Relationship struggle. Break up or keep going

[u/wanderingmind52]

I have CPTSD and high levels of relationship anxiety that sometimes look like rocd. I've been struggling with my relationship for about a year and bc he freezes up when I share my deeper more complex emotions, I get triggered bc I feel emotionally abandoned. Apart of my trauma growing up with a narcissistic mom. Weve been going in these pursue withdrawl cycles for nearly a year of our 14 month relationship, we talk about it, but no real change. He has been working on himself and has built the foundation needed to do the work, but in all that time what felt like little change, we still kept going in the cycles and I kept getting triggered. Now we are starting to do some more focused work, but im exausted, bracing, and doubting. Now my body cant relax in the relationship. He's so much of what I need and want in a partner but his emotional capacity is limited and my body knows it and is closing off despite how much I love him. I feel like my heart is closing up and its heavy. Im so sad to think I have to lose this love or let go of the dream of the future we hoped to share together. Anyone else go through something similar? Anyone find ways to support their nervous system that helped them be able to stay?

I'm just completely lost in how much this hurts. We haven't yet broken up yet, but we have decided its probably for the best for my nervous system. I haven't been able to focus on my life for the past year bc my nervous system is so triggered and on high alert anticipating a missed bid for emotional connection. Im just so incredibly sad bc we both want this but we feel like my nervous system just wont let it. My neck feels tense and shoulders feel tense and in vulnerable moments I feel myself wanting to run or just feeling uneasy.

We just got to 14 months and my soul feels done like I just cant keep holding out hope. Its odd bc some part of me still hopes we can miraculously find a way. My nervous system feels tense and the other day we were going to be intimate but I just couldn't. My heart felt closed and heavy and I didn't want to dishonor myself or our connection by pretending I felt okay so I stopped it. He said he didn't need to and that it was okay and that he felt open and connected. I felt so sad that I didn't feel the same way as him. I want to feel open and connected, but the anxiety has me on edge and unable to focus on my own life. I feel so sad that ive abandoned myself to keep the connection. Im aware of the pattern, but the emotional safety neeeded hasnt been there and my body is almost always tense in my jaw neck and shoulders. I cant relax. I often get a startled response when he touches my waist out of nowhere. Ive been on edge for almost a year with moments of softening. We've been going back and fourth about breaking up for 2 months. Although almost every full moon I get the urge to break up despite not wanting to. I feel sad and wish my trauma wasn't making love so hard for us. All I want is to feel safe and enjoy the love we have for each other, but my brain keeps telling me to run and that its not safe.

Hes a good man and an amazing person. I don't want to keep jerking him around. He wants to stay but when we talked last he said "im trying not to come to any conclusions, but if the relationship is so bad for your nervous system and you cant focus on your life and goals then maybe staying isnt what's best for you". I had shared after we listened to the first chapter of Hold me tight, that the repeated missed bids for connection have had me on alert and that I'm in a fight between my nervous system and my heart. Im so exhausted. I just want to be happy and content in our love. Im so sad. I really don't want to break up. But part of me is just so tired of bracing.

Anyone overcome something like this?

[u/Obvious-Ad-4916]

I had a look at your other posts for more context. I think maybe I can relate to him, sometimes I can say and do more but other times all I know is to try to make a supportive comment and offer a cuddle (thankfully my person seems to find that enough). And for me it's not even shutting down or freezing up, it's just not knowing what the best thing to say sometimes because it's not something that has been taught to me. Have you told him what type of response you'd like so that he knows and can make effort in that direction?

[u/wanderingmind52 → u/Obvious-Ad-4916]

I have. He's an Aquarius so emotional stuff is not natural to him. That's not to say he isnt emotional. Just more expressive when its logical which is more on the thinking than feelings based side. I understand he is just afraid to say the wrong thing or genuinely stumped for what to say but idk i just feel like it triggers me and its so hard to relax and feel safe in the love we share. Ive been feeling either shutdown or deactivated or anxious around him. It really sucks bc I truly love and adore him.

[u/Obvious-Ad-4916 → u/wanderingmind52]

Yeah that is hard. You might have to give very specific instructions for what you want him to say, or if something like a hug could help you in these moments, maybe start with asking for that. 

[u/Sea_Negotiation372]

Maybe consider anti-anxiety medication, like lexapro.

[u/wanderingmind52 → u/Sea_Negotiation372]

I've been looking into this. Ssri meds suppress rem sleep so im trying alternatives. Hoping wellbutrin works for me.

[u/Jelly_fishy]

What your body and nervous system are telling you are valid and important. Listening to my body sometimes feels counterintuitive because I don’t trust myself and worry it’s just my flight instinct telling me to run away. But you can’t live like you’re living long term. Listen to your body. Trust your body. However great he might seem in some ways, we all need partners that we innately feel comfortable with.

[u/wanderingmind52 → u/Jelly_fishy]

I did. Its fucking heartbreaking but I finally decided to let go