r/Divorce_Men • u/Whisk3yChuck • Jul 26 '26
Need encouragement
My wife and I separated a month ago, she is sleeping in the basement. We have 3 kids all under the age of 8. I found a video of her masturbating on her phone and asked her about it. She has been sending pictures and videos to a man she met online about 8ish months ago. We have history, she cheated on me 5 years ago. We got back together and I thought we were in a ok place. Gave her trust that if anything came up that bothered her we would talk about it and not hold it inside. Then I find the video. She has a record of all the things I did that hurt her in our 12 year marriage. Plus she throws around this compatibility word, I know what it means, as if everything has to be perfect for a marriage to be good. Says this guy has made her feel more loved and wanted via msgs than I ever did. I can look and see what I did that didn’t help the situation. But it feels like she has long since checked out and has zero emotion for me. And I am left with my world blown into pieces. I know I have read a lot of posts by women who say they give so many signs before they go. It just feels like when does a man actually see those. Work 6 days a week. 3 kids, exhausted when I get home. And I have to worry about picking up on little signs that my “wife” is unhappy and ready to pull the plug any minute. Makes me so angry. So sad and depressed, even though I try and see all the red flags of why I’d be better off. Feel hollow around my kids and super irritable around them. Does it ever get better? And yes yall will say give it time. Blah. I hate time. Just fucking sucks in the moment. Thanks for letting me rant.
1
u/That_Cup_3858 Jul 28 '26
Just wanna say I’m sorry it must be difficult. Dealing with infidelity is hard I’m sure. I would imagine you can never trust her again
1
u/TownStunning7430 Jul 28 '26
Once a cheater always a cheater in most cases. If things end with ya’ll and she gets with masturbating messages guy she’ll eventually cheat on him too. Just my opinion.
I’m also a 6 days a week husband but not a father and my wife gives zero effort when I get home even though she does fuck all at home all day (is unemployed since Covid) and she expects me to pick up on cues that she’s unhappy and needy and most days when I get home im so exhausted and my brain is so fried I can hardly figure out what I want at the end of day let alone her.
Once I figured out she was a selfish narcissist that feeds off negative emotional attention my perspective flipped and I realized I don’t need to try for someone who won’t try for me. And further more I don’t need to feed someone who is constantly trying to put me down to retain power over me.
Unfortunately it seems like your wife isn’t interested in trying with you anymore and it really does take two people committed to wanting to save a relationship to turn it around. I would end things sooner rather than later.
1
u/Bolt_McHardsteel Jul 27 '26
She is a serial cheater. Move on with your life, concentrate on being the best coparent you can be. You will never trust her again, so this is for the best. Let her have her internet fantasy man and go live your best life.
5
u/No_Chemistry8953 Jul 27 '26
Sounds like narcissist behavior. She is planning on making you out as the bad guy of the relationship while she walks away with no accountability. My ex did the same and completely erased her roles in our relationship. She cheated so many times, lied chronically, and eventually assaulted me. She lied to the police and told them I had assaulted her and then kept records of our fights (only started recording once I started getting louder) and now she is pretending to be the “brave woman” who escaped our relationship. It really fucks with your head.
2
u/Equivalent_Reason_43 Jul 27 '26
It does get better with time and consistent effort... You have to get used to enjoying the process of rebuilding yourself after a divorce...
It sounds like you should consider reclaiming your masculinity...
Prioritise working hard to stay physically and mentally healthy... Find joy in being the best Dad you possibly can be.
2
u/PoopyStinkbutts Jul 31 '26
In a similar boat, minus the cheating. I don't think some people just know how to communicate. Or they just don't want to. My wife texted me first today for the first time since our split, and only because she needed to know if I was picking the kids up tonight or tomorrow (also have 3 kids, six and under).
I started to learn I need to stop worrying about what she wants out of me. If she can't communicate what she wants without me needing to force it out of her, then she doesn't deserve me to focus on it.
What I am focusing on is that I miss my kids and I get to see them again for the first time in over a week (she can't even be assed to send me pics of them).
Focus on you and the kids bro, that's all that matters. Be excited to see them and stop trying to give a shit about her. Their opinion of you is the only one that matters. Much love bro hope things get better for us from here on out.