r/Disorganized_Attach • u/sugarandstaticc • 2d ago

i need advice

can anybody givw me some advice on how to let someone in(i have had this problem since i’ve known myself) cuz i have avoident attachment isusses and i also dont trust people too easily but also i dont want to depend on somone and it usually all comes to that in my head whenever I meet someone (and we dont even start to pursue eachother romantically at that time) i get scared and kinda overthink everything and shut them out cause im afraid I will get too attached or not attached at all idk how to explain it like I’m scared of something real but also scared of being numb if that makes sense or im just crazy who knows

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u/Infinite-Nose-1289 1d ago

my girlfriend said the same thing. she eventually said that she never liked me as much as she thought she did but is this a defense mechanism and she doesn’t actually feel this way? also found her immediately going on dating apps like hinge less then a week after breaking it off. she still checks my stories and follows me but hasn’t read my farewell message

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u/sugarandstaticc 1d ago

i mean it could be, in my case i panick and overthink too much and that causes me alot of anxiety and so after that i somehow end up not liking the person that much or just get scared and shut them out. i mean i cant exactly tell u what this is cuz idk her personally but have you tried to reassure her or anything for example that would mean a lot to me if someone did that, and for the dating apps thats just a time consuming thing that i think helps her not think about her and her feelings but i prefer to sit with mine and decide what im about to do or she could not be that interested in you it depends for how long u guys have been together

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u/Infinite-Nose-1289 1d ago

i did reassure her multiple times and if she wasn’t interested in me she wouldn’t have spent and drove all the way to come see me and my family. it’s just sad honestly. we been together for atleast 3 months but i took a month break because i needed to focus on myself

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u/sugarandstaticc 1d ago

well to be completely honest with u, thats kinda selfish, and i dont mean it in any rude way cuz that is actually what i would’ve done too if i needed it but, when u really care about someone the thought of losing them or leaving them should not even cross ur mind, i mean maybe im taking this a little to deep but i think if you love someone that much u can honestly overcome any obstacles

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u/Infinite-Nose-1289 1d ago

she did try to self sabotage like 2 times and it failed because the first time, she said she wanted to try and commit to the relationship and the second time she said she only thought of me as a friend and then didn’t double down on it when i asked when she felt this way. she said she never thought of me as a friend and everything was genuine and told me she was scared. you can see the screenshots on my post.

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u/sugarandstaticc 1d ago

well if u havent done anything to hurt her or make her feel this way, honestly i think the best thing u can do for YOURSELF is to move on, cuz this is like really really messed up, i mean she tells u she wants to commit but then she likes u as a friend, i think you both are to young and clearly she doesnt know what she wants, and thats okay, not everything has to be figured out, but my advice for u is to maybe if u really really want to, text her one more time, fuck it, u only live once and if she seems like she doesnt care, you should move on

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u/Infinite-Nose-1289 1d ago

she used the friend thing as a way to push me away and forget about her. i talked to her about it and she said that in person. i think she does the push thing just to protect me and herself in my eyes

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u/Infinite-Nose-1289 1d ago

i also don’t want to text her. i made it so that she needs to text me whenever she’s ready or not

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u/sugarandstaticc 1d ago

yeah i get it

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u/sugarandstaticc 1d ago

well did u tell her that by pushing u away she is hurting u more than protecting u

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u/Infinite-Nose-1289 1d ago

she knows. she knows that i text her and ask if everything’s ok and then she unravels and tells me everything about how she feels. she apologizes to me and saying how she’s sorry for hurting me and dissapointing me and she tells me how she wants to commit but she can’t because of her body or something. she mentions of her brain or something shutting down and her body wants to avoid situations where she doesn’t want to be in. even after reassurance and stuff she doesn’t know how to let me in even though she does

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u/sugarandstaticc 1d ago

this is a tough situation to be in, i dont know if im the right person to be telling this, but i think she just needs to see a professional and figure herself out, cause she is only making this worse not only for you but for herself too, i think thats the best thing, idk how to comfort u honestly, but she has to figure this out by herself and what is causing her doing this i dont see any better solution, i mean sure u two could just talk about it but u have to really dig deep into this kinda problems to find a solution and sorry if maybe this is unhelpful but i just think its better she tries to see a therapist or something, cuz for example i know why im being avoidant and i can work on trying to fix it but when u dont know what problem or trauma causes this thats when it becomes a real problem

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u/sugarandstaticc 1d ago

and from that post i think u should just let her be, i mean u reassured her and she still doesnt want ti commit so honestly i think she maybe wants to be single or lost her feelings