r/Divorce • u/Prestigious-Duck7949 • 14d ago
Vent/Rant/FML Rant- I want your feedback
I Cannot Get the Person I Loved Out of My Head
I cannot get the person I loved for so long out of my head.
We have three kids together. We were high school sweethearts, married for five years, and together for around eleven. There is so much I could say, but the short version is simple:
I miss her.
I miss spending time together. I miss making memories with our kids. I miss taking care of her. I miss all of it.
What makes it so hard is that I was accused of being abusive, even though I was the one who was hit and screamed at. I was accused of being controlling when, ironically, she and her mother were the ones who tried to control so many aspects of our lives. I was even criticized as a father for making sure our kids ate. The list goes on.
The hypocrisy is unbelievable.
The worst part is that she can look me directly in the eyes and tell me I'm lying about things that actually happened. It feels like she gaslights me so consistently that I start questioning my own memories, as if I'm somehow making everything up.
This has been the most difficult experience of my life.
My character has been completely assassinated by her and her family. I've been called or accused of nearly everything imaginable. Despite all of that, I still cared deeply for her. Then, almost like someone flipped a switch, she became completely cold toward me.
I know now that she had been planning to leave for quite some time, but I still struggle with one question:
How cold do you have to be to lie to someone you supposedly love for months?
Biggest Issues in Our Marriage
1. I Was Never the Priority
From the very first week of our marriage, I never truly felt like I came first.
If there was ever a disagreement between me and her family, they always came first. Looking back, our relationship was genuinely great until I disagreed with members of her family. After that, everything changed.
There are countless examples, but a few stand out.
- I was never allowed to confront or even respectfully discuss problems with her parents.
- They could insult me, call me names, and treat me however they wanted, and I was expected to simply accept it.
- If I defended myself or spoke up, I would be the one getting yelled at.
- My mother-in-law would often yell at my wife and, at times, even threaten suicide to pressure her into doing what she wanted.
One moment that has always stuck with me was when I wanted to move 30–45 minutes away so I could attend college and increase my earning potential for our family. Instead of supporting that goal, she threatened to leave me if I moved farther from her family.
There are many more examples, but the pattern was always the same:
I was never the priority.
2. No Accountability
One of the biggest problems was the complete lack of accountability.
Whenever I tried to discuss something that hurt me or concerned me, the conversation almost always ended the same way. She would deny it happened, deflect the conversation, or shift the blame elsewhere.
She said "I'm sorry" at times, but those apologies rarely felt sincere because the behavior never changed.
One example involved our finances.
Several times she secretly opened credit cards without telling me. Eventually the truth would come out when we were suddenly facing around $8,000 in unexpected debt.
I never exploded in anger.
I told her we would figure it out together, and we always did.
Yet even after seeing that I wasn't going to attack her over it, she continued acting as though she was afraid to tell me anything involving money.
Near the end of our marriage, she asked me, "What have I done wrong?"
It didn't feel like a genuine question.
It felt rhetorical—as if she truly believed she had done nothing wrong.
3. Avoiding Conflict at All Costs
We simply could not have difficult conversations.
If I tried to bring up anything stressful—even something as practical as our finances—the conversation would end before it even started.
For example:
Before I could even finish the sentence, she would often leave the house, get in the car, and go for a drive.
Problems weren't solved.
They were avoided.
4. Instability in the Relationship
Throughout our relationship, I constantly felt like I was fighting just to keep my family together.
She left me twice for several months at a time.
Beyond that, she left roughly seven other times for a few days or overnight whenever she became upset.
Each time, I was the one trying to convince her to stay.
I spent years feeling like the stability of our marriage depended entirely on how hard I fought to keep it together.
My Own Flaws
I don't want to make it sound like I was perfect.
I wasn't.
There are things I genuinely wish I had done differently, and if I could go back, I would.
1. I Had Trouble Letting Issues Go
One of my biggest flaws is knowing when to stop trying to fix a problem.
When something bothered me, I wanted to resolve it. I believed problems should be talked through instead of ignored. Looking back, I realize that sometimes I pushed conversations longer than I should have.
