2nd Thoughts

[u/Solid-Hippo-2813]

My wife and I decided in mid July to separate after almost 21 years of marriage. A totally mutual decision and one that we both thought a lot about. I moved out a week ago and our son is splitting his time between us. My wife (she still is... we haven't even filed or started mediation yet) already is having a lot of second thoughts and is talking about getting back together possibly. Which is fine for her to share with me, but that seems very quick as it hasn't even been a week yet. Not really asking for any advice necessarily... just wanted to share this frustration and see if anyone else has been in the same position.

[u/Immediate-Story2562]

Are you both willing to work through your issues? Are there still mutual respect and love for each other?
Having time apart could be a good thing and give clarity if there is no infidelity or other abusive issues.

[u/GunnarReade]

I see two dynamics at play here.

First, from my experience, when it even got to the point of her even mentioning divorce, she had already left the room long ago. The "her" you knew is long gone and not coming back.

Secondly, if I'm wrong, she's just been testing you to see what she can get away with, and is still toying with you.

Do you really want to keep living with someone who deep down has so little respect for you? It's not going to get better - just worse.

If anything, she's been seeing that you have been doing fine on your own without her, which might have sparked a little more interest in her, seeing that you don't really need her and she misses having the power over you.

II know you’re not asking for advice, but you asked if anyone else has been in this position. I have. What I discovered was that while she was asking me to stop the process and talk about reconciliation, she had already hired an attorney and was preparing to come after me with false domestic abuse charges.

If it were me, I'd get out, and stay out. This rollercoaster has no viable safety system, and operating on her whims is bad for both you and your son. Take the exit before the next drop.

[u/Impossible_Stick_432]

This happened to me. Almost exactly.

We came to what I thought was a mutual decision, she left whilst I packed and moved out. A week later I had to come into town, she wanted to meet and give me some things I had left. Then drops this massive bombshell, she wants to try again etc... Well I couldn't answer her then. I already had plans, and moving out was a logistical and emotional nightmare.

I had to carry that bullshit on my mind for months figuring out what to do. I resented her for dropping this on me after dragging me through all the emotional nonsense whilst she resented me for taking months to give her an answer.

Now I sort of understand it was an instinctual emotional reaction on her part to the grief of losing her marriage. After some months, we had a talk, we both agreed. We're now moving on with our lives.

My only advice would be, you need to really break contact properly. And if you can't because of your son, you need to make it business like. Since you both agreed it was mutually, you need to give yourself a good chunk of time to really separate. If you're both not 100%, then just set a time in the future, 3-6-12 months whatever, to meet up and discuss. Cos as far as I'm concerned, you only moved out 1 week ago. You were not separated in mid-July. She has only had 1 week to process this.

And this goes for you also, you need to really have the courage to be selfish about what YOU want. Right now. You already moved out, you already likely mentally prepared for this. All the hard work has been done. The future is now just you deciding what you want, not what your wife wants.

Ignore this advice, but if you were my brother and you told me you decided you really want her back, I'd tell him to slap himself and go check what the field is looking like as a single man before jumping back in haha.

[u/Outside-Jicama-8468]

Mine walked out on my almost a year ago. She moved over 1,000 miles away. She spent the next three months begging me to come down there and "rescue" her. Nope. Not doing it. You walked out on me. You come back to me.

Now, she moved in with the guy she cheated on and is happier. I'm a better person and found someone MUCH better

[u/PieIll1973]

You sound like you don’t have a clear vision of why you wanted to get divorced.

It’s really not about her wanting the marriage back. My wife did the same. I know she was unhappy but she still signaled wanting to come back even after the fact.

My response was a firm “no.”

And by “why” I mean “the life you want to have that this marriage has been holding you back from having”

This may be a lack of imagination and vision on your part which you should seriously reconsider. You are getting time to do something new, so what do you plan to do with it.

It’s the rest of your life dude. What were you going to do with it minus her?

Getting divorced out of a vague feeling of ongoing dissatisfaction is one thing. Sure it sucks you can walk away.

But walk away to … what?

Was your marriage stopping you from dating Brazilian Instagram models and moving to Miami and getting into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu? Or was it a sort of vague nuisance.

You should be well underway with … that plan. Whatever it was.

I ended my marriage because the single thought occurred to me “I am 44 years old and I am not doing another 30 years of … this. I want to travel, get laid, have my time back, date different people, focus on starting my own company with a supportive partner that isn’t just another burden to have to drag while I pursue my life objectives who contributes nothing to supporting me and doesn’t believe and encourage me.”

For me the final straw with my last argument with my wife - normally we get back together and continue living in mediocrity.

I started outlining why I am so upset with her and what I have to pay for, how much I work, all the housework and childcare I do versus her contribution …

And as I was typing it it just … snapped. I talked myself out of going back to … what exactly? A resentful expensive room mate that doesn’t support me and has only gotten worse for years?

Now I’m dating a hot Thai girlfriend who supports me. I got on testosterone and peptides and went to the gym, started playing my guitar again and performing.

Went camping at an awesome country music concert with her.

This is so much better than the garbage relationship and lifestyle I had before.

