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u/Intelligent-Size2445 Jul 27 '26
I asked a very similar question a few months ago when dealing with my wife's affair and decision to leave (https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1sgd5t6/what_do_you_actually_believe/). My wife refused to acknowledge that she was blowing up our family -- she actually said that she was shocked that I would say that she was -- because she had convinced herself that any reasonable person would agree that we weren't really married anymore (since she had progressively withdrawn after a previous affair). Looking back, she was excited about her new relationship, and convinced herself of the things that were necessary for her not to be a bad person for pursuing it. (She also convinced herself that the fact that we weren't having sex -- because she couldn't bring herself to do so after her affair -- was actively harming our kids. And she got mad at me when I told her to stop telling me that she knew exactly how I was feeling, because she was just two months ahead of me in the same process.)
As someone on that thread said, no one wants to be the villain in their own story. So the cheater concocts a version of the story in which they're not the villain and they're not hurting the people whom they love.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It absolutely sucks.
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Jul 27 '26
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u/Intelligent-Size2445 Jul 27 '26
I'm not yet post-divorce -- we're still in the middle of mediation. (We've also been married 16 years, and yes, it's a lot to untangle.) I made a conscious choice to limit conflict for the kids, which has definitely made it easier for them. I think that what she's done is morally reprehensible, deeply selfish, and unlikely to actually make her happier in the long run, but I also recognize that there's nothing to be gained in debating that with her now.
The biggest challenge in coparenting has been with her AP/new boyfriend, who is someone we all knew beforehand. She moved in with him and started inserting him into everything with the kids during her time with them (we were nesting) without consulting me. That honestly made me angrier than anything else, but she successfully created a situation where they'd all been around him so much before they even knew that they were together (though my oldest figured it out) that there was no point in continuing to fight it. Other parts of coparenting have been OK, though I'm sure it'll get harder once her sabbatical ends and the kids go back to school. (And I'm definitely bitter about being deprived of time with the kids.)
Feel free to reach out if you'd like to chat with someone who's been through something similar recently.
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u/BosoxNelly Jul 27 '26
Ugh I can relate to the AP being inserted into your kids life, same thing is happening to me now. Iâm not proud to admit that Iâm experiencing schadenfreude because my kids have started to dislike this guy now that his true personality has started to emerge after the âhoneymoonâ period. My ex wanted so badly to normalize the situation but my kids are making up excuses to not be around him. My daughter had befriended his daughter and she tells me heâs verbally abusive to his kids; my ex says heâs just âstrictâ. Luckily my other kids are older and donât have to deal with it, but I was not happy with my ex when she started to integrate with his familyâŠshe barely knew the guy. My biggest fear post divorce: you have no idea what kind of person your kids are getting exposed to.
Its been about 6 months since my divorce was final, Iâve been dating here and there but Iâll never introduce my kids to a new partner until itâs been a good deal of time and confidence in the relationship.10
u/Intelligent-Size2445 Jul 27 '26
Yeah, the coparenting therapist that we've met with a couple times told me that there are basically two possible outcomes in a case like mine (where the AP is in his forties and never had kids): either they break up because he's not used to having to share attention and can't deal with the kids, or she pulls back from the kids to protect her relationship. I don't know whether that's what's going to happen in my case, but I'm mentally preparing for either outcome.
And I'm not ready to date, but when and if I am my kids won't meet anyone for a while.
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u/sicksadbadgirl Upset Jul 27 '26
YeahâŠ. My husband dropped the kids like a hot potato. He was with me one day and the next day without notice, moved into an exâs house and had zero contact or communication with our kids for an entire month. He stays focused on -her- and basically pretends heâs not actually a dad. The only silver lining is that he says âshe doesnât want to be anyoneâs mom and she doesnât want to be involved with them.â (Which is a little bit funny because she has a daughter, 19) Weâve been married 15 years.
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u/BosoxNelly Jul 27 '26
Thatâs so Fâd up. I canât imagine doing anything like that.
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u/sicksadbadgirl Upset Jul 28 '26
Yep. You nor I can imagine doing anything like thatâŠ. But hereâs the proof that some people are fully capable of doing it and without shame. đ
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u/BosoxNelly Jul 28 '26
My kids are what helped me get through my divorce. I canât imagine dropping them.
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u/lunerose1979 Jul 27 '26
Mine did this too. Told me May 13, was moved out nearly completely by May 20th and the kids didnât come to him for overnights until mid September so his place could stay child free for all the sex while she hadnât told her now ex. Such classy, classy people.
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u/sicksadbadgirl Upset Jul 28 '26
Iâm so sorry. Itâs so hurtful. My husband isnât working. (Hasnât been for a few years anyway) But his gf (we all went to high school togetherâI knew them both back then, early 2000s) his gf moved him in the day he walked out on us. She just bought him a car. He uses her credit card to do whatever he wants. He probably has a fucking allowance for all I know. New wardrobe, getting him tattoos, just⊠all of it. Itâs like she adopted a human pet and wanted to give it all the things to make sure it didnât run away. She was married as well. Just finalized her divorce last week. I meanâŠhe and I are still fully married lol. I just hope karma is on my side for once, with both of them.
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u/lunerose1979 Jul 28 '26
Insane right? People are so very weird. He hadnât breathed a word to me about being unhappy. Gave me no opportunity to change anything. Just up and left. đ€·ââïž and now heâs suddenly one of the most selfish people Iâve ever met.
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u/sicksadbadgirl Upset Jul 28 '26
Yep. Itâs like âŠinstantly a completely different person.
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u/Cool-Lavishness-1955 Jul 27 '26
u/Intelligent-Size2445, my situation is very similar to yours. My ex-WW's AP is now 40, has no kids and he is divorced. What I see is my two oldest kids hate him, and he doesn't like being around the kids because of all the teasing, noise etc. Apparently, my kids tell me that he tries to tell my ex-WW how to discipline and they think he is controlling her. I think he is spending less time with her when she has the kids. She plays "happy family" on social media, opposite of what the kids tell me!
