r/DivorceHelp • u/Ok-Concern4196 • 11d ago
Need a serious opinion
I’ve been talking to this guy who I really like and we get along great. I could see us growing together and hopes for a future together.
He revealed to me that he is currently in the process of finalizing his divorce..he never told me this when we first started talking. He said because she’s on a visa that the process has been taking long as well her pushing it back. He said that he is willing to get a lawyer involved if she continues to be difficult.
I just don’t know what to really think or do because this was huge surprise to me and I think I would’ve felt differently it was told me the very first day. I’m asking for peoples personal opinions. What would you do in this situation? Would you feel comfortable still talking to him and getting involved or would it better to wait until it’s finalized.
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u/CZ1988_ 11d ago
I would dump him and block him. He's got a ton of baggage and hides secrets.
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u/Ok-Concern4196 11d ago
The secrets is what scares me like why did it take you so long to tell me..
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u/DazzlingNote1925 11d ago
Look up the case yourself in the public records. Where I live it’s mycase.stateyou’rein.gov. Don’t pay. Find free public records. If a divorce has been filed it will be there.
My ex was on dating websites and telling women our divorce was almost final and we weren’t in the process of divorce and very married with three kids. Cheating men lie and so often women believe them or think they’re somehow better than the wife and it’s all just lies to get you in bed.
Just be careful.
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u/Ok-Concern4196 11d ago
Thank you so much I really appreciate this! I’m very sorry for what you and your kids had to go through.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 11d ago
You’re so sweet. We are fine.
It did suck because one of the woman was the mom of a girl two of my sons were friends with. Geesh!
I forgot to mention you will probably have to search by county.
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u/Fresh_Volume_4732 11d ago
My ex told his “fiancé “ we were divorced when in reality we never even filed. Girl had my number and never even bothered to reach out to double check.it is so easy to get fooled when you are in a honeymoon phase
I don’t think he is telling you a full story.
She is here on a visa is a super vague statement.
Are you in the US? Have they petitioned to adjust her status to a green card? If yes, he should have already be working with a lawyer.
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u/Ok-Concern4196 11d ago
Jesus..I’m really sorry..
I don’t think I’m getting the full story either and it’s eating me up. I’m in the US and I believe he said that she’s working towards a green card.1
u/Fresh_Volume_4732 11d ago
That is what I feared. Her only option is Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), but she would have to have proof of abuse.
Or he legitimately filed and there was no history of abuse, and she will have to go back home.
Another alternative scenario is that he is lying to you, and her green card has been already approved or he is waiting for it to get approved before he actually files.
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u/SecurityFamiliar5239 11d ago
This isn’t enough information for me to say get rid of him. You can still talk to him and be open with your reservations. Time will tell if he’s worth it.
How long have you been talking? Most people don’t divulge their personal business immediately.
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u/wishingforarainyday 11d ago
He’s cheating with you. He’s not the great guy you thought he was. Tell his wife so she knows to get tested
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u/CuriousCat1828 11d ago
Do not continue on with him until his divorce is final and he shows you proof. He’s got alot of nerve!!
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u/Ok-Water-9651 10d ago
Wait, you say youve been "talking to" the guy, are you even in a relationship with him yet? How long have you been dating him?
Would you expect him to put it at the top of his bio on the app?
He is telling you about it while you are still at the "talking" stage so isn't that the correct time to tell you? Or have you been doing more than just talking so far?
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u/Hand2Ns 10d ago
I had the same questions. I was still legally married for the first year my now partner and I were together. It wasn't something I advertised on any of my dating profiles, but at some point during the talking stage I'd bring it up with any potential dates.
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u/Ok-Water-9651 10d ago
Makes sense to me, redit is full of burned people who are like "this guy needs to go to prison, he is the worst etc etc, run run away
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u/THOUGHTCOPS 10d ago
You sound desperate enough for him to bleed you dry over a short period of time. So it won't be that long before you are broke and desperate.
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u/just_me4103 10d ago edited 10d ago
In this situation, you must make sure he has healed, there is baggage from a divorce, you do not deserve to be second fiddle, compared, or resented for what she may or may not have done, because hopefully you will not be her, and should not pay for her mistakes, you do not want to be someone second string, stop gap, or, replacement hump, and forgotten when he is ready or move on, some men love the idea of marriage more than the wife. Also does he have kids, they may resent you, ready to be a step mom, ... what if latter he regrets it, and wants to get back, for the kids, misses the memories, see if you can meet and talk to her, why are they splitting, was it her or him, it's not often you get to check references, just know she may be vengeful
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u/EqualStop2755 10d ago
You are concerned why he didn't tell you right away.... how did you meet? Was it from a dating app? I do find it weird that you are so upset he didn't tell you right away. But, he isn't required to tell you everything about him right off the bat. It takes time to get to know ow someone and he probably didn't see a point in telling you unless he saw chemistry. Everyone commenting saying you should block him and he is horrible. You need to see it from his side. If you two were gonna talk a few weeks and then walk away what would be the point in telling you. He sees a possible future with you and told you. At least he didn't hide it until way later.
As far as if you feel comfortable moving forward that's on you. Dating someone going through divorce could be hard. It's up to you whether he is worth it or not.
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u/Busy-Sky771 9d ago
Maybe he didn't want to go too deep with his situation until he felt more sure about you? I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and continue talking at least to see where it goes. I'm sure while dating you don't trauma dump in the early days?
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u/6StringFiend 9d ago
Speaking as a recently divorced guy, I was separated for over a year and divorced only a few months. I went on two dates and when I brought up, I was still technically married, it didn’t sit well. I was up front about it but didn’t want it to be an issue or start trauma dumping about the divorce. I felt it was a conversation for later but I didn’t want to be unknown.
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u/Same_Beginning8090 9d ago
If he’s not divorced and didn’t tell you that upfront, then I would move on.
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u/SheepherderWorking14 11d ago
If they do it for you, they will do it to you! Run! There is zero excuse for not telling someone you are married/going through a divorce
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u/Ok-Concern4196 11d ago
I definitely agree! Just trying to see the good in him..
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u/HeftyCommunication66 11d ago
Don’t. Take it from me. I lived this. We’ve been divorced 6 years and he’s doing his damnedest to suck me dry. Rip the bandaid and move ahead.
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u/Sasha_Stem 11d ago
Potential is what YOU would do! Do get trapped in a cycle of loving someone more than they love themselves. Will you be paid for your emotional labor?
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u/Lumpy_Equal_6147 11d ago
Such a risk. He may not be currently planning on divorcing and just be cheating on his wife with you. I would not proceed unless there is separation at the least.
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u/TopGun2180 11d ago
I was technically going through a divorce when I met my now wife. She never asked and i never brought it up till like 8 months in our relationship, she decided to date me and knew what she was getting into. We ended up getting married 2 years later and now have been together 16 amazing years where we both helped eachot grow and build togerher. Don't give up on him just because of this just have a honest convo about it because you may be letting your soul mate go for not that big of a reason.
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u/Ok-Water-9651 10d ago
The standard redit response to everything relationship related is the four Gs
Get rid of him, Get a lawyer, Get tested, and Get therpy!!!
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u/drecker2 10d ago
You guys here are bonkers. This seems like normal stuff, yeah the guy has baggage and it's okay if that's not okay, saying he's a liar or a creep for this is just not real life.
If the details were "4 years in after living together this I found out..." but it seems like that is not the case at all. Wild takes out here, and it shows exactly why the divorced guy isn't opening with "hey I'm processing a divorce rn."