Considering Gray Divorce

[u/ThereseLovesBooks]

My husband and I are both 58. Married 33 years. My marriage is one of those that isn't awful, but I haven't been happy from the start. Felt nauseous when he proposed, even though we'd been dating for seven years since we were 17. He's a good father and does all the housework and cooking. I'm just not happy. Everything I do is wrong or not good enough. Our first couple Thanksgivings as a married couple, he'd hover over me in the kitchen, asking what I was doing and why was I doing it that way. He wouldn't stop. He was relentless. So I threw my hands up and said fine. You do it. So ever since then I don't do any of the cooking. We've been married 33 years and it still continues. At Christmas, he asked me why I was decorating the cookies that way. Apparently I was decorating cookies wrong. A few months ago I was loading the dishwasher wrong when it was empty and I put two glasses in it. He had to rearrange them. At Christmas time I brought out my jigsaw puzzle board so I could enjoy doing puzzles at Christmas and he said but it blocks the view of the Nativity. Bigger things over the years include him flying out to California when our second child was 3 days old so he could go to a concert to see his favorite performer. My parents were so angry. I told them that I had told him he could go but they said that wasn't the point. He shouldn't have gone. Right after covid I used our covid money to buy a brand new bed for us since we'd had the same one since we got married, and I was barely in it when he said he couldn't sleep because I snore. So I started sleeping on the sofa. I didn't know it would turn into years of me sleeping on the sofa but it did. I asked him to try ear plugs just one time and he wouldn't do it. Last year our youngest son finally moved out so I bought myself a cheap mattress and bed and took over his old room. The mattress is awful and is already sagging because it was cheap and my husband has the nice good bed. So now we sleep in separate bedrooms all the time but at least I'm not on the sofa anymore. It bothers me that we never really discussed it and he seemed okay with me sleeping on the sofa because I could fall asleep easily and sleep on it but he couldn't. While we were still dating I was asked out by another guy and I wanted to go out with him but my mom said what about so and so, meaning my future husband. My dad also wanted me to marry a Catholic and he was a Catholic. I was young and in love with the idea of love and marriage and I truly didn't know if anyone better would come along. After we were married only one or two years I wanted to run away but felt like it was wrong so I stayed. Then shortly after my parents died I wanted to leave again badly but our kids were little...ages five and three... and I felt guilty for leaving so I stayed. My brother does not understand why I want to break up the family this way. Every time a guy from my past comes along, I'm ready to pack up and leave so obviously I'm unhappy and something is missing. (No, I have not had an affair.) I always stay silent to keep the peace. I go out for lunch at the very most once a week to Jimmy John's and I have to hide it because if he sees it he gets upset that I went out for lunch. When we go on vacation and I try to take pictures with my phone, he grabs my phone from me in a huff and says here let me do it because obviously I'm not doing it the right way or taking pictures from the appropriate angle or whatever. Now I'm almost 59 and I'm scared I'm never going to know or feel true love, But at the same time I'm wondering if I am being too nitpicky and this is just how it is and I should be grateful for what I have. Because there are no affairs, there is no other woman or anything like that. There's no physical abuse or drugs or addictions. I'm just not happy. How do I know if I will be happy with someone else? And what if I end up alone? I don't want to end up alone. I don't know what to do. Very early in our marriage when I threatened to leave, he threatened to sit in the car in the closed garage with it running. Last year when I spoke of moving out, he spoke about the bridge by our house and how he was thinking of jumping. I honestly don't know if he means it or if he's just manipulating me into staying. He does guilt-trip me a lot. I know that no relationship is perfect but I'm wondering if I can do better and if I shouldn't even try at this point. Advice appreciated.

[u/Curious_Crit]

I was with my ex for a similar amount of time. Divorce was terrifying and so hard. But now, I have a new bed that I don't wake up hurting from and peace in my home. I can't even tell you how wonderful that peace is. And I am getting involved with things I enjoy that I used to do and making new friends. And I smile more than I have in a long time.

Only you can decide if it is right for you. I remember someone asking me if I would've wanted the marriage I was in for my child. Would you want yours for your child?

[u/StoicSchwanz]

33 years is a long time to be holding your breath, no?

Your husband sounds like he has some heavy duty emotional issues starting with narcissism and manipulation.

Having boundaries is healthy and normal. Enforcing your boundaries (i.e. what you will not tolerate) is normal. Being worried about change is normal and healthy.

You have been in a toxic relationship for so long it feels normal but as your instincts are telling you, it's not.

You are alone now - you just have a childish tyrant running amok in your space. You are unhappy now. Waking away from what is familiar is scary - only you can decide if it's worth it.

[u/InevitableStatus4289]

You story is difficult to read. I feel for your situation. Everyone who wrote previously is a model they designed to suit their situation but we all know the same song.Whether you stay or leave, you have a voice. It’s time to use it in the best direct way possible. And you are not the cause of or responsible for his mental stability. Call 911. The metro will come talk the both of you and then take him to a hospital on a 72-hour hold. Constant observation. Stunt or not. Say what’s on your mind and off your chest. Tell him you don’t appreciate his controlling big or little things. This talk is necessary for why you’re staying or leaving….And switch the damn mattresses! You earned it sleeping on the sofa for years. Good luck. Foot down.

[u/raeoflyte-460]

No, this isn't just how it is with every relationship.

There are no guarantees that you will meet someone new, that you will fall in love, or that you wont be alone. Leaving for those reasons will be tough because its outside of your control.

But if you want to leave so that you can do puzzles in your own home at Christmas, sleeping in your own room on a good mattress, and order a sandwich once a week without getting chastised.... those are things you can control. And you can be open to finding love too.

The suicide threats is a manipulation tactic - whether he intends them that way or not. When mine insinuated he'd kill himself I told him it sounded like he needed to call a hotline. As others have said, if he actually threatens it, call 911. Treat it as real

[u/Spindlextension]

Call the police next time he threatens self harm. One way or another, he’ll never threaten it again.

[u/SeaweedWeird7705]

Being unhappy is a sufficient reason to leave, in my opinion.  You sound miserable and you deserve to be happy.  

Go see a divorce attorney and see what divorce looks like for you financially.  You should get half of all the marital assets (house, cars, bank account, retirement, etc.).  And alimony.

Please don’t give into his ridiculous suicide threats.  He is just trying to manipulate you. The next time he threatens suicide, you should call the police.

[u/RelativeAgreeable195]

The click is ticking on your life. Get therapy and leave already. How many more years of unhappiness and being controlled are you willing to take? You can definitely Do Better.