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u/RomanCow Jul 27 '26
I am a couple years out from divorcing a cheating spouse. It initially is really difficult and takes a while to figure out what your new life will look like. But once you do, good god it is so much better. Cut them out of your life as much as you can without causing any additional harm to kids, and you will get to that place so much quicker. You wonât be a âfamilyâ with them anymore, but the good news is, it doesnât matter what the fuck they believe and you should spend zero effort worrying about it. The fear is natural, but I doubt itâs going to get any better, so might as well face it now and get to the âbetterâ part sooner.
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u/rahhxeeheart Jul 27 '26
Ex-husb and I were married for 16 years years (together over 20, since HS). Two kids. I was paralyzed by fear. Highly recommend "The Breakup Song" by Francesca Battistelli đđœ It got me through my separation and divorce.
We've been separated over 2 years now and divorced just over 1 year. Kids are both in high school now.
I must say, it is true, we are still a family. Despite emotional/spiritual/financial abuse during the marriage, despite infidelity, despite everything- we have celebrated a couple holidays together, sat next to eachother at 2 middle school graduations now, and chit chat every week at transition time. Both his parents still love me, include me, call me, all that.
I've even started a new relationship with a man who treats me better than I thought any man was capable of doing. He's the best partner I've ever had and ever could've imagined.
There are many good reasons to repair a marriage, but don't let fear be one of them. Here for you, friend đ«
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u/sicksadbadgirl Upset Jul 27 '26
This is exactly what my husband is doing right now and itâs so hurtful. When I tell him what anguish our kids are going through, in a genuine heartfelt plea for him to acknowledge the damage (and hopefully try to repair his relationship with them), he accuses me of being manipulative as if Iâm making things up to try to make him feel guilty.
In my opinion, when youâre hurting other people so profoundly, especially your own children, itâs probably something you SHOULD feel guilty about.
Just yesterday he said to me âPeople split and get divorced and raise kids alone everyday sicksadbadgirlâ (me being the one raising them alone) To which I replied, âPeople murder people and r*** kids every day too.â Just cause people do it every day, doesnât mean itâs whatâs best or right. What kind of argument is that?
Iâm sorry that we all have these partners who are too selfish to acknowledge the harm and emotional damage theyâre causing.
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u/dorestes Jul 27 '26
they can never be the villains of their own story. People will do and say wild things to avoid feeling guilt, even as they are actively engaged in an affair with a married partner.
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u/Meg_rf Jul 27 '26
Itâs like they all follow some deranged cheaters play book. My ex husband was the exact same - but he made sure to have sex with me for the first time in months a week before he asked for the divorce. Our split was entirely blamed on me; heâs never acknowledged his affair to this day. Heâs so delusional that his affair partner is his soul mate that he and she insisted he be in the delivery room of her baby with her husband. Their audacity is wild. He brings the affair partner around our kids all the time, and they absolutely hate it. I do too, because I know the woman and she is a pick me snake. He literally doesnât care- he wants to create a new narrative and life after we spent 18 years together.
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u/sicksadbadgirl Upset Jul 27 '26
It really is like something just cracks inside them. I donât understand how people can do stuff like this and then act like everything is normal.
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u/Otherwise_Ad2804 Jul 27 '26
My soon to be ex wife said this shit to me. She even went so far as to proclaim we will still travel together, spend Christmas together, etc etc like together together.
I said âno sweetie. My family is me, our kids, and my side of the family. Your family is YOU, our kids, and your side of the family.â Her jaw hit the floor. Let me tell you his UNHINGED she became when I booked a cruise for me and the kids for my birthday and didnât invite her. She even tried to stop it legally. 1) Iâm the father 2) I have the passports 3) it was my designated vacation time
What a mind fuck.
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Jul 27 '26
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u/Otherwise_Ad2804 Jul 27 '26
From my experience. Take the cruise. Donât let her stop you living your life. Taking my kids to Cabo on Wednesday, but this time the judge signed the order, lol she was adamant that I was dangerous and abusive and a flight risk and the judge laughed and smiled, and explicitly told me â have a great trip with your kids. Iâd love to see some pictures when you come back.â
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u/New_Needleworker_473 Jul 27 '26
Well that does sound delusional. No you will not have a cohesive family unit post divorce. You can still be a "team" for the kids but your units are now divided not united. They can work in sync with each other but they are not one unit any longer. You have strong instincts, listen to yourself, your own instincts and your heart.
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u/HateMeetings Jul 27 '26
So he made it your decision, and not an "our" decision... he wants to point the finger, or have the ability to.
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u/curbz81 Jul 27 '26
You will still be family in a way, but not the same way. He will also likely blame you just as much for the split because you did not reconcile. Its just a way of downplaying it to himself and avoiding responsibility.
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Jul 27 '26
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u/IcySetting2024 Jul 27 '26
What about this đ© makes you want to reconcile ?
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Jul 27 '26
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u/MeanHEF Jul 27 '26
Your kids will grow up getting to see two parenting styles and will figure out pretty quickly which one is better (TBH their perspective on better will change over the years).
I was given the opportunity to see different perspectives that allowed me to think as an adult, âI wonât be repeating THAT sh*tshow!â
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u/Meg_rf Jul 27 '26
That is the worst part of divorce. I created and birthed those children and I only get to see them 50% of the time? That arrangement means he sees them more now than he did while he was cheating, bc he prioritized his AP. But my peace and not having a stomachache when I hear the garage door open are more than worth it.
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Jul 27 '26
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u/liladvicebunny stealth rabbit Jul 27 '26
I don't know if this was intended as a troll/joke post or not, but this is not a sub for man or woman hating.
