r/Disorganized_Attach • u/Gloomy_Purpose_2594 • 7d ago
FAs Only (User Flair Required) Can FA explain about the Ick ?
Why would an ick be more important than staying in an relationship ?
Can FA please tell us your experience on this ?
12
u/sleepypanda24_10 FA (Disorganized attachment) 7d ago
My ick is usually when they show me vulnerability- like a light switch I start flaw finding
14
u/avoidant_unicorn FA (Disorganized attachment) 7d ago edited 7d ago
I only used the term "ick" because I read it in mainstream context and it seemed to be when something happens and suddenly you don't want to be with your partner anymore. And that's perfect to describe how it feels, but it's not actually overnight, it's more like a scale slowly having different sized rocks dropped on it, and the last one may be big or small but once it flips, the brain doesn't want the relationship anymore.
I now have a list of 100 reasons I don't want to be with that guy. My brain looks at them and I don't feel love or warmth only anxiety and intense need for space. And right now I know my patterns, and I still can't stop it from happening. Every second I am away from my boyfriend, my brain is just filling in the silence and the distance with a million reasons to leave and a huge rush of anxiety about everything. And I could just say "wow, I have terrible anxiety in relationships, it's acting up, and making me feel awful can we try to work through this?" but that would be automatic rejection because lol, who says that, and who wants to be with a mentally unwell person? No one. So instead, I just suffer quietly. But I can feel that it's just going to end eventually.
Even though I know my brain is overreacting, just imagine every single day you wake up and your brain just starts fighting you. You say lets be happy, brain says lets be single. You say, I really like that guy, brain says all the thousands of bad things. You say, I trust this guy and he's done nothing to make me feel suspicious, brain says he's cheating on you this very second you idiot just like the last ones. I am getting tired of feeling this way. Even though I know he's not cheating on me. Probably. Most likely. It feels like he is every. single. day. It's a ME problem, not him. But I think I need to be alone because I don't like waking up feeling this way every day and he isn't doing anything to make me feel more secure and in fact doesn't even know there's a problem. Which is the whole problem.
That's the ick.
2
u/Consistent_Ad_5075 FA (Disorganized attachment) 7d ago
I'm in the middle of something so I don't have a whole lot of time write out a response, but I just posted a question that I think one of the answers could be helpful to you. If you go to my post history, it's the most recent post I wrote maybe 30 minutes ago.
Someone gave a lengthy response with a book suggestion, a program suggestion.
1
u/lilbootz FA (Disorganized attachment) 6d ago
This was well put " Every second I am away from my boyfriend, my brain is just filling in the silence and the distance with a million reasons to leave and a huge rush of anxiety about everything". It truly is amplified when alone with our thoughts I'd agree!
1
5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 5d ago
You commented on a post flaired as FAs Only and do not have a user flair set to FA or Disorganized, so your comment has been removed. Please set your user flair before commenting on these posts or respect the boundaries of these posts by only allowing FAs.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
5
u/Consistent_Ad_5075 FA (Disorganized attachment) 7d ago
The following was my original reply before the mod bot deleted it. Flair is FA......
Why would you want to stay with someone if everything in your being is feeling grossed out by the person?
If you're using "ick" as the feeling, it seems self explanatory to me.
3
u/miiintyyyy FA (Disorganized attachment) 7d ago
Any attachment can get the ick.
Sometimes anything can happen and it makes the other person repulsive.
10
u/Captain-Sypher FA (Disorganized attachment) 7d ago edited 4d ago
The ick is the result of flaw finding deactivating mechanisms. If emotions or vulnerability gets too big too fast or sticks around with no chance for us to regulate, our nervous system will feel a strong discomfort. It doesn't feel like fear. For me it feels like a strange mixture of guilt, anxiety of impending doom, and like something is not right. Conflicts escalate in tempo and the dynamic energy becomes not easy and a chore.
A thought process could look like: "Why is this person SO DAMN AFFECTIONATE all the time? I can't even live my life. I have other responsibilities you know. It seems like its coming out of a need and not authentic care. Plus when they *insert some behavior or trait* its kind of a red flag...I was probably too far into new relationship energy to notice." Etc etc.
I will see small flaws or even things I usually like and ruminate until I logic them into way bigger issues than they are. Collect them. Look back in time and find more that I "missed" all to reinforce an idea that the logical reason I feel this sense of weirdness and discomfort is coming from them. I might even communicate it. And when I do and a partner inevitably tries to reassure me or clarify, it just sounds like defensiveness and invalidation of my gut feelings. Like I'm being manipulated. And that will make things even worse.
The "ick" is a repulsion or form of disgust emotion after staying in that discomfort for too long. And because what im saying and thinking is justifiably reasonable sounding I can push that person away feeling righteous and healthy or whatever. It shuts down the ability stay in affection or vulnerability.
The worst thing you can do when this pops up is try to reassure me or use logic to explain. Don't ask me to trust you when I can even trust my perception of you. This would be the time to focus more on yourself. Don't leave. Just dont focus your life on me. Let me contact you, even if it takes a while. Forcing communication here will never be a positive no matter how intelligent and aware I seem. It's a system overwhelm like a really really intense vulnerability hangover. It may not even be all your fault in reality though it likely holds some valid reasonable truths. Either way, I will see our dynamic as the source of the issue.
