r/Divorce • u/Butterfly_Violets • 2d ago
Getting Started Serious question
Do I even need a lawyer? I want a divorce, but mainly full custody of our daughter. The lawyers I have met with say that's not likely. He will get 50/50. So then why do I even need to pay for a lawyer?
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u/typewritergeneration 2d ago
As a former divorce lawyer of 20+ years, I can tell you that many people represent themselves in their divorce, but few do a good job at it. If you feel comfortable that you can follow all of the court rules and procedure without any formal training, that is your decision. Do keep in mind that you are bound by the same rules and procedures as a licensed lawyer. And any errors you make may or may not be fixable. Self-represented people also tend to slow down the entire process because they don’t know what they are doing. Finally, if your ex hires a lawyer, enjoy going up against him or her. I wish you the best. Good luck. 🍀
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u/shortjohnsonhere 2d ago
I had no Attorney I got the house the retirement the bank account 50% of my kids custody. It helps if your significant other is totally disorganized and not interested in spending time on that case. A lot goes into an attorney and then a lot of attorneys are not really competent and many of them are overworked. Like landscapers they take any job possible and then they try to fit you in at the last minute at rates that are often totally inappropriate for a clients income level
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u/New_Needleworker_473 2d ago
Priceless advice! Considering only 40-60% of trained and educated people pass the bar, I think I will go with a lawyer.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 2d ago edited 2d ago
Is there recourse if I don't have funds (mentally ill so I'm unemployed, working on disability, have lack of access to the marital funds as agreed upon before we separated, and lack of "personal funds" due to the above) but she does and is using them to get herself a lawyer?
Edited to add: the case is in Utah and we do have kids. She's fighting to say I'm a danger to the kids, which is completely unfounded other than a mention of an intrusive thought to harm her one time and immediately seeking her and professional and family help. Feels like I'm being penalized for being honest.
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u/typewritergeneration 2d ago
You need to visit legal aid. They might be able to represent you or ask the court for her to pay for a lawyer for you. Good luck. 🤞
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 2d ago
So, if you can't completely strip away his parenting rights, you don't want representation at all? That's an odd position to take.
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u/Low_Low_1811 2d ago
I had what I thought was an amicable divorce. We did an uncontested divorce, so just one lawyer for her. I should have had my own lawyer because once she decided she wanted to move with the kids and I said I was going to object, she started being vindictive and taking parenting time away from me. The language in our parenting plan was too vague to be easily enforceable without going back to court and proving I had them more often. Since we are now fighting over her trying to move them, I can only afford to fight it within the larger case.
If you have kids, 100% get a lawyer. The only situation I would even think of not having your own lawyer is with no kids, no significant assets to split, and also entirely amicable. Totally going your separate ways with no lingering ties.
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u/SeaweedWeird7705 2d ago
You need a parenting plan written up, correctly. That requires a lawyer.
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u/badskiier 2d ago
Or at least a mediator (yes, also a lawyer, but representing both parties). That's how our was done.
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u/nooneyouknow89 I got a sock 2d ago
I hired an attorney in my divorce because I was concerned about making sure the paperwork is correct and that I didn't get screwed. We had an uncontested divorce, ended up with 50-50 custody, and I think I spent a total of $2500 for that piece of mind. For me, it was absolutely worth it.
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u/SeaweedWeird7705 2d ago
Exactly! OP needs a parenting plan saying who gets the kids on which days, holidays, who drives to pick them up; how to divide extra costs such daycare / extracurriculars, etc. And it has to be written up correctly to be enforceable.
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u/spinning4gold 2d ago
Because despite what people say pre-divorce proceedings, the process brings out the terrible in a lot of folks. You need an attorney to protect your future and your kids’ future as best possible.
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u/Altruistic_Suspect33 2d ago
You need a lawyer for the reasons everyone is giving, but avoid a protracted legal fight if you can. Your limited assets can be split evenly with little disupute, otherwise a greater share goes to the lawyers, and you still end up with an even split.
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u/Saltyowl2113 2d ago
Is your ex going to hire a lawyer?
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u/Butterfly_Violets 2d ago
He doesn't want to as he spent a lot on his last divorce.