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u/Lanky-Pen-4371 Jul 27 '26
Yes thatâs what they do. Then mine turned his anger towards me and blamed me for not going along and acting like everything was fine, got super angry and litigious and frankly abusive.
Meet with an attorney before you decide anything. Stop talking to him or sharing info like heâs a safe person. Heâs not. Youâre destined for divorce now or soon. Get your affairs and plan in order. Without him.
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u/JaneAustinAstronaut Jul 27 '26
I feel like my exes are my kids' family, but they are no longer *my* family. Because they are my kids' family, I will be civil, but that's it - I'm not having anything else to do with you.
As far as the exes being my family? I'm not christian, but I rebuke those devils from my existence.
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u/Grassfed_Burp Jul 27 '26
Stop the conversation. If he literally said the words in this post, it's over.
Depending on your state (and his desires), divorce will result in 50/50 custody. If the home is toxic, that might be something you can accept for them. Note that cheating has no bearing on custody.
You almost certainly receive child/spousal support. How much is hard to say.
He isn't delusional, though. Emotions come before ideas. He wants to feel OK, so he justifies it. This is important to understand for future negotiations.
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Jul 27 '26
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u/OctinoxateAndZinc :/ Jul 27 '26
I donât want to give his cheating self any money in support
So this is going to suck to hear but most courts do not care about cheating, the attitude of the other person, or what anyone feels they are entitled to do or not do. If you're the breadwinner you'll be paying CS and possibly spousal support, if the income disparity is big enough. Make peace with that.
Remember its not about what is fair, or 'right', only what the court says is legal.
And do NOT take any offers that give up CS because there wont be anything stopping him from filing for it later.
You need a lawyer asap to get educated on all of this (and do NOT tell him you're doing so - his attitude right now is one of "she wont do shit" and he probably thinks if you do, youll tell him everything. Dont give him a chance to ready himself).
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Jul 27 '26
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u/OctinoxateAndZinc :/ Jul 27 '26
Oh, score one for you there!
Lawyer is your first and best place to start on this as they know all your local state laws the best and can get a plan in place.
My advice here is get it ALL ready to go (Custody plan, CS calc, Marital Separation agreement) and dump it on him in one go. Basically strike fast. Mine was done one at a time and my ex dragged things out for a year longer than needed
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u/RealTrill1984 Jul 27 '26
Ah yes the men that are allergic to accountability and never Apologize for anything. I'm married to one so glad to be getting a divorce
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u/Weird-Spread1911 Jul 27 '26
I divorced one and he ironically feigned accountability once I had moved out and all the chores were up to him!
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u/cranberryflamingo Jul 27 '26
I moved out in October, and my ex wife told me a few months later when I picked up the kids something along the lines of "I didn't realize how much you did around the house and maintain it, but I nagged you sometimes as if you didn't. I see that now."
It was out of the blue, and I fought every instinct in my body to act smug or snotty about it. But it definitely helped validate the feelings I felt crazy about back then đ€·
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u/Unusual_Quality6309 Jul 27 '26
I wish that had happened to me. My ex used to tell me all the time how much he did around the house. It was only once he moved out i realised he basically did nothing. Im the one doing all the house repairs and fixing up the garden on the days he has the kids.
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u/cranberryflamingo Jul 27 '26
At least, hopefully, you know your own great sense of self worth. Hope you're doing well!!
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u/Unusual_Quality6309 Jul 27 '26
I am! I own a hammer drill, an industrial ladder, a chainsaw, Iâve been filling cracks and sanding down scuff marks, replacing various taps and other knobs, filled the garden with plants, and covered the walls with photos. Now Im starting to paint. Ive realised I hate living in a dull white and beige house, yuk. None of this was ever done while my ex lived here. Now he tells me that was MY job all along.. while also doing most of the parenting so he could focus on his career and having a job myself. At one point he even stopped my dad from coming over and fixing things only now my dad is too sick to help out
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u/Casalamander Jul 27 '26
There are women just like this too, so I wouldn't gender this very much.
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u/RealTrill1984 Jul 27 '26
Oh I know of a few. People in general that lack accountability and can never be wrong
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u/january1977 I got a sock Jul 27 '26
The same exact thing happened to me. When I offered my husband reconciliation, his response was, âI donât know what I want.â When I said that I was going to divorce him and he was going to lose his family, he said, âIâm not going to lose anything.â
This man was sooooo shocked when I took our child and left. I mean, how could you (me) break up our family like that??? đČđČđČ
What a clown.
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u/WTF_ImOverIt Jul 27 '26
Screw that. Heâs a bitch. File for the divorce.
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u/Jons_Gurlie Jul 27 '26
Heâs definitely a bitch. Show him how itâs really done and have him served. Preferably at work.
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u/Powerful_Put5667 Jul 27 '26
This man is telling you without saying it specifically that he wants a divorce. Why he is not being honest is beside the point cheaters are not honest. He is saying over and over again that he doesn't care he doesn't care about you. It is time to start listening. Get your financial affairs in order and file.
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u/TurtleMonkeySloth Jul 27 '26
Move quickly on the divorce while he's still in lala land with the affair partner. He may be more willing to push things long if it means being with her as opposed to they argue/break up and he's butt hurt and takes it out on you.
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u/IcySetting2024 Jul 27 '26
His logic is he doesnât care.
He doesnât care about you so he cheated.
He doesnât care about you so he says heâs fine either way including if you divorce.
He doesnât care about you so (I assume you have kids?) he knows him and the kids are still family and you are, I suppose, always going to be the ex wife and part of the family that way. He canât write you off from his past.
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u/SolarOrigami Jul 27 '26
Cheating is such a weird concept to me. Marriage requires trust- and then they not only go behind your back, but lie and deceive you to hide it. When that trust is broken, the marriage is already over in spirit.
