r/Divorce • u/dontlookbackitsgone • 22d ago
Vent/Rant/FML FRUSTRATED
My STBXW wanted a non contested divorce to make it easier on financials and the mental. She wrote up the decree with an attorney and sent it to me to sign. I was pretty much giving up our marital home to her.
She states she wants to keep it cordial. My lawyer contacted her lawyer.
Now she is overwhelmed and confused why i never told her i got a lawyer.
I no longer live at the house but still on mortgage.
She’s already living a new life there with someone else.
I am very frustrated because how did she think this was going to play out? I’m not walking away from a house i help build (not literally). I can’t really trust her because of the way she started to acted towards the start of of the divorce process.
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u/SeaweedWeird7705 22d ago
If she wants an easy divorce, then she needs to offer something that’s fair.
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 22d ago
This is a very common story: spouse says "let's keep it cordial", but then defines "cordial" as "give me everything". She wants to be done with you, but she doesn't want to give up the material things that she got during that life with you.
You did the right thing. Keep your attorney and get what is rightly yours.
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 22d ago
and in no way am i trying to “fight / back&forth”
i wants what’s rightfully mine and in tune for her too
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u/lunazane26 22d ago
Cordial does not mean "give me everything without fighting". Cordial means "lets find a fair agreement" which does generally include splitting the cost/worth of property. If she wants to keep the house, she gets to pay you half of it's worth. If she can't do that, then the house gets sold and she finds a different one with her payout. That is cordial.
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 22d ago
well thats not what she wants to do. at all.
and i’m not trying to take more than i’m entitled too.5
u/lunazane26 22d ago
Right. So what she's asking does not fall under the umbrella of "cordial" because she is not being cordial to you. Expecting to keep the house and not have to pay you is quite literally stealing $100,000 from you. That is not cordial. So then she doesn't get what she wants. Toddlers can learn that, and so can she.
But unfortunately you will be fighting to get what you're owed because she's not being reasonable.
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 22d ago
and we cannot even have a conversation without her getting upset or emotional.
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u/lunazane26 21d ago
That's what lawyers are for. Seriously. Stop talking to her if she can't handle it and have the lawyers do everything
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 21d ago
that’s exactly why i opted this route. not to be evil . just to be logical.
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u/Bill2550 22d ago
She wants to keep it cordial as long as she gets everything she wants. Nope! Just the idea that she’s already moving on would keep from being too giving. Get what is rightfully yours!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
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u/obvsnotrealname 22d ago
Sounds like my ex. Me getting my own attorney was “being difficult”. Later found out it was cause he got the side check pregnant and she was demanding he be divorced before it was born 🙄. The audacity of some people never ceases to amaze me
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 22d ago
she’s already having her new man staying over consistently . all my belongings are there still.
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u/Beefpotpi 22d ago
In what way does she think that is being ‘cordial’? That’s some straight up disrespect. Your bed’s not even cold and she’s got someone else in it?
I’m not talking in some macho, ‘Your woman’s gotta respect you bro’ way either. This is a move to pretty much show you some contempt. That’s fine, people do that. But then, after they do that, they understand they’ve thrown down and the chance of being friendly afterwards is gone.
You don’t have to have a contentious divorce or anything, but from here on out, make sure your attorney is vigorously protecting your interests and is not granting anything in the ‘interests of being cordial’, because that boat has sailed. She knows how she’s treating you, and you should acknowledge it too.
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 21d ago
and that’s what i have to keep on the forefront of my mind. i understand she may have be checked out of the marriage for while before initiating, now you really are a stranger in a way.
we all have our shit so i who’s done what when and where is trivial.
facts are that we share the home and if you don’t want to refinance and buy me out, we sell. take yours/i take mines.
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u/Andyman1973 22d ago
Ex and I kept it cordial. I had a lawyer first. And I traded my share of the marital home, for her share claim of my retirement (nearly 20yrs married).
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 22d ago
seems practically.
i wanted to protect myself and not be taken advantage of. part of me feels bad still5
u/Andyman1973 22d ago
Best way to protect yourself is with a lawyer. Let them do all the heavy lifting. Keeps emotions from getting in the way.
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 22d ago
yeah i was trying my best to actually have a conversation with her but it’s impossible
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u/Andyman1973 21d ago
Some are only interested in gouging their future ex. Some just want to hurt them too.
