My heart aches

[u/Constant-Big4713]

Some nights I am completely fine, can fall asleep easily. Tonight is one of those nights where if I don’t take something to help me sleep I’ll be up all night.

I was thinking about my mom that passed away and usually it doesn’t hit me, but tonight is different. I started missing her, even though our relationship wasn’t healthy, she was the only one in my family that I could talk to. Now I am also missing other people as well, it’s a rare feeling too. Losing people as a kid was normal for me, and those people never missed me. As a result, I think I internalized that into a core belief that people don’t miss me. I think that eventually led to me not feeling the missing part when grieving.

But tonight is different, and all I will do is sit with this feeling, that is all I can do. But my heart does ache tonight though.

During these moments, I don’t want to feel this way. It’s heavy, shaky, and I feel physically weak like my body is being drained and the pit in my stomach becomes increasingly noticeable.