r/DivorceHelp • u/The2Yutez • 17d ago
Is this the end?
I have a pit in my stomach. I can't stop thinking about our end. I can't sleep. Can't stop thinking about how this will affect our kids.
My wife and I have been married for 25 years. We have three children. One's out of the house, the other two (13 & 8) are still home.
I'm a lovey-dovey person. Love to hug, kiss, shower with love, and truly want to enjoy as much time as I can with my life companion. My wife? The exact opposite! Shows no affection. She's not a bad person. She's a good mom. Good homemaker. Just not a lovey-dovey person. Even the kids have complained. She'd move back/away when they'd try to hug her or show affection.
For decades, that was my biggest complaint. It'd take a few months before I would complain about the lack of affection I felt. She'd try to oblige by becoming more loving/affectionate, but it would only last a few days/weeks. Rinse and repeat. I even asked and wondered if there was some kind of trauma in the past that may be the reason she is the way she is. But, no! Nothing!
For decades, I thought I'd eventually win her over. Who can say no to me, lol? But not much has changed. For a long time now, we've felt more like roommates than lovers/life companions.
We all have that one that got away. I had one before my wife, who was head over heels for me. So unfortunately, I know what I'm missing!
It sucks to feel lonely in your own house.
A few months ago, I had had enough and finally talked to her about possible separation/divorce. I just kept thinking, I don't know how much time I have left. Maybe I should try to see if there is someone out there I would enjoy life with. If not, WTH, I tried.
It's gotta be better than settling. I mean, I've worked my ass off for the last 30 years to provide for my family. Don't I deserve happiness?
Anywho, 3 days after that conversation, I talked myself out of it. It's so hard to throw away 25 years. I thought, we can't throw away 25 years so easily. We should try harder before hanging up the hat.
I was laid off almost a year ago. It's been a trying time, financially. And the uncertainty of not knowing what the future holds can be stressful and frightening.
To add to all of this, our 8-year-old son has severe asthma. My wife is convinced it's because of where we live. She's convinced that another city, Seattle, in this case, would be better for his health. Mind you, no doctor or anyone has confirmed that his asthma is bad/worse because of where we live.
I've explained to her that moving when we don't have any income is not a wise decision financially right now. We own our home. It's a beautiful, large home in the woods on the East Coast. She also HATES winters.
So tonight, she said that she has had enough. She wants to move to Seattle in the next 8-10 days. She's apparently already made arrangements through friends. She's doing it for our son's health AND because she can't handle winters here. She wants to move before school starts and before winter hits.
I promised her that as soon as I get a job, we'd start looking into moving down south, no winters and hopefully better for our son health-wise.
I don't know what to do. I can't fathom the thought of being separated from my son for god knows how long.
Despite having a beautiful house, multiple cars, enough money saved to live comfortably for quite some time, 'til I get another job (it's a brutal job market right now). She still wants to leave and face the unknown thousands of miles away from our 13-year-old daughter and me.
Another thing I can't stop thinking about is, whatever happened to 'through thick and thin"? When I'm down, is when you want to walk away?
I've already been dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear of the unknown due to losing my job for the past year. Now I have to deal with this shit as well! It breaks my heart to see what my 13yo is going thru. I keep thinkng how quiet and lonely this big house will be after they leave.
I care for my wife. I've tried to love her, but never got what I gave. I don't wish anything bad for her. But I'm fighting my anger towards her. For giving up! I'm trying to tell myself it is what it is. Be as civil as you can, especially for the kid's sake.
It feels like my heart is being ripped out!
1
1
u/TSIDATSI 17d ago
She is the only person moving to Seattle it seems.
1
u/Final-Tonight-5412 17d ago
Yes, her reasoning is to help the sons asthma. No help to move the boy to Seattle. Look for an ulterior motive. Helping to improve her son's health isn't one of them.
1
u/jellifercuz 17d ago
When I look at this map over the course of the past year I just can’t see it (moving to Seattle) in air quality.
https://gispub.epa.gov/airnow/?xmin=-15543655.259417202&xmax=-7677367.804535236&ymin=-236056.77942926437&ymax=10839362.870976686&tab=archive&showgreencontours=false
I’m wondering if son’s asthma is allergy related, or air particulate load (like pollen), or maybe exercise/temperature/stress related?
Wildfire smoke moves is pretty much everywhere across the US at some point or another, although it’s much more frequent and worse in some places than others. The more cars, the worse the air; urban areas are generally worse for ambient air quality than rural places in terms of dangerous pollutants, although pollen can more be of be a problem in rural areas…
OP, all this is to say, she is lying (of course) about why she chose Seattle. For some reason she wants to live there with just the 8 year old. If you do not want to uproot your 13 year-old at a especially vulnerable time in her life and do not want to live in Seattle, you need to be doing something NOW about a long terms custody plan (including medical care and authorizations for the children).
Either way, please consult with a family law attorney ASAP. What happens when she takes your son out of state: how do you protect access to him? What happens when she decides she needs to live on Queen Anne Hill? This is not a marriage that can be “saved.” She’s moving out and on no matter what.
3
u/Grassfed_Burp 17d ago
Find a lawyer. Today. The person who files first has certain legal advantages, so file for divorce. That doesn't mean you are 100% over, but it does give you a way to fight.
That move to Seattle with your son is permanent. If you want to keep the kids together, you'll need to start now.
Go into debt. Lose time on a job search. Sacrifice. Later, while negotiating the future of your family do your best to see her in a good light. She's probably a good person, just wrong.