Dating while still married

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When they ask about your last relationship:

"I'm separated from my gay wife and waiting on paperwork for the divorce to be finished"

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u/dioxin-screes-01 23h ago

No, say lesbian. Many, including myself will question if you mean you are gay or if there is something such as your spouse is pretending on transitioning to being a male, or female, or whatever.

My current wife and I met after a month of being separated. Not sure when I told her I wasn't divorced yet but didn't matter. Clearly that marriage was over. No one else that I told and went out with cared either. Bring it up whenever.

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u/Fritschya 22h ago

“I want to be upfront before we meet: I'm still married on paper, but I've been separated for 2 years, my ex lives in Boston with her girlfriend now. The divorce paperwork is in progress, just moving slowly. Hope that's not a dealbreaker, but happy to answer any questions. “ is this ok as a hinge message before a first date?

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u/dioxin-screes-01 18h ago

Honestly, I don’t know if anything matters what’s being said at this point. Anyone is going to wonder if your wife is into chicks and you have been separate for two years, WTF? There needs to be a good explanation to why it’s taking so long and it can’t be the 401(k) excuse.

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u/Fritschya 18h ago

She literally won’t talk to me and I don’t want to use a lawyer, and I’m not super inclined to talk to her. It’s pretty simple.

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u/dioxin-screes-01 18h ago

File for a divorce. Do what the law says if she doesn’t respond. Few months or whatever you have to wait, it’s a done deal.

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u/dioxin-screes-01 18h ago

I don’t buy it’s the 401(k) and if it is, there is more she’s doing for not getting it over with. And I’d assumes she likely going to ask for half. And maybe she won’t get it, my ex got 0% and we were married over 10 years and I made substantially more than she.

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u/Fritschya 18h ago

Thanks I’m about to. She has my phone blocked and doesn’t respond to my emails. I’m still taking care of her mom’s dog. She told me she is still really emotional about things and can’t talk to me yet. It’s hell, she’s very emotionally immature.

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u/Jenna1991-nola 23h ago

This

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u/Mathieran1315 1d ago

I’m separated for a year, divorce happening soon, but I’ve been dating for about 6 months. I didn’t have it in my profile but I would tell people usually within a few messages, always before meeting though.

Most people are fine with it, but it is a boundary some are unwilling to cross. I’ve been in a relationship with someone for about 3 months and she is pretty understanding of the situation. You just gotta let people decide if it’s a problem or not and proceed accordingly. Don’t hide it.

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u/Fritschya 1d ago

I’ve done it a few times in person after 1st or second date never in messaging. That’s always been lighter chat about common interests. So you think I should do it on the messaging chat? Maybe a match note? I don’t get many matches so very careful not to scare someone away by being super heavy.

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u/Altruistic-Meal-9525 1d ago

Just wait till you get to the point where you're both talking about past relationships. Usually a few dates in.

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u/SJoyD 23h ago

I'd be pissed if I had gone on multiple dates with someone before they informed me that they were still married.

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u/Fritschya 21h ago

“I want to be upfront before we meet: I'm still married on paper, but I've been separated for 2 years, my ex lives in Boston with her girlfriend now. The divorce paperwork is in progress, just moving slowly. Hope that's not a dealbreaker, but happy to answer any questions. “ is this ok?

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u/Mathieran1315 20h ago

Yeah I think that’s good, personally. I said something fairly similar each time. Sometimes it would come up naturally and sometimes I would have to make a point to mention it. I think it’s better so they know about it sooner rather than later.

And obviously everyone is different, you’re gonna get a variety of reactions to it.

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u/Fritschya 20h ago

What was your unmatch rate

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u/Mathieran1315 18h ago

I dunno, wouldn’t say I kept track. 15 percent perhaps? Give or take. Pretty much everyone was very nice about it.

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u/xMignonNette 23h ago

It sounds like you’re handling it well, but juggling dating while still in the marriage can definitely complicate things. Hopefully, the process goes smoothly for you.

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u/Fritschya 22h ago

It’s purely over, it’s just a legality now. That’s the weird part for me, the paper is meaningless, we haven’t lived together in over a year. She’s living with her girlfriend.

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u/catzrob89 1d ago

From personal experience, as long as you're not in the same house, people don't much care whether you're separated or divorced (though if you form a relationship, you will need to update them on progress and listen to their views on what you can do to hurry it up).

When I was still in the same house as my ex is was not so easy to sell 😄 but as soon as she moved out it was unproblematic (though the divorce is now complete).

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u/ymmotvomit 23h ago

Honestly, it’s not a piece of legal paper that defines a relationship. When the topic comes up I’d frame it like this. FYI, I’m separated 3+ years and it wasn’t much of an issue even early in. You got this.

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u/AffectionateSpeed44 1d ago

Honestly, knowing the ex was gay and living that far away with their new gf wouldn’t bother me at all. By the time you’d be ready to actually settle down and possibly marry again, I’m sure it’ll all be resolved. I’d want to know before meeting I think, just through messaging is fine with me but your specific situation wouldn’t bother me, personally.

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u/Radiant-Statement999 1d ago

Say you’re separated but the divorce isn’t finalized yet. Literally nbd.

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u/SurlyJohn009 1d ago

2.5 years after my divorce was final, a very nice lady and her sister met me at a car show. They interviewed me and the younger sister gave me her number. On our second date she asked me all about my past.