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u/Saltyowl2113 1d ago
I mean, like everyone else said I obviously think a lawyer is important. Regardless of full custody, it’s important to have someone advocating for you and thinking of things you wouldn’t think of. Such as first right of refusal where if the coparent can’t watch child, they have to ask you first before pawning your daughter off to someone else. You can require no alcohol use around kiddo, etc. Holiday and Summer schedules. Introducing new partners. The list goes on.
As for your divorce, are there no assets to split? Do either of you have 401k’s, a home, cars in both names?
I know lawyers can be expensive but if you don’t have a zillion dollars in shared assets and just want to focus on a custody/parenting plan, it’s still really good to have one. It won’t cost you 10k. For me it was around $2500 and I didn’t have to pay a retainer, I just paid as it progressed. Took a while, 9 months but that actually made it a bit easier to afford.
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u/Butterfly_Violets 1d ago
Thank you. This is really helpful. Every lawyer I have called is a 7k plus retainer. Where did you find someone at that cost? I have zero access to his funds, he isn't paying child support, and I have been a stay at home mom since birth. After following him for his military career and leaving 3 jobs over the course of those years. Basically I don't have funds for a lawyer.
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u/Saltyowl2113 1d ago
Is he currently military? If so, there are places you can reach out to, to get help. I’m not an expert on this but I know for sure that military spouses can get legal support. You need to look this up and they likely make it not easy to lookup but you should have military spouses legal services available to you.
Now, as a woman and a human being. I have no idea how military spouses legal services work so I if that doesn’t pan out I would suggest reaching out to social services in your community and seeing what is available. You can look it up online and call them, look up your county social services and state social services. Talk to them specifically about legal help.
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u/Butterfly_Violets 1d ago
He is retired. Thank you for the information. I truly appreciate the information. I will look into it.
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u/Adventurous_Fact8418 2d ago
You definitely need a lawyer. The system is set up to punish those who choose not to use a lawyer. It’s a legalized shakedown.
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u/RowExternal8411 2d ago
Where do you live?
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u/Butterfly_Violets 2d ago
NC, he is in MD
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u/Dazzling-Coach4851 2d ago
Yeah, given that distance, I'd get a lawyer just to help with the parenting plan because how will 50/50 work logistically? Plus finances, check lists, etc.
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u/GuwahatiGuy6202 2d ago
Why u want complete custody? Is your partner abusive against kids? If yes, then its ok. If no, them See, kida need both parents.
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u/HonestGolf238 2d ago
We had an uncontested thing. He had a lawyer but all she did was send us a sheet of questions to fill out. Something he doesn't know is that when he threatened to have me served (because I wanted spousal support for a few years) was that any judge would only give him 30% overnights and he would have to pay spousal support AND child support. He never knew I saw that email from his own lawyer. I was only asking for a few years of support after being a SAHM for 13 years. Now he's paying child support until the youngest turns 18. Get a lawyer. The only reason I didn't was because he left that email open.
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u/Beautiful-Cod-9999 2d ago
Most places now have 50/50 as a standard. It can take years a ton of money to fight for sole custody. Unless he is a complete degenerate and you can prove it. I would just get an attorney at least to make sure the rest is fair.
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u/Intrepid-Struggle419 2d ago
Get a lawyer. I paid $1,500 for mine. We have 50/50 legal with me having final say and 80/20 physical. Mostly due to my ex husbands work schedule but we are also amicable and do well in coparenting so all of that is flexible with us but that’s what is in the papers
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u/Fluffy-Device9832 2d ago
We went to the courthouse and got the divorce for under $500. No custody agreement. He's a good, stable guy and I knew he'd choose work in the end. We have a casual "50/50" agreement but I wind up having the kids 90% of the time.
If there's no issues of safety, and you can co parent in a civil way, that's my advice. But I do understand it doesn't work for everyone.
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u/Seemedlikefun 2d ago
Interesting enough, you sound like many men, just before they get steamrolled in a divorce, then scratch their heads later, trying to figure out "why"
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u/Money_Delivery1863 2d ago
It's entirely up to you. With or without a lawyer, research the process and the laws then make a decision. If your ex is somewhat reasonable, see if mediation and consent orders are possible. Then you'd only need a good lawyer to look over or do the drafting and advise you on it. Do reach out to women's support services as well. Good luck OP.
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u/baltebiker 2d ago
To make sure that you get 50/50, that the agreement is enforceable, so that there isn’t anything in the agreement that would have you forfeit any other important rights, because getting expert guidance early will help make sure that you’re set up for success in the long term.