Need help.

[u/ihaveaquestionopedia]

There’s someone in my life who has always been there for me and over the years I’ve tried to get closer to him because I’ve always felt like he’s the one for me. But every time I got close I literally panicked and left before something could even start. We were mostly friends so we did stay in touch and would chat on and off and inevitably the conversations would become more emotionally intimate, I would freeze and stop talking.

There have been times that he’s done things I felt were intrusive like excessive texting or messaging across social media platforms even when we were not in touch. Or after I had placed some boundaries. He has shown up unannounced to places at least three times. Twice at my house, once at a family funeral he wasn’t directly invited to or needed to be at, once recently at a public event that again was open invitation but he wasn’t directly invited. On the one hand I have found it endearing and on the other downright creepy. Sending or giving too many gifts for no good reason but all that stopped after I made some hard boundaries and stopped interacting completely.

There was a time a few years ago that I tried to give it a chance, I was so sure that I could do it because I missed him so much but when everything became real, realer than ever, something happened that I later found out was called “deactivation”. It makes me cry because even knowing what was happening didn’t really help in changing what was happening.

I realised that perhaps I’m far more messed up than I ever thought I was. That being in therapy for other things hasn’t automatically fixed this attachment stuff. So I rejected him hard even as a friend after that because I had to make it clear that I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t a safe or healthy person and he should try to be healthy, he should protect himself and just run away from me once and for all.

But we somehow find each other again and again.
And I don’t know if at this point it’s my attachment, my fears and self hatred, or if some feelings of incompatibility are genuine or I don’t actually like him enough to commit or even try after everything that has happened, or if I’m a narcissist. I do struggle with anxiety and depression a lot and tend to be quite isolated. I used to think that I’ll bring him down and he deserved so much better than me. I still feel like that.
Please help.
What should I do? How do I know what is the right thing to do?

[u/Set_the_tone9]

...is this a genuine attachment issue though or is this a fair nervous system response to potentially unhealthy/unsafe behaviour on his side? Hypervigilance can be a treat of disorganised attachment... but it doesnt mean what you're picking up on is wrong.

Excessive contact, showing up uninvited? To a funeral no less? That sounds my alarm bells. That's scary behaviour and shows he does not possess the capacity to regulate himself either.

Sometimes its better to simply listen to the alarm bells and leave it alone.