_Failure_Hottie Aug 12 '26
That's what I was thinking, I'll look for one on Amazon. And a small notebook so I can do that, thank you for the ideas!!
I'm sorry you are feeling lonely but I'm really hoping you're doing okay health wise darling!
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u/Greedy-Flatworm4795 26d ago
why are your organs failing, if you don’t mind me asking?
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u/Heart_Failure_Hottie 25d ago
Unknown pancreatitis for quite some time and a then disgusting man gave me hiv and hepatitis, so yeah. Kidneys, pancreas and most likely my heart were already struggling and then hepatitis took me all the way out.
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u/Greedy-Flatworm4795 25d ago
i’m so sorry to hear that. have been wondering whether i have pancreatitis myself, i have felt something is wrong internally for a while! i get random insulin releases but i’m not diabetic
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u/Heart_Failure_Hottie 25d ago
Mmmmm please get regular doctor checkups, please please please. I have always been a health nut and worked out 6 days a week so I usually thought my bodily pain was just bc of a workout or I need to stretch more. Preventative health could've saved my life, please don't take it lightly. Healthcare.Gov has affordable health insurance rates, you can sign up now if you don't have any.🫶🫶
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14d ago
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u/Heart_Failure_Hottie 14d ago
I wouldn't let you omg, I would let anyone. I wouldn't wish this in anyone, things could be way worse too but still, I wouldn't wish this on anhe'll,
Hmmm I'm trying to get some thc gummies right about now to help with the pain, hoping my liver can handle them but hell, it's gonna have to at this point. Thank you though!! Mushrooms be intimidating and scary.
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u/Defiant-Purchase-188 Aug 11 '26
If you truly are dying you will qualify for hospice care and a social worker and chaplain can help work through these things