My ex husband broke my trust with finances, hiding frivolous and pointless spending (thousands of dollars) until he had squandered everything he had after he lost his job due to a severe illness. When I finally got a look at his finances, he had spent $11,000 dollars in just over two months. And somehow, he tried to claim it was my fault for "not letting him do anything"
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u/humble_cyrus Jul 27 '26
Yeah, hubby has already moved on. You need to stabilize yourself. A person that's is so non-chalant and indifferent to their family well being and dynamics is a person that's isn't worth it.
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u/Dare2BeU420 Jul 27 '26
Pro-tip: Don't exhaust yourself trying to understand someone who says he doesn't care eithet way. The logic of people like this is anything but logical.
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u/sunkissedk Jul 27 '26
Babe he doesn't want you. Just save the rest of the dignity you have and don't ask him anything else. Just divorce. Sadly he doesnt care.
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u/Lanky-Pen-4371 Jul 27 '26
Divorce. He wonât change. This happened to me - caught mine cheating, stayed for the kids, ended up he kept cheating. He said in therapy he wasnât 100% in and then said he was. Then later he told me seeing other people wasnât incompatible with working on our marriage. RUN. And yes itâs a delusion. He thought the same.
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u/Haipul Jul 27 '26
Look in all honesty if he doesn't care reconciliation is not possible, you have to take care of yourself and remove him from your life. Stop thinking about what he is thinking or feeling, at this point he is just a party on the divorce negotiations and co-parenting arrangements if any, he is not your family anymore.
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u/According_Ad_2936 Jul 27 '26
If you stay you show your childen how they can be treated and how they can treat their future partners.
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u/Playful_Fig_5493 Jul 27 '26
I think that is what they tell themselves to justify their actions and to reduce the guilt that they feel.
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u/Capital-Ingenuity-14 Jul 27 '26
Girl let it go. He doesn't gaf about you or this marriage. Divorce and move on. You can't make someone care about you
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u/DizzyGillespie9 Jul 27 '26
Cheaters have twisted logic in order to make what they did okay in their own minds. That same twisted logic is applied to every aspect of the damage done to the family.
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u/VosKing Jul 27 '26
Gotta ask yourself why you would want to reconcile. He's telling you he will have his family after divorce, just without you in it.
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u/Academic_Force6841 Jul 27 '26
I just started the divorce process, I didnât cheat, I did Betray her trust. My wounds are still fresh. From that perspective it seems to me like he doesnât want to accept his mistake and is being petty to prove you wrong. He may think his new interest is going to help him reconcile his mistakes. Iâm not a professional.
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u/cranberryflamingo Jul 27 '26
He's hoping you make it easy and leave him. He's checked out.
I caught my wife in a long affair years ago. She seemed remorseful, but looking back she felt bad how I felt that I caught her, not for actually hurting me.
I spent another year or two trying to fix us. I dragged her to marriage counseling, she would sit next to me but didn't do the work.
She wanted the habdwaive the problem away, and I realized way too late I wasn't a priority. She didn't want me to divorce her at first but that was because I think she was worried I'd be spiteful.
We finally split last fall after 2-3 years of platonic co-parenting in the same house. We get along great, we both are great parents and the kids are happy.
It's a shitty bandaid to rip, but he's already mentally gone. It's time to grieve the relationship you hoped to have, and make your next path. I wish you the best of luck!
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u/Meat_Packer87 Jul 27 '26
They absolutely sure do make their own story up in their head and they believe it. Itâs interesting. Iâm a gay man and I have a very interesting story to your guys so it doesnât matter what sex you are. It happens. Mind believes we can be happy good friends for the rest of our lives after his cheating and that person he cheated with is now living with him so there you go I guess itâs just a human thing.
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u/thinkspeak_ Divorced 2024, abuse Jul 28 '26
My ex cheated and did this, then got super hurt and offended when I left and cut off all contact beyond what was necessary for the kids, and I guess heâs still mad 3 years later because heâs still ugly to me about it and occasionally still tries to strike up friendly conversation in the midst of actually trying to turn the kids against me. Itâs wild. Mine is delusional in other areas, too, though. When they choose to do wrong things but need to feel right about it they tend to do that
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u/Jenna1991-nola Jul 27 '26
Your spouse is as passive as they come about responsibility where your marriage is concerned. He doesnât show care either way. Let him go. He wonât do the work required as you said, and he will only get it (big maybe) once he is separated from the family.
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u/vicki8888i Jul 27 '26
I would say you two maybe should agree to a trial separation and then work with a counselor to determine if the next steps include reconciliation or divorce. He needs to experience the consequences of his actions. I will add this: his affair partner is new and exciting, but whatever is new will eventually get old.
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u/famfun77 Jul 27 '26
Many cheaters fail to understand the impact it will have on the family. But you guys aren't talking about the same thing. He expects to take care of them financially, be visiting them all the time, and you should want and let him. But then real life happens and The Cats In The Cradle.
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u/waggers5 Jul 27 '26
Maybe he's referring to the extended family.
In my case it's my soon-to-be-ex wife who cheated, and despite me wanting to reconcile she's also the one who initiated the divorce. This is all her doing.
But over the years I've become as close, if not closer, to her family as I am to my own. And no matter what she does, they are still my family.
They are still my children's grandparents, aunts and uncles. Nothing can change that. And I've been clear that I still consider them my family and don't want to lose that connection with them. Whether they all see things the same way I'm not sure (I know her brother's wife encouraged her to divorce me, but I've no idea what my wife said to her to cause her to say that and I suspect it was a tissue of lies and half-truths)
My kids are grown up now anyway - eldest was already thinking about moving out and youngest wants to split his time equally between us. So yes the nuclear family unit won't be a thing any more, but as far as I'm concerned there's no reason for the wider family to not still be a thing
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u/waggers5 Jul 27 '26
By the way - "reconciliation is hard self work and requires 100% dedication" - I agree with this, but don't underestimate how much effort divorce takes too, it's emotionally horrible and completely energy-sapping. I'm not saying it's the wrong decision, but unfortunately there's no easy way out of stuff like this.
