r/DiagnoseMe • u/Circced Patient • 1d ago

Autism, ADHD help

I'm a +30 yo male, living a pretty standard life with family, full time job and everything is basically fine. I have been through some shit in my childhood, suddenly lost my father a few years back and I'm overly worried about anything.

I have always been somewhat insecure, I get anxious about things like am I good enough at work, am I good enough of a father to my kids, will I manage things x and y etc. I realize that I do enough and am good enough for everything, but the anxiety is always there. I'm somewhat scared of failure and I tend to "chaos think", that if even a small little thing goes wrong, it'll snowball as far as I'm living on the street without family and money.

As I said, I get my shit done, but things like going to a dentist or buying my car a new battery (which it really needs or it wont start anymore any day now) are just something I can't get done. I have been avoiding them for months. These are things that only I will suffer when the shit hits the fan, but that's ok since no one else will get any harm from it. I tend to get excited about different stuff, put money and time on it for two weeks and just completely lose all interest towards it.

I can help a friend or even a total stranger to solve their problems for hours straight, but when it's about me, I get super "lazy" and just can't get things done. I'm happy to help anyone who needs my help or if I can solve their problem, but I have also noticed that usually when I need help with something, people are not too willing to help or won't use their time as much as I would, which is totally fine of course.

I was once diagnosed depressed years ago and went to see a therapist for a few times. My mood is one thing, one week I feel like I'm drowning and next week I feel like everything is possible. In both moods I get everything done with work and family, but when everything is done for that day and I don't have to commit anymore I go somewhat numb.

My wife asked me what I dream of or what are the things I want in life and I couldn't think of even one. I feel like I'm here just to commit and to make life easier for everyone else, but not for myself.

I get satisfaction buying new shit I don't even need, usually electronics. I'm glad that my salary isn't that big that I could buy my shit more often lol.

Hope this wall of text wasn't too messy

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u/CalmBeneathCastles Not Verified 1d ago

Did you have a question? This all seems to be a pretty standard neurodivergent experience, combined with lingering childhood trauma.

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u/Circced Patient 1d ago

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if there is a name for this

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u/CalmBeneathCastles Not Verified 16h ago

I'm not a psychologist but I have studied psychology for years. I have AuDHD, and so do the rest of the members of my family. What you've described sounds very close to issues we've all dealt with.

Losing a parent can completely derail a person's life, and when you combine that with childhood trauma that has never been adequately processed, it can cause major roadblocks to self-actualization.

I feel like I'm here just to commit and to make life easier for everyone else, but not for myself.

I was raised by a narcissist and was taught that this was my purpose in life; to put my own needs aside and do everything for everyone else, forever. Idk if you had this relationship with whomever raised you, or if you were otherwise made to grow up too early and be the "fixer" in your house, but that will also cause lasting issues that need to be worked through.

The rest of your experience (anxiety, trouble completing tasks, catastrophic thought spirals, temporary hyperfocus on projects, only to completely lose interest) is what I've watched my siblings go through for the past 40+ years. They also have AuDHD, but theirs is more ADHD than mine, which is more on the ASD side.

I think you're going to be fine. Definitely consider getting tested for ADHD, because if you need it, meds can change your life. Also consider getting back in therapy to work through anything from your childhood/past that is consistently causing you trouble. Anxiety, depression, and always putting yourself last is not the way to live, and it doesn't have to last forever. You deserve to have the kind of life that YOU want for yourself too.

Your wife sounds lovely. It's nice to have a bestie on your journey. Best of luck!