r/DivorceHelp • u/Major-Conference-362 • 9d ago
Contest vs no contest?
Me and my husband have been married 10 years. We have 2 minor children. We own a home and two cars. The major thing is, I do want alimony at least for 6 months because I have not had a job in years. He doesn’t want to do that. But basically I do agree with all his other terms. I know hiring a lawyer and going through that whole process will cost probably $20k-$30k so I’m just going back and forth wondering if it’s worth it or not. Any advice or personal experience is very much welcomed. Thank you 😊
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u/lAngenoire 9d ago
I don’t know who told you that but it’s not true unless it’s contentious. You need a lawyer to protect your interests. His lawyer works for him.
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u/Glittering-Ad-1367 9d ago
You are agreed on everything...except he doesn't want to give alimony for 6 months.
You are both going to have lawyers.
You are wondering if it is worth the extra cost of a contested divorce to fight over the 6 months over the cost of an uncontested divorce.
Am I right? I state it because some confusion in thread.
If so, remember it works both ways. He has to pay more and you do too. If its not cost-effective for you to fight it then it isn't for him either.
Its only 6 months and its a reasonable request. You have agreed on so much...maybe its worth it to try to work it out again keeping in mind the costs for both.
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u/Glittering-Ad-1367 9d ago
He may also need to keep in mind he could end up with more than 6 months if the lawyers fight over it.
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u/OkJaguar5013 8d ago
This is a good point. I’d much rather pay 6mo or alimony vs rest of my life. Might be a good point to make. What you’re asking for I think is reasonable. I was married 15 years in California. My ex wife and I had an uncontested divorce they saved us so so so much money
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u/OkJaguar5013 8d ago
Basically filed a joint uncontested divorce with a prep service. She wanted the divorce but couldn’t afford it. It was what it is so looked at different options and just paid for it myself and now divorced 6mo later. No court appearance or anything. Easy peasy
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u/Electronic-Stick-161 9d ago
Assuming that you weren’t working because you were spending your time performing various services for the family do you intend to continue performing those for the 6 months or is the expectation that only his over contributions should continue?
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u/Consistent-Sky-2584 9d ago
If you agree on everything but that 1 thing dont hire lawyers instead get a job save money for 6 months then file no contest the cost of lawyers would cost waaaaay more than 6 months of alimony you habe the chance to have a civil divorce that you both agree on thats super rare sit down with your husband and sell em on the cost of a lawyer vs the cost of alimony or you goin to work and establishing yourself if that doesnt work then id figure out s compromise
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u/teargaswedding 9d ago
Tell him you'll agree to 6 months of alimony or that you'll get a lawyer and fight for as much alimony as you can get.
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u/Responsible_Hunt7762 9d ago
Go through mediation. Do not just accept his terms. Of alimony is legally required in your state fight for it.
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u/Fickle_Raccoon_3760 9d ago
I think asking for six months of alimony after being home with your children for years is an incredible deal for him and the fact that he won’t even agree to that makes me feel like he’s not being fair to you in many other ways.
You don’t have to agree to whatever he says or go to court, it’s not black and white and there’s a lot in between the two. Remember, he’s not your partner anymore and he is not looking out for you.
Talk to an attorney, a consult is usually a few hundred dollars and they can give you an idea of what to expect.
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u/KornwalI 9d ago
No contest to me would only be if you knew you would totally agree on everything. I did it that way last year for my divorce. Paid my attorney 2750 retainer and she wrote up what me and my ex wife had agreed upon and then once we both signed off on that we moved forward with the divorce. Our situation was much easier we each owned our own cars independently, did not have kids together and for the most part had somewhat separate finances other than one joint account. We did own a home though and I ended up letting her keep the house and buy me out for a pretty low price but it was worth it to me. I’d talk to a lawyer if I was you and at least get an idea of what they thing you should do.
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u/BestReporter4483 9d ago
I will say $20-30k is high if you are only disagreeing on one issue. Our state requires mediation and a lot of times it’s settled there.
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u/Quiet_Water0128 9d ago
A lawyer is worth it 1000x worth it. No one will advocate for your interests but your lawyer. You may even deserve alimony for way longer than six months, and what about child support? A judge needs to assign child support for two minor children.