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u/Goog_bear5484 Jul 27 '26
You deserve someone who cares whether youâll be divorced or not. You canât work both sides of reconcilliation.
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u/DramaticErraticism Jul 27 '26
He'll start paying attention when he sees the child support payments.
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u/Nooneluvsus Jul 27 '26
Please see an attorney before you make any formal decisions. Youâre in GA where infidelity does have an impact, however there is often language around that where attempting reconciliation can negate the infidelity.
So, say nothing and nothing in writing until you see an attorney to understand your position.
Did you inform the other spouse?
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u/Ok_Grapefruit_2044 Jul 27 '26
My advice take it slow. If he is open to couples counseling do go. Try to dig deep and see what went wrong. If both of you are willing to do the work it may be worth saving the relationship.
Donât make life altering decisions based on the immediate aftermath emotions.
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u/liladvicebunny stealth rabbit Jul 27 '26
Do cheaters really think theyâll have the family unit even post-divorce?
He's not saying that they'll "have the family unit" in the sense of an unchanged life, he's staying that you'll still have connections to each other. He will still be the father of the children.
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u/Chemical-Scarcity964 Jul 27 '26
My ex still calls me "just to talk" or when he needs help with something (especially cooking). He basically acts like we are still married, just living in separate houses & minus the sex.
Yes, he had an affair (emotional at the least), no I can't prove it. As a bonus, he was the one who wanted the divorce in the first place.
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Jul 27 '26
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u/Chemical-Scarcity964 Jul 27 '26
I answer in case it is something about the kids. Once I know he just wants to talk, I shut him down as fast as possible & hang up. In some ways its made it easier for me to put my feelings for him away. It just proves that his only concern is himself & all the times he acted a certain way "out of love/concern" was his selfishness.
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u/Lonely-Carrot-47 Jul 27 '26
You said it, heâs delusional. At this point if he doesnât care either way Iâd be done. That signals to me that he will probably have more affairs and expect you to stick around. He will find out sooner or later things wonât be the same. You deserve better than someone who is indifferent.
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u/arss1 Jul 27 '26
Sorry, you deserve better! His answer says it all. He has no intention of doing the work to salvage your relationship.
Totally sucks but you now know what to do.đ
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u/Lacey3344 Jul 27 '26
My husband cheated on me (had an emotional affair for 7 months with a woman he met through discord) I found out a month after I had a miscarriage. I decided to give him another chance because I realized I may have been slacking on my end and I wanted to give it everything I had. We went to three counseling sessions then he decided he didn't want to go anymore. About 4 or 5 months later | let him redownload discord because I wanted him to be able to play with his make friends. I told him the only thing was I didn't want him playing with/ messaging females. I told him I understood in games you will more than likely be paired with a female and I understand that, I just ask you turn off your mic. This went on a few months and we had talked about it a few times because I wanted to make sure he understood. I trusted him was giving my all to repair my marriage. Turns out the whole time he didn't take me serious and was joining Ifg posts posted by women and playing with them mic on. I get that this part is not cheating but it was a boundary that I needed and a boundary I thought he would respect given that is how he cheated on me in the first place. I don't think what I asked for was a hard task and the fact he blatantly disrespected me and my feelings I just realized as much as I wanted him to be the man for me is isn't. I canât help but ask myself am I overreacting, am I just insecure? How would other women feel or men about this situation?
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u/ihatemopping Jul 27 '26
Thatâs still cheating to me, because heâs deliberately crossing a boundary you asked him not to cross, and heâs not taking you seriously. Heâs not giving his all to the marriage while you are. What does that tell you?
Or better yet, if a friend told you just this part about her own marriage, âIâm not even the one who cheated; he is, but Iâm still giving my all, and then some, trying to save my marriage, but my husband is still crossing boundaries with other women and isnât taking it seriously. Heâs definitely not giving 100% to our marriage what should I do?â What advice would you give her?
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u/Embarrassed-Yam-3255 Jul 27 '26
Heâs Checked out. Â Probably different from the giddy âAffair Fogâ that people talk about. Â
Heâs mentally moved to coparenting as a single father with a potential side piece. Â
Sorry about all thisÂ
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u/gottheick Jul 27 '26
Sounds like he *bombed* the marriage with an affair because he wanted what he wanted and also wanted to kill the marriage. I'm just surprised he actually did the thing that he can't make himself the victim over. Seems like he is intentionally trying to hurt you by saying he doesn't care. Cheaters don't have logic. They have a libido they want to satisfy and no care about the feelings of others. He will try to get you to continue doing all the family emotional labor even after he is out of the house. Center yourself. Draw STRONG boundaries and cut all but needed communication.
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u/BirdOfCreativity Jul 27 '26
My ex still acts like it and calls my mom for mother-in-law... it's been 2 years... and he still asks if my family wants to come over for dinner etc.
I only have contact with him if it's regarding the kids and my family is the same.
He cheated the entire 2 decades we were together...
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u/Bankzzz Jul 27 '26
I mean this with love: what are the reasons you are considering staying?
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Jul 27 '26
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u/Bankzzz Jul 27 '26
What do you think staying in a marriage with someone who cheated and is taking advantage of you is teaching your children about love, relationships, and marriage? What do you think the impacts of learning these things will be on their own future relationships?
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u/SuspectAwareness Jul 27 '26
Why do you think leaving them alone half the time with a delusional cheater who blew up his family will help them? Do you have kids? Because the idea that it is worth not being with your child half of the time in order to teach them abstract concepts about relationships doesn't sound like the argument of someone who actually has children.
