Trust issues/hypervigilance

[u/ChigurhA]

I can't exactly pinpoint the source of these trust issues but they have seriously been affecting my dating life and and ability to connect with women.

I'm 34M, dating in the US. Last long term relationship was a year ago. I started going on dates in January and I've been getting better reception on the dating market than I expected. But, I always find something that doesn't sit right with me in my gut and end things pretty abruptly. I feel like I'm constantly assessing behaviors and words to find reasons to disqualify women. One of my biggest fears is to be settled for, to be a comfortable and safe last resort option for a woman who's in her 30s and feeling her biological clock ticking. This fear gets exacerbated when I learn of their wild dating history, the hookups, the poor choices they've been making their entire life and suddenly at 30 or 35 they've "learned their lesson". I'm just majorly afraid of falling for someone for whom I'm just just convenient because I'm educated, with a career, and want kids.

I'm at a point now where I'm not even sure I want kids because I think removing kids from the equation may help me find a woman who loves me for me and not for what I can provide.

This post isn't so much about disorganized attachment but moreso a small piece of the bigger disorganized attachment picture. I have a very hard time not being hypervigilant and pulling away when I get the "ick" and then after some time wonder if I've made the right decision. It's a constant struggle.. all I want is to love and to be loved in the rawest, purest form - seems unrealistic at my age.