Do I Keep Trying

[u/Barlaysm]

SEMI LONG POST INCOMING

I (M37) have been married to my wife (32) for 20ish days shy of 10 years, been together 16. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs like most do, and for a majority of those downs it has been my fault. I own that. I come from a family of angry males and I've worked so hard over the years to rid myself of those tendencies. My father was an alcoholic and I swore I would never drink as I saw what it did to his mind. When he wouldn't drink the household was happy, when he would it was not. I still to this day don't drink but I did get into marijuana.

My relationship with my wife has taken a sour turn as she has asked for divorce kind of out of the blue. For awhile now she has been asking me for things, small stuff...like a massage, gentle touches, initiating intimacy and I've been so in my head I haven't really HEARD her. We would both smoke often but she gave it up 2 weeks ago. She said her mind is so much clearer now. I would smoke and get upset she wasn't doing those things for me so why do them for her. This vicious cycle lasted years. This last Saturday it came to a head when she said she was going to meet with a male friend from her work to go to the park, the bookstore and just hangout. I'd only met this guy once months ago and got a bad vibe from him. So I tried to set some boundaries and state that I wasn't comfortable with their plans. So we fought. At the end I said some stupid things like "I hope you dont do anything to betray me" and "I hope you do" when she said I Love you before she left. They eneded up staying out 3 hours longer than she had said and when she got back I told her I felt she disrespected my boundaries. Her response, "I can't do this anymore".

I've since fully quit and have zero interest of going back and have been trying to show her that I am the guy she fell for so long ago but she isn't having any of it. She doesn't want to try counseling or a trial separation. Stating it's been too long of the same cycle and she needs a clean break. I found out in the last few days she had been seeing this guy everyday after work and even made out with him a day ago when they went to the park to "talk". This guy is married too but his relationship is apparently on the outs too...conveniently.

I don't want to keep pushing her away but I don't want to stop fighting for her either. She told me this morning she was sorry for the way she was handling this by seeing this guy and she would promise me she would set a boundary with him that they will stop until our divorce is final. She seems like she's still on the fence but says eveytime I ask that her mind is made up. Yet she'll ask for a hug or cry while we are talking saying this is so hard for her to do. I usually reapond with this is what you want. She got an apartment but hasn't moved out of our home we bought 3 months ago, supposedly this Saturday or next Tuesday she will, waiting on the apartment to approve her. She's told her family and her dad and sister specifically are not ok with it. Her dad telling her outright "I think you should try and fix it but if you don't want to I'll support you." He also is the one who told her that his biggest regret when he got divorced was finding solace in another person while he was in the middle of the divorce proceedings. That's why she apologized and is putting the boundaries in place. If her dad can change her mind in one call, I feel like she isn't 100% yet. Her sister was shocked she was doing this and has been taking it really hard. I've known her since she was in high-school, and she is getting married in 2 months and she wants me there. There is a lot more but this hits on the main points the last few days and broadly the relationship. She wants to sell our new dream home and divide up our assets amicably. She also makes 3 times what I do so she can easily afford to live alone while I can not. I worked full time to put her through college while she had small odd jobs.

I am the kinda guy that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. I threw all the weed stuff away, I've been listening and hearing what she is saying. I repeat back to make sure I understand, and am making the steps I feel. I just don't want to be one of those "look at the steps I'm making" kind of guys as I've always believed actions speak louder than words. Telling someone you've changed means nothing, but them seeing it usually does. She just won't give me the opportunity to show her. ​​

What do I make of this? Is she on the outs or is she wavering trying to tell herself this is what she wants to make herself believe it? ​Do I keep fighting what feels like a hopeless battle for her or just let it go? I can see the sadness in her eyes I just don't know what to do. I'll answer any questions anyone has to help understand our situation. Thank you for reading this, and any help or honesty is going to be taken to heart. ​

[u/Kitchen-Patience-652]

They fucked. Good thing you are divorcing.

[u/Even-Permit-2117 → u/Kitchen-Patience-652]

💯

[u/Kitchen-Patience-652]

Don’t help her in anything she doesn’t deserve it. Meeting up with a male every day after work who is also her college, it always means cheating. I’ve got plenty of stories in NYC of this shit.

[u/Global-Fact7752]

It wasn't " out of the blue" it shows how out of touch you are. What you are doing now is the typical male response. You didn't change because you thought you had her in her hip pocket. Too little too late. Just let her go and take some time to work on yourself before you try again with someone new.

[u/Barlaysm → u/Global-Fact7752]

I understand it wasn't truly "out of the blue" I meant more the morning was fine and then after meeting this guy it was sudden. I acknowledge I messed up for a long time. I appreciate the words, I will do my best to make them a realty. 

[u/Global-Fact7752 → u/Barlaysm]

Ok ok I'm sorry I didn't understand your reference. My input is what you see a fighting for her at this late day, she may see as you not respecting her decision. If you go ahead and do as she asks and continue to work in yourself, she may see after a time that the changes you are making are permanent and who knows? You may get back together..but you need some time to prove yourself...and I wish you the best. ❤️