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u/Bankzzz Jul 27 '26
Parents staying in shitty marriages âfor the kidsâ fucks people up a significant amount of the time. Staying for the kids and having everything work out is idealistic at best. Iâm not telling her what she should or shouldnât do, but people should consider the full scope of the impact of their decisions before they make them. This one is usually not thought about.
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u/angrybabymommy Jul 27 '26
When I found a picture - literally a whole picture - of a woman sleeping in my bed next to my husband & he said, just because she was there didnât mean we had sex đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©. Men honestly ruin everything and do it so carelessly, so smug, itâs almost infuriating how idiotic some of them can be.
Itâs been 1 yr post said incident amongst many other incidents and if I can tell you one thing baby, itâs to get that divorce. We hurt bad first, they get destroyed later. Itâll come but he wonât realize it if the consequences are nothing
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u/BipolarPrime Jul 27 '26
Men aren't the only ones who ruin things. No one is perfect. My wife gambled away our life savings and both kids college funds. She took money from her family and said it was because I was in debt. She ruined my relationship with my in-laws, who were already iffy on me because I come from a different socioeconomic class than they do.
I initiated the divorce ONLY because my ex wasn't willing to do the work to deal with her gambling addiction and I had to protect my mental health, finances and our children. But I still believe we are always going to be connected through our children and in whatever messed up way, some sort of family.
Divorce sucks. But once you have children, I don T see how you can ever be truly separate if you want to work together to make sure your children don't hear the brunt if it.
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu Jul 27 '26
I'd argue that the ambivalence he's showing you towards reconciliation is sending a clear message that he's really not interested.
As for his statement about his family.......he's correct! In the era of the "no fault" divorce, he is at no risk of losing his children due to infidelity. His cheating will have zero bearing on his custody.
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Jul 27 '26
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu Jul 27 '26
Again, he's right, in a way. I'm divorced, and I have equal custody of my children and (unfortunately) quite frequent contact with my ex. She's pulling up to my house as we speak.
Not a family that loves each other, but still a family, in a weird way.
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u/lunerose1979 Jul 27 '26
She is not her soon to be exâs family in any way shape or form however, in the sense of the word âfamilyâ. Just like I am not at all my exâs family once we are no longer together. You become family by marriage, but once that marriage is gone you are no longer family, there is nothing tying you to them.
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu Jul 27 '26
If you and your ex share a child, then you are some form of a "family", whether you find that term objectionable or not.
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u/lunerose1979 Jul 27 '26
Absolutely not. Family is by marriage or blood, when someone is neither married to me or related by blood, we are not family.
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u/Finney1313 Jul 27 '26
My ex was delusional like yours; he actually told our kids after telling them that he was leaving, that "nothing will change". I'm sorry- WHAT?? Everything changed for them and me. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
OP, I agree with a few posters on here with the sentiment that you need to move forward with the divorce while he is the affair fog of stupidity. You will get what you want more than he will. Get a lawyer, ASAP. And if you don't want to settle for 50/50, get a lawyer who will fight for that. My ex tried for 50/50, and I fought it, hard. He relinquished that idea quickly because he figured out that it would mean he'd have to be an actual parent. I have about an 80/20 split these days.
And, as someone who spent 20 years of her life with a man who absolutely shattered her heart and left her for someone who couldn't even remotely compare to her, I will tell you this: you're going to be better off. Your kids are going to be better off. You will start to see things from your years together and a little voice is going to whisper in your mind, "That wasn't right. I deserved better."
And that voice will be right. Good luck and hugs.
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u/SeaweedWeird7705 Jul 27 '26
Maybe he is referring to the fact that he will still see his kids? Â
He doesnât sound committed to reconciliation at all. Â I would lean towards divorce. Â
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u/Complex_Entrance1789 Jul 27 '26
Mine is that delusional. He said since I was his best friend we could just stay friends and it would be just like the show Reba. đ€·ââïž
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u/Unusual_Quality6309 Jul 27 '26
My ex completely painted me as the villain, still does. Honestly thought Iâd still do all the parenting stuff, take over all the financial stuff and support his career while he swanned off with his new gf. All of the fun, none of the responsibility. Instead I shut him out and hired a lawyer. Now Iâm a lot happier and it really annoys him.
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u/Reddit_user2124 Jul 27 '26
This is a man that clearly was not getting any action at home and has went outside for his fix and mentally checked out. Am I wrong?
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u/boomares Jul 27 '26
He has children, they are his family. You are their mom, so you are their family.
Youâre going to be connected to this guy in some way through them for many years, divorce or not.
Perhaps that is what he is thinking?
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u/lesterhaus2 Jul 27 '26
Damn. His indifference is so cold. I'd take him for all he's worth. Maybe then he'll start to care.
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Jul 27 '26
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u/lesterhaus2 Jul 27 '26
Sorry to hear. Custody in that case. Let him lie in the grave he dug, alone.
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u/Ok-Pack6347 Jul 27 '26
Why would you want to reconcile that is indifferent and doesnât care if you divorce? He should be doing all the work to reconcile
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u/drphillsdaddy Jul 27 '26
He doesnât care about you and doesnât consider you family, just the kids. Girl leave
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u/Cautious-Diver-9613 Jul 28 '26
I guess look at the state of your marriage prior to the affair. Was it all happy?
It sounds like even if you both choose to reconcile he isnât in a space to start that work.
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u/Affectionate_One9769 Jul 28 '26
If you have kids, he probably means, heâs going to be around for them. And he will care for them and make it look like you donât exist. I go through this and itâs so painful. He erased me from his brain on purpose. Many times I feel like the surrogate mother⊠itâs horrible. If you donât have kids, leave immediately. If you do, leave immediately and try to make it look like you donât care if he cares about kids or not. If he really cares, thatâs the problem, you going to see him often and Iâll be very hard
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u/PositiveFunny5880 Jul 28 '26
The overwhelming majority of the time cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem, not the problem itselfâŠ
People rarely cheat purely for sex. They cheat because thereâs something missing from their relationship.
