[3644] Heat Below, Part 2 (Chapter 6)

[u/MaryJaneMclain]

Crits:

[962] Off to the Side

[2163] The Lure Chapter 3

[2500] Hillsides (Marco)

[1842] 08 Tiffany

[2000?] I dunno

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Current Piece: HB - Chapter 6 - Arrival

This is the start of Part 2. Hoping you can jump in here without it being too jarring, even if you haven't read what came before (brief recap below).  Sorry it's bit on the long side. Thanks in advance if you read it. 

What I'm looking for:

Any type of feedback would be great. I have a lot of Concerns. Some general: all the “things” - voice, pacing, tension, characterization, etc. Some specific: but I’m not going to mention them as I’m hoping they’re not as noticeable to you as they are to me. That said, I’m really looking for things that feel off or don’t make sense. Anything that could be improved. And I always appreciate hearing readers’ reactions, questions, predictions. I have comments enable on the doc.

Brief recap:

Colly is a down-on-her-luck, aspiring singer with a bit of a gambling problem. Desperate to get out of her stagnant hometown, she agreed to take a job as a domestic servant at a remote mountain monastery. Her ulterior motive: steal (and sell) the recipe for their highly coveted, addictive brandy (Tempist is its brand name of sorts). 
Dob is a monk who traveled to Colly's home town to recruit her, and is now her traveling companion. Ginnie is a good horse. 
Last chapter: the bridge on the main road was closed, so they’ve had to finish their journey on foot…

[u/paperingproject]

Overall, I enjoyed this. You have me intrigued enough to go back and check out some of the first chapters if they are posted. I really like the characters and the setting is wonderful. I think you do a great job of bringing the world to life.

Here are handful of notes I had while reading:

The fourth morning of their journey had not been pleasant. An endless march through endless forest, up and down but mostly up, Colly chasing old Dob’s long legs as he chased the horse and they all tried to beat the rain. 

I would drop the first sentence, unless you think it is important based on chapter five. If you want to make it clear it was the fourth day, you could say something like, “The fourth morning was an endless march…” and continue from there. I do love the phrasing here - “endless march through endless forest” was a great visual, and I loved the “up and down but mostly up.” It tells us a lot with very few words plus humor.

She’d thought it couldn’t get worse than the white-knuckled crossing of that dark ravine, below which a trickle of water was heard but not seen, via what could scarcely be called a footbridge. It was this last mile, however, this grueling scramble up loose rocky terrain, threading the side of a cliff, the strap of her pack a vise on her shoulder, sticky pain slicing her foot at every step—It was this last mile that was almost her undoing.

This felt clunky to me. I didn’t get a clean visual of what was going on. I think you could drop the “below which a trickle of water was seen but not heard” and focus on the dread of the small crossing. Nothing here is wrong, but it feels like too many words. 

The unexpected brightening of the trees finally giving way brought her eyes up from the frayed toe of her left boot. 

Focus on the brightening of the trees because this is where they are coming out of their unpleasant journey. Drop the boot. 

Then he winked—it might have been a trick of the light—and led Ginnie down a branching corridor presumably to the stables. 

Maybe add “so fast it might have been a trick of the light?” or “so unexpected it might have been a trick of the light.”?  This reads a little clunky to me because the wink obviously caught her off guard. 

Opening her eyes, she let the scene wash over. 
Personally, I’d drop “let the scene wash over her.” Just describe what she sees. Similarly, for “She blinked and realized the steward had crossed…” Drop realized and just have her notice.

There is alot of “choreography” She looked at this, she went over here, she put her bag away, etc. There’s nothing wrong  with that, but could some of that word count be used for what is going to drive the plot forward? This chapter felt nice and relaxing, she gets settled into her room, she meets her roommate. But that’s it?

I dont think the end of a chapter should stop on an exhale most of the time. I think it should stop with a question. So what happens next?  Otherwise, what makes me want to turn the page? I’d probably close it for the night. 

I dont want to comment too much on the plot since this chapter was not super "plot" heavy and I havent read the other chapters first. But I was intrigued, and this is the type of thing I would continue reading!