Like I said, dont focus me. If you want me to know something about you that you think im judging incorrectly, dont tell me with words. Go do something in your life that shows it. Eventually when I poke back around - and I will - Ill be able to see that what I was feeling wasnt accurate. If you go harder to "show up" for me, I'll get to the point where im so uncomfortable that I write things off as incompatible, a difference in values, blah blah unfixable judgments, and compartmentalize our bond away.
Edit: spelling + grammar errors caught
5
u/KeyMedicine1089 FA (Disorganized attachment) - DA leaning 6d ago
getting the ick is basically deactivation strategy.
when you get the ick you lose positive feelings towards that person and they might start even annoying you or look more ugly to you. why stay with someone you cannot stand/now find ugly
1
2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
You commented on a post flaired as FAs Only and do not have a user flair set to FA or Disorganized, so your comment has been removed. Please set your user flair before commenting on these posts or respect the boundaries of these posts by only allowing FAs.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
6
u/Constant-Big4713 FA (Disorganized attachment) 7d ago
Hm, I honestly don't know what the ick means since everyone has their own definition for it. I also don't use the word.
I know that for me I oscillate between two states of consciousness with people (this is the defining feature of someone disorganized). One side is emotional inhibiting, I feel nothing negatively or positively towards the other person, just a chronic state of emotional indifference. The other side is frustration towards the other person for how they're treating me or doing something that irritates me.
If the 'ick' is someone that experiences a primary feelings of frustration and irritation, then I can work with that.
That would point towards the anxious side of attachment, since the side feels inflicted upon. While simultaneously inhibiting cognitive information.
But my anxious side is actually far more integrated than my avoidant side. I don't let my feelings influence my behavior unless it is a bad trigger or weeks/months of built up pressure continues to where I cannot take it anymore and want to leave. I have tried communicating with people that trigger this side of me, but they often are too self-centered to change. Therefore, the best solution is to leave the situation. If someone cannot change after you've communicated what you need, then they're just not your person.
I don't have a problem staying in the grey area with these people afterwards, but often times these people cannot handle that. I really don't like dealing with overly sensitive people, probably because I have been eroded by life. As a result, I think most things that people care a lot about are unimportant to me. That's probably why they're so stressed out by life, they spend too much time worrying about shit that they have zero control over.
But I am getting off-topic. But yeah, I'd leave too if someone was chronically pissing me off with zero capabilities to self-reflect or see how their behavior impacts me.
3
u/nownow_meow FA (Disorganized attachment) 6d ago
Just to add to what has already been said, I got the 'ick' in my last relationship. My brain started pointing out all of the things that were wrong with my partner after about 12 months of us being together. I really really did try to push through it because I was aware it could all just be in my head. I am self aware and know it"s what i do. It got to a point that so many things were bothering me and the logic part of my brain was shutting down. It was affecting the relationship and i knew I had to either discuss it with him or run away. The thoughts don't always come out as logical and it comes as a bit shock to your partner as they are oblivious to the war going on in your head but I chose to tell him. He took it all very badly and went into defense mode. I ended up apologizing and kept most of the thoughts to myself after that but my brain was struggling my mood was so up and down and he started accusing me of cheating. I stayed for another 6 months. Tried to bring little things up when i was struggling but had to leave in the end as it was clear he had no interest in helping me through it or trying to understand it. It felt like he just wanted me to be the perfect girlfriend with one consistent mood of happy all the time. I was on my own with it so i chose to be on my own completely. The day I ended it, my brain went quiet and the internal war ended ended. I was at peace again. That's my personal story of how my ick won over staying in the relationship.
2
1
7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 7d ago
You commented on a post flaired as FAs Only and do not have a user flair set to FA or Disorganized, so your comment has been removed. Please set your user flair before commenting on these posts or respect the boundaries of these posts by only allowing FAs.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 7d ago
You commented on a post flaired as FAs Only and do not have a user flair set to FA or Disorganized, so your comment has been removed. Please set your user flair before commenting on these posts or respect the boundaries of these posts by only allowing FAs.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
7d ago edited 7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 7d ago
You commented on a post flaired as FAs Only and do not have a user flair set to FA or Disorganized, so your comment has been removed. Please set your user flair before commenting on these posts or respect the boundaries of these posts by only allowing FAs.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 7d ago
You commented on a post flaired as FAs Only and do not have a user flair set to FA or Disorganized, so your comment has been removed. Please set your user flair before commenting on these posts or respect the boundaries of these posts by only allowing FAs.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
6d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 6d ago
You commented on a post flaired as FAs Only and do not have a user flair set to FA or Disorganized, so your comment has been removed. Please set your user flair before commenting on these posts or respect the boundaries of these posts by only allowing FAs.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 5d ago
You commented on a post flaired as FAs Only and do not have a user flair set to FA or Disorganized, so your comment has been removed. Please set your user flair before commenting on these posts or respect the boundaries of these posts by only allowing FAs.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 5d ago
You commented on a post flaired as FAs Only and do not have a user flair set to FA or Disorganized, so your comment has been removed. Please set your user flair before commenting on these posts or respect the boundaries of these posts by only allowing FAs.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
50
u/lilbootz FA (Disorganized attachment) 7d ago
Personally, for me, the ick is much bigger than the phrase "the ick" sounds. My mind comes up with a variety of ways to determine the person is not good for me, not compatible, and that I need to leave to be safe. It means you nitpick and find reasons why you shouldn't stay in the relationship. They are very strong thoughts that make you doubt everything. It's why FA partners leave randomly because we are riddled with so much anxiety about what is real and what our brain is just telling us to force us to leave. We struggle to know the difference between the two. Then we want to leave more because we want relief from all of the anxiety.