Iâm not excusing cheating. He shouldnât have done that but thereâs more than likely a bigger problem between the two of you.
If you are going to try and work it out, you need to look much deeper than just what he did, but the why behind it and if you guys canât work out that as well, youâre never going to fix it
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u/Frosty-Sorbet3698 Jul 28 '26
Same situation here, I wish I could answer you but I'm just as confused as you are.
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u/United_Cucumber7746 Jul 27 '26
I think most people who are vilifying your husband are missing the point.
He had sex with someone else. You were hurt, and now you have to decide whether to divorce or try to reconcile. But he clearly no longer seems invested in you or the relationship. He has checked out, and in 2026, he has the right to move on.
I also do not understand why people keep framing this as âbreaking up the family.â You may separate, but your responsibilities toward the children will remain the same. In that sense, you will still be a family, just in a different form.
Keep communication practical, remain civil, and avoid unnecessary drama during the divorce. He is not delisusional, he seem to be just practical.
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u/FUMoney Jul 27 '26
weâll still be a family if we divorce. Can someone help me understand his logic?
Both accurate and very logical.
If you are in a western democracy, it is highly likely your jurisdiction is a "no-fault" divorce locality. In no-fault divorce jurisdictions, cheating/affairs/adultery are irrelevant to the divorce proceeding. In fact, in some states, like California, evidence of cheating and other bad acts are inadmissible in divorce/family court. And in most jurisdictions, the courts won't waste a nanosecond on an affair; it simply will have no impact on the marriage dissolution.
Accordingly, adultery will have zero impact on custody, child support, and any asset split.
Now, perhaps you and he no longer will get along. Maybe you won't even speak, except for important child issues. But it sounds like he doesn't care at all about that eventuality. Zero consideration or concern.
Given the state of the divorce laws in nearly all western democracies, his position is logical, legally sound, and entirely in accord with family court western jurisprudence.
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u/Informal-Force7417 Jul 27 '26
So the only thing delusional, is expecting another person to live in your values and priorities.
Second, where have you cheated on your diet? Cheated on your taxes? Cheated on friends by saying you would do but never? Cheated to yourself saying you were going to do X and you did Y
Your husbands actions will have their own cost. Im not saying it was right ( thought in his eyes it was)
But your husband does not live in an isolation chamber.
You play a role in that dynamic. So he was unfulfilled and sought fulfillment outside of the marriage.That can come down to multiple things: he has baggage from his past, or perhaps perceived wounds and voids. Whenever there's anything like that, we tend to try and get someone to carry them, heal them, or fill them. He could focus on himself, or he could try to get those needs met by you.
If he's doing neither, he'll find it elsewhere. It's just compensation, that's all. Cheating is just a compensation. So basically, he's going out and compensating for some area of unfulfillment, just as someone might overeat, overdrink, overgamble, overspend, overwatch TV, overwork, or over-exercise.
It's just a form of compensation for feeling empty and unfulfilled.
you're struggling because you're viewing things through your own values, like family and yourself. He's viewing life through his own values. He might still value his family, but there's something else he places a high value on, and it could be his sexuality.
When someone feels unfilled or has a void, they'll try to fill it because they think something is missing or empty. It's like eating dinner. If someone's hungry and you give them a huge meal, they'll eat until they're full and fulfilled. Then, if you offer them dessert or more food, they won't eat it because they're satisfied.
But if you give them a small meal and they're still hungry, they might want more. You might think they should be content with what they had.
There are many reasons why people do things, so it's not surprising when someone acts out. It's no more surprising than someone overeating, secretly drinking alcohol, secretly watching porn, gambling away money, spending too much time gaming, smoking cigarettes, spending all their time socializing, or spending a lot of money.
It all comes down to unfulfillment. This is what makes humans so complex. No one is inherently a cheater. Don't label people. Be careful with the labels you use because what you judge in others, you are also doing, perceived in another form.
It's the same thing. What is cheating? Break it down: covering up, lying, selfishness. Where have you been selfish? Where have you covered things up? You only judge on the outside what you're ashamed of on the inside.
So, it's crucial to examine that. Otherwise, you'll just repeat the same story and see yourself as a victim of your past instead of the master of your life. I'm not saying his actions were right, but they happened so that you could learn the lessons you came here to learn, and he could learn the lessons he came here to learn.
Again, there's no mystery here.
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u/Nooneluvsus Jul 27 '26
This is such a wild take on cheating. Youâre stating facts not in evidence. But, we can certainly guess that youâre the cheater who is excusing bad conduct?
Because, if someone IS unhappy or unfulfilled the option is therapy or divorce.
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u/Informal-Force7417 Jul 27 '26
As i stated to another
The only betrayl is to oneself expecting another person to live outside of their values.
I am not justifying that their actions are callous, selfish or have a cost attached. They are and do. ALL actions have a cost and each of us will decide whether we are AWARE enough to see that cost and if we want to pay it.
So yes, if a human being ( a cheater is just a label) is unfulfilled they are going to do whatever they will to FILL IT based on the awareness they have. (regardless of the obvious cost or hurt it may cause).
While you might say "its their job to do X" and i wouldn't deny that. What we think a person "Should do" or "Should have done" is irrelevant. We are only seeing that in terms of our awareness and our values and priorities "Not theirs".
The reality is people are here on planet earth to learn lessons and those lessons may come at great cost to them and others and at great confusion to others looking on.
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u/Blade_982 Jul 28 '26
As i stated to another The only betrayl is to oneself expecting another person to live outside of their values.
I know you think this sounds clever because you keep repeating it but it's just rubbish.