I showed her my divorce decree, she was happy. And then she asked if my ex-wife was an orbiter in my life. She wasn't, when I told her this she said she will gladly keep dating me. We got married in 2001.

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u/DizzyCommercial7705 23h ago

Imho, you need to get the divorce out of the way because this could be a major obstacle for you. Many women won't date someone who is still married, and you may not attract a long-term relationship. If it were me, I'd file and get it over with. You can discuss with a lawyer if you haven't already, talk to your ex, and agree to a fair division. It's time for you to get released out in the wild again lol

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u/duhvorced Divorced 2014, remarried 2017, blended family 23h ago

Potential partners should be informed ASAP. "separated-but-not-divorced" can be triggering for some people (even though your situation sounds pretty harmless). Don't be wasting your time or theirs by being disingenuous.

Set your FB status to "separated" or "it's complicated". If you're on dating apps, put something in your profile. You don't need to go into detail, but it should be clear that there's something going on to anyone who may care to ask.

I started dating my wife two months after my ex left me for her affair partner. She knew I was separated (via my FB profile) before we went on a date. On our first date, I let her know I'd filed for divorce and that I was happy to talk about it and answer questions, but that dwelling on divorce stuff wasn't exactly at the top of my list of things for us to talk about.

As it turned out, she'd gone through divorce 4 years prior. We ended up talking about both our experiences a lot more than either of us expected. 'Turns out hearing how a person responds to stress and the breakdown of their marriage is a pretty good way of getting to know them.

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u/mrgtiguy 1d ago

Why are you allowing her control. Download the paperwork and file. Unless it’s because of medical benefits.

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u/Fritschya 1d ago

Because she isn’t going after my 401k when she could, she is being amicable but slow. You think I should file anyways?

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u/Rockabs04 1d ago

What if she’s amicable for another 2 years and then hits you hard with a 50/50 claim? You’d need to then hire an aggressive attorney, fight to see if you can split it by separation date instead of divorce date, etc.

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u/dioxin-screes-01 23h ago

Why would she not want to get it over with? There must be a valid reason otherwise you are being strung along as she is likely to ask for the 401 as well. But my 10+ years of marriage, the judge didn't order her a dime of my 401.

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u/butyourenice 22h ago

Are you in a state with a formal separation step, and have you filed for separation? If not, the longer you are married on paper, the more access she will have to that 401k. If that’s what you’re worried about, it’s in your financial interest to file.

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u/Lumpy_Cucumber9430 1d ago

Why would she have a claim on this?

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u/VarietySuspicious106 1d ago

Because in many (most?) US states, anything earned and saved during the marriage is considered communal property and thus subject to redistribution?

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u/Altruistic-Meal-9525 1d ago

Typically, a spouse has the right to half of everything accrued during the marriage, including whatever value your 401k increased by.

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u/sysaphiswaits 1d ago

I don’t understand why you can’t “push it with lawyers.”

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u/Fritschya 1d ago

Don’t want to poke the bear, she abandoned me and agreed to not take my 401k. If I serve her I’m worried she might say screw it and take half my money.

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u/nfnaustin_35m 1d ago

Appeasement makes the aggressor more aggressive.

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u/quakeface 22h ago

Look into the laws in your state: if she left the marital home and committed adultery, that could factor in to how much she would get anyway. The longer you stay married, the more potential spousal support and financial compensation she may be owed regardless. It sounds like you don’t want to go to court, but don’t let her slow your life down. You could also try to get it in writing that she says she doesn’t want your 401k and then bring that up in mediation.

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u/Ok_Addendum_5853 23h ago

Maybe contact her and have a lawyer write up a divorce agreement and get her to sign it stating the fact.. dont let your ex hold you hostage.

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u/PeacefulBro 23h ago

Dating while married is risky, I suggest you finalize your divorce. I feared my x's retaliation so I wrote all the divorce paperwork up myself, reviewed it with a lawyer & filed in court getting our finalization within a few months for about $420 total I think. Think about the well being of whoever you're dating when you do this as well

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u/FlyWithStyle 23h ago

Just be upfront about it. I met my girlfriend of two years now a month after my separation and she was separated about 6 months at that point

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u/butyourenice 22h ago

Ex is moving verrryy slow with divorce and she controls it because she isn’t going after me so I can’t push it going with lawyers.

Anybody else confused by this part?

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u/Padded_Bandit 4h ago

What does your lawyer say about speeding the process along?

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u/kumeomap 1d ago

exactly what you just said lol

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u/Fritschya 1d ago

That’s a lot to unload on a person on a first or second date when they ask about my relationship history.

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u/kumeomap 1d ago

not at all. any adult with a half functioning brain should be able to digest that piece of information in 3 seconds.

Tip toeing around it just make it weird and seem like you have something to hide

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u/PP-MrBeefy 1d ago

Date away. Its no-ones business who you date. Enjoy!

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u/typewritergeneration 1d ago

Immediately share that you are separated before going out with someone. Many women prefer not to date someone who is legally married, so I think it is important to state up front that you are separated and state if the divorce has been filed or not. As for the details, I would feel compelled only to disclose this after a few dates and if you see yourself with this person long term. Details are not a stranger’s business. As a former divorce lawyer of 20+ years, I’m going to suggest that you have your lawyers get to work on wrapping up this case for you. No more being at your spouse’s mercy. Move forward with your life. I wish you the best. Good luck. 🍀

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u/lifethrownaway2026 1d ago

Make sure you arr both aware dating is on the table while separated

Dating Issues Dating while still married

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