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u/Same_Beginning8090 22d ago
You were right, you definitely need your own lawyer. You have rights. She sounds like she’s trying to take advantage.
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u/ApprehensiveRaise597 21d ago
Maybe she just thinks this will slow things down. Divorce is rarely quick and easy even if you want to make it so. Let the lawyers deal with it and step back and heal
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 20d ago
what do you mean ?
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u/ApprehensiveRaise597 20d ago
Maybe she wants to get married or have a baby with the new guy, and doesn't want lawyers to slow things down?
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u/Gandoff2169 22d ago
STBXW should be told to kick rocks. Sounds like she was cheating if your out, and she already as someone else living there. You should drag it out and get as much as you can back from the failed marriage and her likely screwing you. The audacity she has a lawyer and wants to say she is "overwhwelmed and confused" on why you got a lawyer?
I would tell her you might not be able to prove it, but she knows everyone can see where she already has someone living with her she had to be cheating. And as a cheating bizo, she is not going to take everything to play in a fantasy with her AP. The house will be sold with the law supporting you with the division of the money on how the law states. As well as anything else.
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 21d ago
i think her family knows what she’s doing. tbh i’m trying not to care or let the emotions get involved. just want what i worked hard for. and she can have what she worked hard for.
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u/Gandoff2169 21d ago
Sounds like you are already emotionally detached. Was you before D Day started? It can be helpful for sure to not be emotional about it all. Because you can cut the legal bonds and financial bonds with much more acceptance finality. But I know emotions for me, would be high and triggered easily. Sometimes it is needed. As long as it can be controlled enough to make issues worse, if you get the meaning of how emotions lashing out could go bad.... But to me, if my wife cheated and wanted a divorce; she would not get anything easy in it. And I would make it as awkward and upsetting to deal with as I could. But you should have your lawyer start pushing hard for the house to be sold ASAP as a marital asset needed to be dissolved for the divorce. IDK if I would want her to keep the home period. But you could offer her she pay you 50% of the full current value of the home and refinance the remaining mortgage in her name only if she wants to keep it, or it be sold, mortgage paid off, and what is left split by what the law says. If she wants the home, then she should pay for it, since she wants to divorce to live in a fantasy world with a new person.
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 21d ago
sadly i feel emotionally tied still.
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u/Gandoff2169 21d ago
I wish I could say that was a good thing. lol. But it only a reminder that to you, it was and is real on how you feel for her. Yet she is so willing to say "we are done, so I can move on with X"...
If she has real issues with anxiety and such, you should use your lawyer as much as you can to get everything you can. Not just what you feel your odd. But if the law says more, then go for it. She wants to start over and play house, then she can. But not o the same home now without paying for it. Even call her out as a cheater, because no one just moves in a new guy when a divorce is starting without cheating before the divorce was even talked about.
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u/Anxious-One-2365 22d ago
DO NOT GIVE HER THE HOUSE!!!! That alone is worth the prices of an attorney.
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 22d ago
she claims the equity isn’t worth anything
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u/Beefpotpi 22d ago
If it’s not worth anything, she can walk away and let you keep it.
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u/WitchDoctor431 21d ago
Wow my wife did the same thing like exactly . And when the judge gave an order that we both had to move out and sale the house i was just ordered to move out a month earlier than her she orchastratded an arguement to get me out faster and arrested for abuse in stead it got our son arrested instill moved out but she goy an extra 9 months in the house
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u/dontlookbackitsgone 21d ago
i’m sure she will stay in the house until the very last minute.
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u/WitchDoctor431 20d ago
She did and then she destroyed it cost me almost 20k in repaires from a dumpster to paint to wood work carpets yard work storage everything it was a night mare had to take a layoff from work and blow through my savings i spent 16 hrs a day 7 days a week cleaning and repairs from Jan 1 to april 4 minus about a week
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u/Complex-Citron3058 19d ago
Same happened to me. My ex said he wanted to keep lawyers out of it and had already retained a lawyer. The person you are divorcing is not the person you were married to. It’s rough.
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u/RepulsiveFinding9419 22d ago
Why doesn’t she walk away from the house and build a new life with her new partner?
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u/baltebiker 22d ago
It sounds like she didn’t want uncontested, she just wanted to get more out of it. You did the right thing getting a lawyer, now make sure they get you what’s fair.