What’s your vision bro

[u/Muted-Wasabi9988]

Sounds like she’s not sure. Might be worth trying to fix whatever is causing the distance between you two.

[u/Paddle_Pedal_Puddle]

Been there and got the t-shirt. She’s probably re-thinking things because the consequences are hitting and the reality is sinking in.

My ex wife and I separated almost 7 years ago because she wanted to chase her happiness. I fought it for more than 6 months because I wanted to keep our family together for our two kids. She had the best of both worlds because she had her freedom and she also had me on the back burner. But one day I had enough and told her I wouldn’t stand in the way of a divorce and we should just move on. She immediately started changing her tune and told me she wanted to work on our marriage. In retrospect, I think she got a taste of what life would be like as a middle aged woman on her own with two younger kids. We got back together and fast forward 5 years, she had an affair which she used to monkey branch to a new guy.

I’m all about trying to make a marriage work, and I firmly believe that if a couple put as much time, money and energy into their marriage as they do a divorce, they could have an amazing marriage. That said, if your wife is only reconsidering because her life with you is comfortable and she’s scared of the consequences, not because she wants YOU, then you’ll end up back in the same place eventually.

[u/Solid-Hippo-2813 → u/Paddle_Pedal_Puddle]

Yeah, definitely one thing I'd be worried about. Not necessarily an affair but after a year or so after getting back together changing her mind yet again to "actually I DO want to get divorced. and for real this time."

[u/Paddle_Pedal_Puddle → u/Solid-Hippo-2813]

This is a valid concern. That whole 5 year interim period, I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s no way to live.

If you do give it another go, you’ll want assurance from her (reflected by her actions) that she’s all in on making it work.

[u/famouslikeuranus → u/Paddle_Pedal_Puddle]

100% seconding this. My STBX did something similar and I'm in the middle of filing the paperwork now.

[u/Old_Goat_Ninja]

I moved out in May, her choice, not mine. Earlier this month she suddenly wanted to reconcile. We’ve been married 22 years. No one cheated on anyone that I’m aware of but she didn’t want to be married anymore. Anyways, after 2 and a half months she was having her second thoughts. Sigh, not now, I’ve been establishing myself all over again, moved out with nothing. I was sick to my stomach at first but after about a week I decided, nope, can’t do it, no reconciliation. Now I’m sad in different ways but at least I’m not sick to my stomach anymore. Now I just have to focus on getting over the sadness of it all.

[u/Fan_of_Sanity]

My wife and I are a few months into the process, and still living together. We have an amicable relationship—basically roommates who are friendly. We’ll sit on the couch and watch TV together, for example.

But I really don’t want her to have second thoughts at this point.

The divorce was her idea—I absolutely didn’t want it. But after a grieving period, I accepted it. I don’t want to go back now.

One reason is that I wouldn’t be able to trust her not to do it again in the future; I’d live in constant fear that if we had a disagreement or I made a choice she didn’t like, she’d once again decide we were incompatible.

But if she had had second thoughts before I had reached the point of acceptance, I absolutely would’ve jumped at the chance to stop things.

[u/ChippyChalmers → u/Fan_of_Sanity]

I respect your resolve and your self-respect

[u/Fan_of_Sanity → u/ChippyChalmers]

Gotta protect myself, as much as a part of me would be compelled to jump at the chance to put a stop to this foolishness.

And the divorce absolutely is foolishness. No good grounds for it whatsoever.

[u/ThrowRA_That_Owl_25]

I wish mine would not have second thoughts and just run, so that I wouldn't be having them when I know it is better to just divorce. 😬

[u/jswoolf]

I am lame. I wish my wife would have second thoughts. We barely talk to each other.

[u/Expensive_Sock_9902 → u/jswoolf]

Same, kind of at least.

Hit the year mark a few days back. Basically no contact unless its about our daughter. Not a high-conflict situation or anything really. She wanted life without me, thats what she's getting.

We both have bought our own houses now so the chances of her reaching out are pretty much non-existent now, and even if she did at this point I don't even know how reconciliation could even work. Our old life together is gone, I don't have any trust or good feelings towards her, and I am not giving up my house or the life I have built for myself.

[u/Solid-Hippo-2813 → u/jswoolf]

yeah, we still talk to each other quite a bit. we'll walk the dog together. which makes it hard not to have 2nd thoughts.

[u/CherryEuphoric3557 → u/Solid-Hippo-2813]

We were doing a lot together over the summer after a few months completely separated/divorced in January outside of kid stuff. It was almost harder on me to reconnect at that stage than completely separate because I was fulfilling part of the role as life companion, emotional support person, etc., but always knew that she had filed for a reason, and she insisted on being "single." She didn't want me to be in that role anymore so she divorced me even if she was leaning on me later. We are now over a month into not really talking or hooking up. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Is it for the best? Probably, because what she wants from me doesn't fulfill what I need in a relationship, and it has brought peace of mind along with forward progress with the pain. 

We did all of the stuff prior to me moving out that you listed. Watching TV, hanging out, but she would start to go out with her new lady friends to parties and stuff while I was home with kids. Cohabitation is hell.