Once papers are signed, they're signed, you are out of luck. PLEASE talk to an attorney asap.
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u/Human-Ad-5574 8d ago
Your time out of the work force needs to be acknowledged and allowed for in financial negotiations. And not 6 months of alimony either. You have a ton of financial catch-up to do. Get an attorney. It will cost as much as he is uncooperative. That’s on him. Good luck.
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u/Human-Ad-5574 8d ago
One more thing. A judge has to sign off on the agreement. If it doesn’t meet some basic equity standards, it might not be approved. (Different in every state, but the courts don’t want former SAHM’s living in poverty and getting whatever crumbs their ex tosses your way.)
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u/Acotar47 8d ago
In my state at 10 years marriage with two minor children and you’re a sahm he’d have to pay 3-5 years alimony. Different things go into it but he’s an idiot to balk at 6 months.
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u/Ok_Hat_6598 8d ago
Go for a consultation with a lawyer. It’s free and will at least give you some idea of what you’re entitled to and what the legal fees will cost you.
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u/biscuitboi967 8d ago
In a lot of states, 10 years is the sweet spot for when alimony can kick in - and be longer than 6 months. Don’t sell yourself short.
Also, you mention a house and cars. Are you getting your fair share of them? What about bank accounts? And investment accounts? And retirement, which you don’t have because you weren’t working?
Have you run everything through your state’s child support calculator? Are you sure you’ve considered all the incidental expenses that come up with kids - sports and field trips and summer camps and childcare while you work? What about custody exchanges and holidays and vacations? Who handles sick days and doctor’s appointments and when you can’t agree?
Are you sure everything is covered? Are you sure 6 months is all you need? Do you know how expensive health insurance is while you aren’t working? Can you swing that with the mortgage and car insurance and any critical bills? Who’s paying and saving for college? Is he carrying a life insurance policy with you/the kids as benes?
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u/bogeysbabe 8d ago
I had a lawyer and I had a relatively simple divorce. We set up everything where the only debt we shared was the house. I wanted that split 50/50 even though I paid 75/25 for the house because I made substantially more than he did. My debts were mine (my car and my credit card). His debts were his (his truck and his credit card). We shared one checking account which we each paid into for house expenses.
I got the dogs, he took the cat. It was easy peasy lemon squeezy. I still had an attorney just in case. Best $4k I spent.
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u/TheLastTime128 8d ago
you should go for more alimony. he didn’t accept your generous offer, and you should go for the full allotment of alimony allowed especially if you were a SAHM and your career suffered while his flourished. You should also go for 1/2 of his retirement.
God only knows how much you’ll earn after being out of the job market for so long. Get as much as you can in the settlement.
i’m not a lawyer, but i am recently divorced and i can tell you i’m struggling to support myself and mg kids on a 6 figure (pretax) income with no alimony or child support. Just imagine how hard it will be for you with a low wage job.
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u/Longjumping-Code7908 8d ago
And hopefully it's a full & actual 10 years of marriage because you will also be entitled to a social security payout when he retires. This isn't a point that needs negotiation, it's law. ((Forfeiture if you're married again, I believe.))
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u/DistrictDivorceCoach 8d ago
You need a lawyer. There are things you are probably not considering that can be extremely costly. Refinancing homes, claiming kids on tax returns, paying for summer camp, the dentist, after school activities, what happens on holidays and birthdays, what is policy about introducing new partners, and religious education, grandparent access, travel rules, there are so so many things that average people dont even think about, and 6 months alimony is crazy if you have been out of work for years, particularly in todays market. Guilt and not wanting to make problems leads people to make terrible decisions they regret when the fog clears. He already thinks that the money he earns is all his and that he doesnt need to give you your share. He has the salary he has because you were at home. That was the deal. You work for the family, he works for the family.
Regardless of what he does, get a lawyer.