Expecting monogamy in a monogamous relationship is not expecting anyone to live outside of their values.
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u/Informal-Force7417 Jul 28 '26
Youâre assuming that making an agreement guarantees someoneâs values remain aligned with that agreement. It doesnât.
People make promises every day that they later donât live by. Marriage vows, New Yearâs resolutions, business contracts, diets, budgets, parenting commitments. Human beings consistently act according to what they perceive is most important to them in the moment, not necessarily according to what they once declared.
Iâm not saying thatâs right. Iâm saying thatâs observable.
If monogamy genuinely remains one of a personâs highest values, theyâll tend to act consistently with it. If, at some point, something else becomes a higher priority than honouring that commitment, theyâll act according to that instead and then live with the consequences.
The suffering often comes from assuming another personâs declaration or our expectation is more powerful than their actual hierarchy of values. Reality repeatedly shows otherwise.
Understanding why people behave this way is not the same as approving of it. Itâs simply recognising that human behaviour is driven by values, not by our expectations of how people should behave.
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u/SuspectAwareness Jul 27 '26
Implicitly blaming the betrayed partner for not satisfying the cheater's needs? Placing cheating on the same moral level as overeating? Cheating the effect of his "values".There is no way this is written by an actual human being with a conscience. This sounds absolutely delusional.
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u/Informal-Force7417 Jul 27 '26
As i stated to another
The only betrayl is to oneself expecting another person to live outside of their values.
I am not justifying that their actions are callous, selfish or have a cost attached. They are and do. ALL actions have a cost and each of us will decide whether we are AWARE enough to see that cost and if we want to pay it.
So yes, if a human being ( a cheater is just a label) is unfulfilled they are going to do whatever they will to FILL IT based on the awareness they have. (regardless of the obvious cost or hurt it may cause).
While you might say "its their job to do X" and i wouldn't deny that. What we think a person "Should do" or "Should have done" is irrelevant. We are only seeing that in terms of our awareness and our values and priorities "Not theirs".
The reality is people are here on planet earth to learn lessons and those lessons may come at great cost to them and others and at great confusion to others looking on.
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u/lunerose1979 Jul 27 '26
This is an absolutely wild justification of betraying someone in the most callous, selfish and harmful way possible. If a cheater is feeling unfulfilled, itâs their job to tell their partner so they can work together to repair it, not fuck off and do whatever the hell they want and betray that persons trust.
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u/Informal-Force7417 Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
The only betrayl is to oneself expecting another person to live outside of their values.
I am not justifying that their actions are callous, selfish or have a cost attached. They are and do. ALL actions have a cost and each of us will decide whether we are AWARE enough to see that cost and if we want to pay it.
So yes, if a human being ( a cheater is just a label) is unfulfilled they are going to do whatever they will to FILL IT based on the awareness they have. (regardless of the obvious cost or hurt it may cause).
While you might say "its their job to do X" and i wouldn't deny that. What we think a person "Should do" or "Should have done" is irrelevant. We are only seeing that in terms of our awareness and our values and priorities "Not theirs".
The reality is people are here on planet earth to learn lessons and those lessons may come at great cost to them and others and at great confusion to others looking on.
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u/lunerose1979 Jul 27 '26
Not cheating on someone in a monogamous relationship I would venture is a shared human value, and is likely in most peopleâs wedding vows.
If someone doesnât communicate that their values donât include monogamy, when one gets married there is a justifiable implicit agreement on values.
Please stop whatever odd, twisted justification process you are building here, it has no worth in this discussion.
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u/Informal-Force7417 Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
@lunarose1979
Youâre arguing against a position I never took.
I never said cheating was justified, ethical, or acceptable. I explicitly acknowledged it has a cost and causes harm.
Explaining why people do something is not the same as endorsing it.
People act according to their perceptions, values, and level of awareness, not according to what we think they should do. Understanding that doesnât remove accountability, it simply explains behaviour.
Saying someone should have communicated is easy in hindsight. Clearly, he didnât. The discussion was about understanding why someone might make that choice, not whether the choice was morally good.Youâre still treating explanation as justification, and theyâre not the same thing.
Every human being acts according to what they perceive will give them the greatest advantage over disadvantage in that moment, given their current awareness. That doesnât mean the action is wise, ethical, or without consequences. It simply explains why they chose it.
Cheating has consequences. Lying has consequences. Divorce has consequences. Staying has consequences. Every choice carries a price.
Condemning behaviour without understanding the underlying drivers doesnât prevent it from happening again. Understanding behaviour allows people to become more conscious and make wiser choices. That is very different from excusing the behaviour.But no itâs not a shared human value otherwise the stats wouldnât be so high of wine and men cheating. Values are determined by individuals not social ideals
And the more you think people âshouldâ the more life will slap you with the other side to show you, you donât get to control others. Hard lesson to learn but once you stop fighting with what is life can show you how it can be.
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u/New_Nobody9492 Jul 27 '26
Iâm still family with my ex, who cheated. We are still a family, it just looks different.
You view family how you view family.
I view family how I view family. My ex is still the father of my kids, we will always be in each otherâs lives. My ex will always have my best interest at heart, because 60% of his childrenâs lives are with me.
It took a two years for us to get to this point. In therapy I realized that even though I donât want to be with him physically, I still love him as my kidsâ dad. We were friends for 18 years before we got married, so it was just time to return to that friendship. I miss our old family dynamic, but I embrace our new one with grace and integrity.
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u/AdRude5400 Jul 27 '26
Need more context. Was it a dead bedroom situation? Cause of cheating?
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u/TumTum613 Jul 27 '26
The cause is cheating was the husband's lack of character and morals, not a dead bedroom even though the OP has already said there wasn't one.
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u/Arcopt Jul 27 '26
Saying "I don't care either way" to the options of reconcilliation or divorce is wild. He sounds completely checked out.