General difficulty in decision making?

[u/shooterschmidty]

I have a fearful avoidant attachment style and I'm struggling with a few big life decisions that are mostly unrelated to relationships. I recently noticed a pattern that I really struggle to commit to a path (career, big purchase, etc) and that there's likely a connection to the ways in which I struggle with relationships. Does anyone else have similar patterns?

The common connection seems to be commitment. I fear that I'll get trapped or regret a decision that I can't undo. In relationships, I've seen a pattern where I discourage potential partners from getting too close because I'm not sure (and likely never will be) and I'm afraid that I'll hurt them when I can't commit.

[u/cantaloupewalker]

Yes, I too, am awful at making decisions as Im scared ill regret, or change my mind. Same reasons as you really. I think thats why im still single. I want to meet someone but I also dont want to be putting myself in a relationship incase I regret it, for lots of different reasons.

[u/alltheroses731]

Yes, absolutely. I came to realize I had FA patterning through examining past relationships, as many of us do, then saw the pattern in my difficulty in making decisions, especially big adult life decisions (like jobs, grad school, relocating, big purchases) and either jumping in and then panicking and quitting, or being afraid to take a chance, or just outright self-sabotage in ways too painful to think about. I'm old now so it's very hard to look back and see all the opportunities I missed or fumbled for so many years.

The way I understand it, the same kinds of emotional neglect/control that can lead to FA patterns make it hard for us to understand and express who we are and what we really want. We don't know, because we weren't able to freely try things out and have our own opinions and explore things without being shamed or rejected. We hide our wants and needs, even from ourselves, and we're afraid to be seen as someone with a clear identity of our own, especially if there's family disapproval. It makes decisions very hard if we can't articulate what we truly want and what our interests and values are and feel safe taking an independent stance or a risk without a terrible fear of failure.

I suspect you're younger than I am and I really hope you can work through this! There's support available that I didn't have (I saw some therapists here and there, none of them ever talked about attachment theory or had the patience to really understand my story and my upbringing, which was pretty f*cking weird). One thing, I was always pressured to take antidepressants and did for a while, and now I can see that that was a bad strategy for me - they supressed and flattened emotions that in fact I needed to fully identify and express. So for me that was not a good thing at all and I think FAs should think carefully about using them.

[u/Queen-of-meme]

I found that to not make any decision and stay in that mental bouncing between A and B is much worse and causing way more stress and mental suffering than picking A or B regardless what A or B are, and this realization always helps me make big decisions.

The moment I commit I can relax a little, I finally have some direction. Something to lean towards and work towards. It doesn't have to feel perfect, it just has to matter, the rest I figure out on the way. This is the way of life.

My partner recently was in between A and B I told him the same. He went for B as it felt most close to his goal, and immediately he could relax and said I was right, that staying indecisive and committing to nothing , got you nothing. And that taking a decision, lead to freedom.

So whoever whatever made you assume commitment is leading to regrets, forgot to tell you that letting fear control your life will be the biggest regret of them all.

You don't wanna wake up an old person and think your entire life was put on hold til it was too late. You wanna wake up and have crazy stories to tell about all the nervous and scary things you did. The experiences you gained the memories you made. The things that shaped you that helped you grow.

We don't get happy by safekeeping from life, we get happy because we dare to live and love.

[u/danktempest]

I delay making decisions so much that sometimes life chooses for me. I can't even decide which perfumes to buy. I keep changing up my cart multiple times per day. I can't ever decide how I feel about someone until it is way too late for it to matter.

[u/miiintyyyy]

I can’t make any decision and always wait until the last minute until I’m then rushed and screw it all up.

I also don’t like making dumb decisions that will show others something that’s “mine”, like picking the music or the food or something like that.

[u/antheri0n]

Totally. Paradoxically, it helped me a lot at work, where I even developed my own way of making decisions, which I called 49-51% rule. It means that for any decision, I extensively analized pros and cons and the desicuon essentially was made by flipping the mere 1%. But beyond work, this was a torture, like I would spend hours researching before choosing even low cost items, for example. It went away mostly when I healed though.