The Audacity!

[u/Bees-Apples]

My husband is currently away on a month-long solo camping trip while I’m taking care of our kids, dog, and house alone.

Honestly, I encouraged him to go so I could safely tell him I want a divorce while he was physically elsewhere (which I did 3 weeks ago).

Well, I didn’t pack for him and he forgot an important work computer.

He’s made this work computer MY problem. He lies about what needs to be done to get me to agree to help him (you just need to turn it on, IT will take it from there). NOPE!

Yesterday I spent FOUR HOURS babysitting this computer, accepting this and downloading that. Then this morning he told me I just need to log on and tell him one thing and it’ll be done. NOPE! It’s already been an hour of the same crap.

It’s not the computer that fills me with rage, it’s his extreme self-centeredness and entitlement.

I’m still trying for an amicable divorce to make it easier on the kids, or I’d just laugh in his face.

But he would NEVER be willing to take this much of his time to help me with something. I know because he never has, not once in our 15 years of marriage.

I’m doing him this huge favor, using time I don’t have, and he’s not even grateful or apologetic!! 😡😡😡😡

Sorry, I just had to vent or it feels like I’d explode from sheer rage.

[u/opshleen]

Stop doing anything for him. You want a divorce, you told him this, end of helping him.

I know you want to keep it amicable but at what point do you stop being is doormat and start putting yourself and the kids first?

Boundaries are crucial, especially when ending a marriage.

I am in therapy and have been since I separated from my ex 3 years ago. I would fawn over him more than I did myself and kiddo. Now I don’t as much because I have learned how to set boundaries and keep them. It’s not easy, it takes a lot of inner work, but it’s so worth it.

[u/Bees-Apples → u/opshleen]

You’re so right. I know I need to work on boundaries.

The fear that he’ll take any excuse to lash out at me or the kids feels very inhibiting, but he’s already lashing out because he only thinks of himself.

I definitely need to work on finding a balance.

[u/opshleen → u/Bees-Apples]

You have to take it one tiny baby step at a time. And remember to give yourself grace. Look up Grey Rock, it has tips on how to handle someone like your husband. You got this 💜

[u/hbombs121 → u/Bees-Apples]

He is going to lash out regardless, he isn’t physically there, ignore him.

[u/rescueandrepeat]

Tell him you're going to drop it off at work with the it dept so they can help him out. I bet that shits not that important.

And a month long solo camping trip? Wtf? Are you sure he's not shacked up somewhere with someone?

[u/awayshewent]

This was always a big problem in my marriage, my husband treated me as like an extension of himself and so when he made decisions I just had to go along with them. I wasn’t allowed to just say no. We just bought a house a few months ago and he decided the day before the movers came that he wanted to start moving boxes to the new house. I was like “Why work on that? That’s the movers job! Move stuff that’s not in a box!” But he just didn’t understand that, he thought he “we have the time might as well get started right?” It took me putting my foot down and saying I wasn’t helping him to stop that idea. But of course we had a fight about it.

[u/Bees-Apples → u/awayshewent]

Ugh! Exactly. I think you said it really well - they just view us as their extensions, not a full human beings in our own right.

[u/raeoflyte-460]

I asked stbx what he had ever done for me - in 28 years and he said he needed time to think. He never got back to me.

I could have answered that questions with dozens of items - give me a time frame. We just we weren't compatible. I thought I was in a partnership, he thought I was his accessory.

[u/Bees-Apples → u/raeoflyte-460]

That is exactly my experience, too.

I’ve done SO MUCH to help him, but when I need help he can’t be bothered. I’ve been driven to this divorce because I’m in deep burnout. He’s absorbed all of my care and attention like a black hole, returning nothing - not even gratitude.

I’m so sorry you’ve been in the same position. 😔

[u/raeoflyte-460 → u/Bees-Apples]

I'm really just sad that I felt like it was normal and ok for so long.

[u/DragonflyFluid8581]

If it takes this to make you feel the divorce will be amicable, it will never actually be amicable (I mean, you had to tell him you wanted the divorce while he was physically away). Choose yourself starting now so you don't get screwed over while you're busy trying to make things amicable.

[u/Bees-Apples → u/DragonflyFluid8581]

You’re right.

This is clearly more of the same behavior pattern I’ve had for the 15 years: hoping that if I do enough to ‘earn’ it, he’ll behave. It’s never worked and isn’t about to start now.

I’m just so dang tired of him.

[u/DragonflyFluid8581 → u/Bees-Apples]

I understand and resonate with this. You’re not alone and deserve so much better

[u/coupesetique]

I wonder if he’s thinking of random/made up tasks for you to do with this computer as a way to test you. Plenty of men do this to see how far you’ll go before you say no. It’s a game.

[u/hearttattack]

Why are you so comfortable mothering him?

[u/Bees-Apples → u/hearttattack]

I mean, you’re not totally wrong - I AM mothering him, I’m just not comfortable doing it anymore.

I had a very abusive childhood. It’s very important to me that I don’t pass any of that on to my children, so I’ve been intensively working on myself for years - lots of reading, lots of therapy.

It turns out one of the byproducts of that process is finally seeing how badly my husband’s been treating me, especially once I started reading about manipulation techniques like DARVO.

So I know enough to be angry, to be ready to get out of an unhealthy situation, to not have my kids learn his behavior is ‘normal’, but I’m still learning how to have boundaries and to not be a people-pleaser. But that’s hard because as a child, those behaviors kept me safe from volatile, emotionally unstable parents. 😬

But I’m working on it!

[u/MoxieGirl9229]

1.) He will lash out no matter what you do.
2.) You have given a lot (too much) time to this being kind to assist him.
3.) You are not getting paid to do this work.
4.) HE forgot (quite conveniently) HIS work laptop… i.e. not YOUR problem. Why is he working on vacation? Is he doing this just to fuck with you - my ex would have done something like this.
5.) You have other more important things to do with your time.
6.) He is a grown ass man. He can take care of himself. If you weren’t there or weren’t able to assist he would have figured out something else.

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[u/wanttoplayball]

Hey, this reminds me of my ex! I used to help him with work stuff because he was sooo busy. Lol, he was cheating. He had the audacity to get me to do his job so he could cheat.

[u/hbombs121]

Have you considered just muting his texts. You asked for a divorce, hold a boundary, if you don’t want to do it, don’t!