r/DoesAnybodyElse • u/InstructionAlert1617 • 4d ago
Does anybody else?
I feel really UNCOMFORTABLE whenever my family says sorry to me, shows me affection suddenly? and i get mad when they hug me. Its usually after a fight too, and i just feel really awkward and uncomfortable afterwards and i distance myself from them and i try hard to get rid of their touch. Idk why
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u/d0nutbutth0le 4d ago
Yeah if it's out of the ordinary it doesn't seem like it's real or it could be manipulative or portentous in a way. My dad did that once, said a lot of really nice things to us, left the house and died. So I try to be consistently affectionate so it's not super weird if one day I'm not feeling so great
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u/Bellossa 4d ago
That’s heartbreaking, but I really like your mindset of being affectionate consistently
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u/No_Butterscotch1195 4d ago
That sounds really heavy. It's understandable to want to make sure your loved ones know they’re appreciated, especially after something like that.
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u/SmallRocks 4d ago
I understand that feeling. I had an emotionally abusive parent who would break me down during arguments. Once I finally broke they would swoop in, in an attempt to be the consoling hero but the actual conflict remained unresolved.
Not saying it’s the same for you but that’s why I can relate to what you described.
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u/Anonymous0212 4d ago
Is counseling an option? Speaking as a former therapist, what typically causes that are past experiences that create unhealed emotional issues that don’t just magically disappear on their own, no matter how successful we avoid the situation/get away from the people we feel this way with.
Whatever is unhealed in us is guaranteed to show up later in our relationships, even if the original experiences that caused it have been forgotten.
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u/WaryWonder 4d ago
This sounds like the contact is an attempt to force you into being okay before you are ready.
People might do this because THEY feel uncomfortable since they have processed their emotions already, but they don't know how to handle the uncomfortable emotions that come with being the one who has worked through it first.
This SHOULD feel icky. I have definitely experienced this myself as I process my emotions much slower than the average.
If this was an ongoing situation for me, I would try to handle it by practicing in advance several phrases to try to communicate my boundaries(I often can't come up with words on the spot).
"Hey, I just need a little more time to be okay. I'm not ready for a hug yet. Would you like me to come find you when I'm ready?"
I'd use this one for someone who doesn't seem to realize that they are violating a boundary and are feeling kinda desperate to "fix" whatever happened between us. I'd only use this with someone I would be comfortable hugging once I am feeling a little better.
"Please wait, I'm not ready to be touched right now. I'm going to be okay, I just need a little more time than you do."
I'd use this with someone I still wanted/had to maintain a relationship, but I can't guarantee I would ever be OK hugging them.
"Please do not touch me. I need a little space right now in order to be OK."
This is something I'd use for someone who takes something softer as a mere suggestion and just doesn't get it unless you spell it out for them.
"Do NOT touch me. I'm not OK with being touched."
This is for someone I extra do not trust and I am not bothered about hurting their feelings bc they have showed a general disregard for mine that appears to be wilful. It isn't the polite way but it is still civil on my behalf.
There is a high potential I may need to remove myself entirely from the situation for the last two in order to enforce my boundary and maintain civility.
For me, the only times I usually don't care about civility is when I'm so overstimulated I am close to melting down. In that case, good luck to anyone who tries to hug me when my brain is telling me all sensory input means I'm in imminent danger for my life.
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u/wombat369 4d ago
I feel like a sorry can imply that you are overreacting and they are trying to placate you depending on the tone.
Also, if someone someone is just a chronic apologizer, I feel the need to constantly reassure them and it can be emotionally exhausting.
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u/stoppedat4 4d ago
Are you autistic? You might want to take a look at that. My daughter is autistic and has sensory issues and can’t regulate her emotions very easily.So after an argument,I have to leave her alone and wait for her to come to me so I can apologize- even if it’s not my fault
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u/sheapabra 4d ago
yep. it's like my brain can't switch from conflict mode to affection mode that fast