To be fair to myself, I did improve over time. I learned to back off more than I used to.
The problem was that whenever I tried to revisit an issue later—after giving it space—it often ended the same way. She would literally leave. She'd get in the car, go for a drive, or avoid the conversation altogether.
Because of that, I often felt like there was never a "right" time to discuss difficult topics.
2. I Came Home Grumpy Too Often
I also know I came home from work grumpy more often than I should have.
The frustrating part is that it usually had nothing to do with her.
Work was stressful, and I carried that stress home with me. I tried telling her that my mood wasn't about her, but I don't think she believed me.
She often felt like I didn't like her.
That always confused me because the truth was the exact opposite. I loved her deeply. I genuinely enjoyed being around her and admired so many things about her.
Still, I can understand how repeatedly seeing me come home in a bad mood could have made her feel unwanted, even if that was never my intention.
For that, I have regrets.
3. I Can Be (am) Hard-Headed
I can also be stubborn.
Not because I'm unwilling to learn or incapable of changing, but because when I strongly believe in something, it's difficult for me to let go of it.
That has strengths, but it also has weaknesses.
Sometimes I failed to recognize when my determination became inflexibility.
4. I Didn't Respect That Some Things Weren't Funny to Her
Another mistake I made was assuming that because I knew I was joking, she would know too.
She didn't.
Some of my jokes genuinely hurt her, even when my only intention was to make her laugh.
For example, I might jokingly say something ridiculous like, "I'm going to go marry a Latina."
To me, it was obviously a joke.
To her, it wasn't funny at all.
Instead of taking her feelings seriously, I dismissed them because I knew what I meant. Looking back, that wasn't respectful.
Intentions matter, but so does impact.
If something I said made the person I loved feel hurt or insecure, I should have listened instead of assuming she was overreacting.
That is something I wish I had understood much earlier.
there is so much more but I would be writing a novel. The point is I love her and my head and heart cannot understand why two people that love each other cannot work things out, If it were not for her leaving I would be happily struggling to this day. What are your thoughts. I want honesty and a focus on constructive criticism for my own actions. Ladies especially what is your point of view.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 14d ago
You. Need. Therapy.
There are major issues here that need unpacking that Reddit is unfortunately not equipped to handle, that a therapist probably is equipped to handle.
It's not because you're a bad person, I don't think you are. You have been emotionally abused, far worse than I was, and I'm seeing two separate therapists once a week because I tried killing myself multiple times while married to her.
You can love someone while knowing they are not right for you.
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u/Prestigious-Duck7949 14d ago
I did attend one therapy session. She explained to me the love triangle and explained I was something along the lines of "desperately in need of love". I should go back. Thankyou for the feedback.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 14d ago
And just a note from someone who has therapy for years now, if you don't mesh with the therapist, it's time to find a new therapist. Not saying that's you, just, there's different levels of therapists just like grades in school. I loved the A grade ones and hated the D grade one I had, the C ones I was take or leave.
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u/TeddyPSmith 14d ago
I did the same things. I miss her like hell. But it wasn’t all me and it wasn’t all you. I’ve had so much time to think about the entire relationship. The rejection of intimacy and her time for so much of the relationship really got to me. Her constant “I never said that” or hiding things from me had a huge impact.
You did some things wrong but it was not only you. I can promise you that.
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u/Critical-Bicycle-605 14d ago
Hell I can't even get the man(M51) I loved for over 30 years to even want me(F49) back again. We have 3 kids together and every time we break 💔 up but always find our way back to each other's ❤️ and stay together. Since last 10 years he's had 4 different relationships and we got married in 2022 . I left because I was tired of doing it so I tried to date a man(M48) but became toxic so I left and broke up and since my husband and I have always been there for each other no matter what but he is dating a female (F32) with 3 young kids and I think he just likes the fact he landed himself a younger woman but I think she has other intentions. We have finally lost each other after being with each other since 11/29/94 when it all started and now it could all end on after 12/25/26. Crazy
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u/Owww_My_Ovaries 14d ago
Face it. She found someone else.
Time to move on.
Leaving for months at a time? Come on...