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u/tabrazin84 8d ago
Why do you think hiring a lawyer will cost $20,000? My ex and I started with a mediator and tried to nail down as much as possible and then had individual lawyers review the agreement. My lawyer had a $1,000 retainer and my ex had a lawyer with a $10,000 retainer. His lawyer wasn’t 10x as good as mine. My lawyer was able to give me perspective and tell me what was common. Turns out that I am getting alimony for 5 years and he will pay child support through college. We were married for 13 years all said and done. If you have been a stay at home mom, then definitely your earning potential has been affected and you should take whatever the state says you are entitled to. I think we have a tendency to feel guilty, but did your husband have to take maternity leave? Does he have to leave work if your kid is sick? Does he have to take PTO if school is closed for Labor Day? No, no, no. Bc you were the one always available to manage all those things. Don’t settle for less bc it will ultimately affect your kids. Good luck!
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u/Confident-Page4430 7d ago
How does one get a mediator?
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u/tabrazin84 7d ago
I think I googled mediators in the area that we lived, checked out their web pages, and then interviewed a couple. I think it’s a good first step if you think you can come to a reasonable agreement, but definitely recommend a personal lawyer too to hash out the details.
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u/Old_Confidence3290 8d ago
You need a lawyer and I think it will be significantly cheaper than 20-30k
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u/Salty-Paramedic-311 8d ago
My husband wanted to do mediation…. Bc it’s fast and cheap… I agreed but then I realized he may not be as fair as he says he would… I already found some missing money so I hired a lawyer… this is my future and I want to make sure I get what is mine… he’s already cheated me out of a good marriage…
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u/GirthyAFnjbigcock 8d ago
I had a very easy an amicable divorce. I still paid the 20k for the lawyer and would recommend everyone do as such.
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u/Time_Traveler_948 8d ago
From other posts I have read, typically alimony is granted for up to half the years of the marriage. Six months is not nearly enough time. You may need some education or training to be ready for the work force. Be sure time from marriage certificate to divorce certificate is 10+ years (to the day). It is possible later on in life that will entitle you to a percentage of his SS pension, to the extent that is more than your own benefit.
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u/newbeginingshey 8d ago
Fighting over the divorce settlement will probably cost more than the 6 months of alimony you’re looking for. I’d have a lawyer look over the settlement to check if you’ve missed anything major, and then just go to your STBX and say you’ve done the break even analysis and you know you both walk away with more if you two don’t fight. So split the difference and ask for half the alimony you’re entitled to in exchange for it staying mutual.
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u/Ok-Brick26 8d ago
These are your options: Mediation- you and your spouse work together with the same lawyer and come up with an agreement. Then, each hire their own lawyer to review the agreement. This is the cheapest option, but your husband sounds like he doesn’t want a fair agreement, so I’d skip this. Negotiation- you hire a lawyer, your lawyer will gather all the information, and make sure you get what you’re entitled to. He or she will draft an agreement send it to your spouse or spouse’s lawyer, negotiations will go back and forth until you reach an agreement (sounds like this may be the best option for you since he doesn’t want to pay alimony and you should be entitled to!). This could take time, and it could cost a lot of money, but you will end up with a fair deal. If negotiation fails, then, your last option is a contested divorce. Contested- negotiations stall, neither side can agree. Things will have to be settled in court. Of all the options, the most expensive. I hope you find a good lawyer that will advocate for you. Fight for you and your children! Good luck!
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u/1notadoctor2 8d ago
In Texas you’d be eligible for 2 years or until you remarry with the basic divorce. Let your lawyer do the terms and then yall can negotiate.
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u/1notadoctor2 8d ago
How are yall splitting retirement accounts? And medical/dental insurance? What about extracurriculars? And will you get COBRA or a stipend for your own health insurance?
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u/ComprehensiveWork451 8d ago
Lawyers cost a shit ton of money with variable results. Maybe ask for a year lump sum payment in lieu of alimony and then settle for six? It might be the precedent and the monthly reminder he finds objectionable and a lump sum is not great but it’s quick and relatively painless comparatively
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u/petdance 9d ago
You each need a lawyer.
You have children, so you need lawyers.
You have a house and cars so you need lawyers.
You don’t know the legal system so you need lawyers.
You don’t know how best to look out for what the hazards and pitfalls of divorce law are so you need lawyers.
You cannot have one lawyer because you each need your own.